Conan

Guests

Seth Green

Jayma Mays

Travis Barker

Monologue Jokes

• 

  Bearded Audience Member.
  Andy, I'm intimidated by that guy's beard over there. He clearly grew it out to mock my beard. It's insulting [Andy: Might be a little too good. Might be a fake. -- The bearded Audience member tugs on his beard to prove it is real.] We have hill folk in the Audience now. [Andy: Or they're just severely depressed. They are frequently beard wearers.]
• So much to talk about. Historic times. Did you know they're winding down the space shuttle program? It's coming to an end? [An Audience member shouts, "NO!"] How does that help? No! [Andy: And then he got up and ran out. We gotta do something about this!] I wasn't really looking for an answer, sir. It was kind of a rhetorical question to ease us into the first joke. Well, did you know? "No! I wasn't aware! What the hell is going on!" Guy with the beard is like, "What's a space shuttle? What the hell is going on?" Well, anyway, they're winding it down. Relax. This is going to be good. It is the last Discovery Space Shuttle mission. It is underway. The crew aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery received a phone call from the President Obama. The President told them that they were not going to believe what was happening with Charlie Sheen down here. Then he described it to them. Can you imagine being in space and having news come up about Charlie Sheen? [Andy: We can see a lot of hustle and bustle on the surface, but we didn't expect this.] Something's going on.
• Well, this story is getting crazier and crazier by the day. As you just heard several hours ago, Warner Brothers has made the announcement that they are officially firing Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men. I say fine, but they better have a pretty good reason. They must have an incredible detective out there that found a little something we don't know about.
• Charlie Sheen today found out that he has been fired from Two and a Half Men. The show will from now on be known as The Other Guy and the Kid. Watch it.
• Meanwhile, he is saying all kinds of things. This is one of the most recent things. He says that as a Humanitarian thing he is taking a trip to Haiti. He's going to go to Haiti. His exact quote was, "I want to show them what a real disaster looks like."
• Believe it or not, there are other things going on in the world. This morning, President Obama attended a Parent-Teacher Conference for his daughter Sasha. Isn't that nice? [Audience awws.] The teacher said there is room for improvement and would like to see a little more cooperation. Then they talked about Sasha. [Conan shrugs and the Audience applauds appreciatively.] Thank you. Nothing from the guy with the beard. "I didn't like it. I didn't like it. Beard didn't like it."   [The bearded Audience member has a stern look on his face.] Almost got you. Hey, earlier today -- [The shot cuts back to the bearded man.] We're only four minutes into the show and it's already broken. Another show that will never air.
• Earlier today, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi underwent four hours of dental surgery. It was Prime Minister Berlusconi's second longest oral procedure today. [Audience groans. Conan dances a jig.] Check out this next one, see.
• China's biggest Barbie store. I didn't know they had one. China's biggest Barbie store is going out of business. So sad to think about all those poor little girls in China who are now out of a job. [The bearded man smiles.] What a mean guy. "I gotta get in on that one."
• This is a weird story. A Northwestern University professor apologized for letting a couple demonstrate a sex toy during one of his classes. He had to apologize. Yeah. Particularly because the class he teaches is Introduction to Medieval German Literature.
• Crazy. A flight attendant was fired from an airline for placing a baby in a plane's overhead compartment. In the flight attendant's defense, the baby did not fit under the seat.
• Next week on WWE's Monday Night Raw. [Audience chees.] A-ha. I see now. It's been waiting the whole monologue. "Can't wait for him to mention wrasslin'." Well, you're going to like this, pal. Next week on WWE's Monday Night Raw, Snookie is going to step into the Wrestling Ring. [Audience cheers.] Yeah, it will be the first time that Snookie rolled around with a guy on steroids since yesterday.
• I like this. Members of an Internet group called Lesbians who Look Like Justin Bieber. I'm not making this sup.  of an Internet group called Lesbians who Look Like Justin Bieber are upset that Justin Bieber cut his hair. Yeah. I just want to take a moment to tell Lesbians who Look like Conan O'Brien that my hair is not going anywhere. [Conan preens himself.] There are a lot of lesbians out there that look like Conan O'Brien. I meet them all the time.
• I saw this last week. The Pork Council retired their famous slogan "Pork, the other white meat." That was their slogan for twenty years. They retired that slogan. Here's their new slogan. Take a look. [A clip plays asking whether you want to die healthy or happy, implying that eating pork makes you happier than eating a healthy salad. "Either way, you're going to die." -- The bearded man gives a thumbs up.] I knew I had him on that one.

The Bureau Adjustment.

• This past weekend. I don't know if anybody saw any movies, but Matt Damon's thriller The Adjustment Bureau came in a strong numbers two at the box office. It came in second place. What's cool is it just crushed its main competition. Take a look. [A trailer plays for a movie about people moving furniture slightly. It is called The Bureau Adjustment.] Come on. That was really stupid. They went for that one. I didn't like it.

• 

  Hollywood Crazy Scale.
  I want to talk about something that is really important. We talked about this for a little at the top of the show. People in Hollywood -- I'm telling you how it works because I'm an insider in this town. Here in Hollywood there are celebrities that are normal and there are celebrities that are crazy. Andy, if you don't mind. I would like your help in explaining this. For years, Tom Hanks has been the most normal, down to Earth celebrity in town. He's the guy you think of when you think "Normal Guy." Good guy, you think of Tom Hanks. [Andy puts down a stick with Tom Hanks' head on it.] And at the far other end of the Spectrum, there's always been Gary Busey. [Andy puts down a Gary Busey stick.] Just think. I'm trying to explain something. For years, these two Gentlemen have been the polar extremes, but things have changed this past week. Charlie Sheen has forced celebrity scientists to rethink Hollywood's crazy spectrums. Andy, can you show them where Charlie fits in on this Spectrum now? This is based on a lot of pain staking research and computer analysis. We have made sure that this is completely accurate. [Andy places the Charlie Sheen stick across the stage from the Tom Hanks stick, next to the band.] Well, that's exactly where Charlie Sheen fits in, so congratulations Gary Busey. You are now considered relatively normal. Congratulations, Gary Busey. Now this has realigned everything. The following celebrities, due to the recent change, are now considered fairly normal. Randy Quaid: Normal. Winona Ryder: Normal. Andy Dick: Just a Regular Joe. Mel Gibson: Everyone's favorite Uncle. Kanye West: Just a Chatty Neighbor. David Hasselhoff: Still a Freak. Flava Flav: Salt of the Earth. And Nick Nolte is now considered only mildly eccentric. [Audience cheers.]