Conan

Guests

Jane Lynch

Joe Buck

Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger

Monologue Jokes

Welcome to the show. We have a great one tonight. [Andy: Excellent show, Conan.] What? [Andy sighs. -- Andy: Excellent show. He's so insecure.] Now you sound sarcastic. No. We have an excellent show this evening. We're going to have an excellent time.
President Obama on YouTube today. Did you all see that? That was big. [Audience remains silent.] Okay. What the hell happened? [Andy: They've been in line all day, waiting to get in here.] They don't know what's going on out there. We put our audiences in a decompression tank for six days before the show. It's like being on a game show. They don't know anything. The President of the United States was on YouTube. President Barack Obama. [Audience cheers.] Now wait a minute. That's just condescending now. "Oh, yeah! We know!" No, you don't. I just told you. It's going to be a long night. [Andy: They're just trying to help.] President Obama answered questions on YouTube, and this is true, he was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just Chad in Portland. Over and over again.
Conan Impersonates Bill Gates.
This is weird, speaking of the Internet. Congress has voted to give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet in an international emergency. Yeah, the kill switch goes by the codename: Microsoft Windows. I never like doing those jokes. I always imagine Bill Gates watching somewhere. "Destroy that one!" He pushes a gold button and robots come after me.
I've got happy news. This weekend is Oprah's birthday. It's Oprah's birthday this weekend. [Audience cheers.] Isn't that nice? I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I hear that she's getting a full sister. [Audience groans then applauds.] Oh, that they've heard about.
A storm hit the East Coast yesterday leaving 300,000 people in the Washington, D.C. area without power. The 300,000 people without power in Washington are called Democrats.
American Idol getting a lot of buzz these days. Last night, American Idol featured its youngest contestant ever. The contestant was so young that judge Steven Tyler hesitated before hitting on her. [Conan mimes Steven Tyler with big lips and long hair.]
North Korea has opened an amusement park comparable to Disneyland. I'm not sure how it's going to last because Kim Jong-Il isn't tall enough to get on any of the rides. [Conan mimes the Korean dictator being angry because he's too short to ride anything.]
This is crazy. In Poland, there's a new board game designed to teach children how hard life was under Communist rule. It's called Hungry, Hungry Everyone.
You know there are all these weird studies that come out all the time. A new study came out that says that 4 seconds of silence is all it take to turn a conversation awkward. Yeah, especially if the 4 seconds is proceeded by the phrase, "I got the test back." Let's get our own 4 seconds going here.
Taco Bell has been in a lot of hot water recently. This is a big story. The head of Taco Bell said that reports that their taco meat is only 33% beef is not true. He says that the real figure is 88%. Then he said, "But trust me, the last 12%, we get real creative." [Conan mimes biting into a taco and finding a wrist watch.]
Half Cows.
It's true. It's been reported that the meat used in Taco Bell is only 33% beef, the companies denying it, but then we found this footage from the Taco Bell stock yards. [A clip plays where half-cows are wandering around a pasture.] That's just really stupid.
This is crazy story. I'm not making this up. Yesterday, Mexican soldiers seized a large pot catapult. Did you hear about this? They seized a large pot catapult that smugglers were using to launch marijuana, I'm not making this up, over the border from Mexico into Arizona. A pot catapult! This is true! Yeah, well apparently, the Mexican drug smugglers won't be stopped. They're already coming up with new ways to get their product over the border. For instance, they're just throwing it. They're trying a trampoline. Something called Joint Balloons. A pot bazooka. And finally, they hired a punter. You've seen footage of the pot catapult, haven't you? [Andy: I just heard it on the news. They actually spotted the thing on a satellite, but when they got there the wily weed dealers were gone.] It's huge. They're using medieval technology. "A catapult. That will do it." Why don't they bring in a Trojan Horse. [Andy: They probably just had it lying around.] We have pot, and we have a catapult. How do we get it into the United States?

Throwing Weed Over the Border.

Pot Trampoline.

Joint Balloons.

Pot Bazooka.

Pot Punter.

I'm going to bring up something. This is a little strange. Two years ago, Madame Tussauds made a wax likeness of me. They finished it, and the statue was supposed to be displayed at Universal Studios in Los Angeles for the next 600 years. Obviously, things didn't work out. And then I kind of forgot about the wax statue. Then, about two weeks ago, I asked, "Whatever happened to that thing?" And it turns out that the statue was returned to Madame Tussauds Wax museum on Hollywood Boulevard, which isn't far from here. Now I've been through a lot in the past 18 months. I thought it would be really interesting, really fascinating to visit the wax statue and reconnect with the Conan of two years ago. So, a wax museum employee named Adam Midef showed me around, and we took a camera crew. Here's what happened. [Conan visits the wax museum and finds his wax statue in an awkward position, pointing at nothing, sitting on a bench, looking at Nicolas Cage's ass, and telling Simon Cowell about it. Conan notices that there is no name plate for his statue while there are plates for the other statues. Another employee finds the nameplate in storage. Conan hangs the sign over Nicolas Cage's plate. Adam Midef demonstrates his ability to list any primetime shows on any date. Conan is unimpressed. Conan surprises a tourist by pretending he is his statue. Conan greets South Korean tourists. They have no idea who he is. Conan claims he is an American star that used to sleep with Angelina Jolie until Brad Pitt stole her away from him. The Korean tourists politely listen. Conan poses next to his statue while the Korean tourists take pictures. Conan updates his statue by placing a mustache and beard on its face. He also places a bottle of Jack Daniels in its arm. Additionally, he uses an eyedropper to place a single tear dripping from his left eye.]