Sorry this is a day late, folks! I actually did write this yesterday but I forgot to post it. I'm having that kind of week.
Despite The Guardian’s insistent attempts to tell me otherwise, bugger all really came out last week. There were 13 new releases, yes, but 10 of them were limited release and only one of those limited releases made enough money to even bother talking about. So, as such, it really isn’t much of a surprise that Battleship retained the number 1 slot with a 43% drop from last week. I mean, it’s still disappointing and saddening, but not surprising.
The big winner of the new releases was, unsurprisingly, Salmon Fishing In The Yemen, coming in second with over £1.1 million (yeah, it’s that kind of weekend). The old people, after all, need something “nice” seeing as Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is being dumped out of theatres. The next best opening came from the seventh place Lockout which opened with a decent just under £600,000 (again, it’s that kind of weekend). But don’t pity Lockout. Your pitying should instead be saved for Gone, the Amanda Seyfried sh*tfest that limped into cinemas with under £300,000 for tenth place.
So, what was the big winner of the weekend, then, if most everything under performed? Well, it was the Bob Marley documentary Marley. It opened on 64 screens and made £194,203 for twelfth place (just £1,500 from eleventh) with a £3,000 per screen average. However, put those previews in and it rises to £203,062. Still only good enough for eleventh, yes, but still mighty impressive nonetheless.
Oh, and as part of your weekly Headhunters update (because you should see Headhunters even though I can’t. Seriously, the book’s great), it made £142,035 for 14th. And we have to say goodbye to Wrath Of The Titans, a big budget blockbuster that couldn’t even last 4 weeks on the chart. That says it all, really.
Full List On The Internet!
UK Box Office Results: 20th April 2012 – 22nd April 2012
 | 1. Battleship £1,282,091 / £6,088,174 So, predictions on The Avengers (or Marvel Avengers Assemble if you really think the public are that stupid) opening! What are we guessing? Bear in mind that it opens yesterday (as in this Thursday which is yesterday). Over the 4 day weekend, I’m guessing a good £10 million. If it beats Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1, I’ll be both amazed and overjoyed at the same time. Amoyed? Oh; and here’s a special message to you Americans reading the report: I’M SEEING THE AVENGERS IN 9 HOURS! F*CK ALL Y’ALL!! |
 | 2. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen £1,169,235 / NEW I hate films like this. Not due to their inherent quality or anything, more due to me having precisely bugger all to say about them at any given point in time. The fact that they’re "nice" is all well and good, but how am I supposed to slam it? I’d go for a bestiality or abortion joke but I’m not Seth MacFarlane so I can’t pull it off. |
 | 3. The Hunger Games £1,070,787 / £21,259,368 Ladies and gentlemen… allow me to present... Man Not Caring! (puts up a middle finger) Thank you! You’re all too kind! |
 | 4. The Cabin in the Woods £1,033,533 / £3,543,472 Only a 35% drop off between weekends which, for a horror movie, is OK. Not great, but OK. There’s a good chance that this’ll make its budget back, so now the question is just how high up the Highest Grossing Horror Comedies list it’ll get. It won’t make Scary Movie numbers (yes, the original Scary Movie made a sh*t tonne of cash, that’s why the 90’s sucked), but can it at least make Snakes On A Plane numbers? Please say yes! Please say yes! |
 | 5. Titanic £925,740 / £9,919,113 Just let that sink in for a moment. A film that came out 15 years ago that everyone has seen at least 100 times since then and already own on DVD or watch on TV at Christmas on a yearly basis... has made £10 million at the cinema on its re-release. Imagine what better, more practical and more world-improving things that money could have funded rather than another one of James Cameron’s money baths? Like my jetpack. No, not your jetpack. My jetpack. There is a difference. |
 | 6. The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists £772,887 / £14,085,303 48% drop and this is probably not for long in this world. Beauty & The Beast in 3D is out in 2 weeks and that should kill this dead if Titanic 3D’s numbers are any depressing indication. I’m sad that I never got to see this movie. But then I remember that I watched The Cabin In The Woods, am seeing The Avengers this weekend and that this outlasted Wrath Of The Titans on the chart, and then I don’t feel so bad anymore. |
 | 7. Lockout £596,500 / NEW My brother saw this last weekend (instead of The Cabin In The Woods, like a total d*ckt*ts) and he says it was good fun. Anyone want to back up his claim? Before you answer, he is a continued fan and avid watcher of Waterloo Road. Now, I’m not saying that that devalues his opinion and, by extension, your opinion because you clearly have no ability to discern quality... But I am implying it. |
 | 8. Mirror, Mirror £535,093 / £6,070,901 Somehow, according to Fandango, Snow White & The Huntsman is the most anticipated movie of the Summer among women. And this is why I will never understand them. |
 | 9. 21 Jump Street £376,781 / £9,465,305 Well, it had a damn good run! 6 weeks in the chart is not bad at all and thoroughly deserved for a film that not only didn’t make me want to stab Channing Tatum in the eye with a rusty spoon, but also made me like him. A lot. So all of this film’s success is completely deserved! |
 | 10. Gone £275,087 / NEW Hey, Hollywood! My idea for a Steven Seagal style action movie starring Amanda Seyfried is still available. Just saying. If you want it... |
Dropped Out: Wrath Of The Titans, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, StreetDance 2
Callum Petch is coming for Y-O-U spells you!
