Conan

Guests

Seth MacFarlane

Brooklyn Decker

Dana Gould

Monologue Jokes

• [Audience cheers.] No! No! I don't care what the people of Egypt say. I will not step down! Now, go back to your homes, all of you. And you, Richter. [Andy begins to leave. -- Andy: Oh, it's a joke.]
• You all heard this right? President Hosni Mubarak just a few hours ago made an announcement that he's going to stay in power for six more months. [Audience boos.] Yeah. That guy does not understand how Groundhog Day works. "If you see the shadow, cling to power for six more months." [Andy: Not really.] Not really, Mubarak.
• This afternoon, this is weird, an Egyptian General told thousands of Cairo protestors, "All your demands will be met today." That's what he told them. Yeah. When the crowd shouted, "Democracy!" The General shouted, "Almost all your demands today." Then they sent him to Starbucks to get an order. He came back with 35,000 lattés. "Will this make you happy please?"
• Representative, you all heard this, right? Christopher Lee had to resign yesterday after he was caught sending a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met on Craigslist. [Audience woos.] On the other hand, he did manage to surprise his wife for Valentine's Day.  It's gets harder and harder every year. "Let's see. I've done flowers, and I've done chocolates. What else?" [Andy: Honey, I'm home.]
• Representative Christopher Lee refused to talk about the Craigslist scandal stating, "I have to work this out with my wife." That's it. Then he posted an ad on Craigslist under "Man Seeking Really Great Excuse." That'll work.
• Lindsay Lohan is in the news. Some say that Lindsay Lohan dressed inappropriately for her court appearance yesterday by wearing a short, tight-fitting dress. Yeah. No, Lohan apologized to tth judge and said, "Tomorrow, I'll steal something more appropriate."
• This is weird. According to a new report that came out, the United Arab Emirates has passed the United States to become the world's fattest industrialized nation. [Audience cheers.] No. No! All I have to say is "United Arab Emirates, it is on!" This is one things I know that we can win. [Andy: Competitive gravy guzzling.] We can do it.
• This is weird. The girlfriend of New York Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez is only 17. She said that when he texted her at 11PM on a Tuesday she replied, "I have school tomorrow." Then he texted back, "What a coincidence. I have jail tomorrow."
• Speaking of football, the NFL and the Players  Association have cancelled their contract negotiations which could mean no NFL for next season. [Audience boos.] Both sides agree this is the only way to prevent another Black Eyed Peas Half Time Show.
• Speaking of music, Grammys are coming up. Excited about that? "Sure. Yeah." [Audience cheers along.] This week at the Grammys,  Dr. Dre is going to perform for the first time in 10 years. Yeah. Dr. Dre says he wants to perform more often, but his medical practice keeps him real busy. He's an ophthalmologist apparently. I never realized that. [Andy: Man, your eyes are messed up.] Yeah. He's good. [Andy: "Are you really a doctor?" Yeah.] I would listen to Dr. Dre.
• A South Carolina legislator wants to ban prison inmates from using Facebook. A spokesman for the prison inmates said, "They can take away our Facebook, but they can't stop us from poking each other." Sometimes I act out the joke, but tonight I'm not. I started to move, but then I thought, "I'm not doing anything. I'll keep my hands to myself." Mm-hmm.
• 

   Chris Lee Shirtless Campaign Ad.
  This is a big story today. Christopher Lee, the Maryland Congressman who sent a shirtless picture to a woman on Craigslist. This is the photo that's been everywhere. [A picture of a shirtless man taking a picture of himself is shown. Audience woos.] I'm sure that will make him feel better. He's watching at home right now. "Oh... okay. That's good. The audience wooed. I should put a shirt on." People are shocked by this, but it's really not that shocking once you've seen his campaign ad from the last election. [An ad for Chris Lee plays where the congressman visits constituents without a shirt on. "Chris Lee for Congress. Right for New York. Ripped for America." Chris Lee's abs approve the message.] That is such a weird pose too. Well, this is what I look like when I'm being a statue. That's very odd. It's not a natural look. [Andy: That shirtless picture is making me really depressed.] We're both depressed which is the point of this show. [Andy: It's supposed to snap us out of our doldrums.] No, it's supposed to put us into the doldrums. That's what Conan's for.
• Everyone's worried about China. China's always in the news. People are always wondering how far China's economic dominance really go. Okay? Why does China have such a leg up on the United States. Well, we're going to find out in a new segment called "Why China is Kicking Our Ass." [A clip from American Idol plays where a contestant is dressed as a transforming car.] It's depressing that's reason 437.
• 

   Deon Cole Tells a Black His-Story.
  You know February is of course Black History Month. [Audience cheers.] It's a great opportunity to look back at the history of African-Americans, but there are current day stories that African-Americans have to tell that are just as inspiring. So, here again to share with us one of his true inspirational tales, is writer Deon Cole in a segment he calls "Black His-Stories." [Deon: I was in an Alabama Airport one Sunday morning after a comedy show I had done the night before. I found out my flight was delayed so I went to a bar at the airport just to get something to eat. I sat next to these two Redneck White guys who had clearly had way too much to drink. I needed to know what time it was so I wouldn't miss my flight. I didn't have my watch on, so I decided to ask these guys. I said, "Excuse me, do y'all know what time it is?" And they said, "What time it is? It's time for you to go back to Africa." They laughed, high-fived each other, and walked away. I sat there devastated at what they said. But then I realized they were so drunk, they left their credit card at the bar. So, I picked up the credit card, went to American Airlines, and said, "Hi, I would like to purchase a roundtrip ticket to Africa! First class!" Thank you, racism.] That's an inspiring tale. Thank you, Deon. Deon Cole everyone. [Deon dances backwards off stage. Conan tries to copy him but fails. Audience Woos.] When you Woo that, that's just depressing. "Look, he can't do it at all!" I guess if you shoot if from here up, you'd never know, huh? Look at that. If you're just looking at the monitor, you think I only look kind of stupid.