Dinner for Schmucks Quotes (2010)

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Edit 00:00:00
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Edit 00:03:51
Josh Always stay in the middle of the pack. It's the front runner who fall off the cliff.
Edit 00:03:58
Susana It smells like cabbage on this floor.
Tim Wagner That's the smell of dead dreams.
Susana I go to the clubs at night and people are like "Hey, who's wearing the coleslaw?" Do you know how hard it is to get laid when you smell like coleslaw? Not hard....but still.
Edit 00:04:44
Susana Assistant to an assistant. You can't go lower.
Edit 00:05:23
Williams The whole reason we bought the plant was to shut the factory, shed the workforce and sell the equipment. But now it's all contaminated with low level radiation. Nobody wants to touch it
Robin Ughh Americans are so uptight about radiation.
Williams They are, but the Russians are a little less particular about this sort of thing.
Edit 00:12:28
Kieran Vollard Sometimes I'll be working on a piece and I'll think "No, this is bullshit". So I will literally rub bull excrement on the piece as a metaphor.
Edit 00:13:44
Kieran Vollard Do you have any idea what it's like Tim, to be up to your elbow in a zebra vagina and feel life, new life, fresh life.
Tim Wagner No, I don't.
Kieran Vollard You should try it Tim, it's magical.
Edit 00:23:19
Caldwell My girlfriend is not a hooker.
Williams She tried to give me a BJ.
Caldwell Yea well if she didn't ask for money then she's not a hooker is she?
Williams She asked me for money. It wasn't that expensive either. Still had a ton of singles left over from your sister's birthday party. Hey is Cinnamon a family name?
Edit 00:40:34
Kieran Vollard Not many animals mate for life. Penguins do. I've spent a lot of time with penguins and they're really cool. Maybe you're a penguin Tim but Julie is not a penguin. She's a lioness. Don't try to mate a lioness with a penguin....ever. Have you ever seen a mammal and a bird mate? I've never even heard of that.
Edit 00:48:07
Barry People don't want to punch something that's dead. It's instinctual.
Edit 00:48:46
Barry It's code Time, you should watch Law & Order. Horse is heroin. Grass... marijuana. The horse likes to run around on the grass. The heroin likes to run around on the marijuana. Wine. Alcohol like beer...or wine. Oh man they are planning one hell of a party!
Edit 00:52:02
Tim Wagner This is fascinating, I can't wait to read it.
Therman It's $14.99 on my website.
Tim Wagner Okay.
Therman Plus shipping and handling.
Tim Wagner Even if I buy it here?
Therman It shipped from somewhere else didn't it? And I've been handling it.
Edit 01:05:13
Barry Switzerland, I love Switzerland. It is one of my favourite countries. I love your army knives, with the toothpicks. And your cheese. Does the cheese come out of the cow with the holes?
Edit 01:21:29
Barry Well beauty is only skin deep. Unless there is something wrong with your bone structure because then you could have flawless skin but still be very ugly. Because your bones are just gross.
Edit 01:25:38
Barry The Wright brothers decide to make themselves a flying machine. "You fools, you idiots, what's your problem?" everyone shouted. "That will never work because plywood weighs more than air" to which the Wright brothers responded "No, it doesn't".
Edit 01:26:24
Barry Everyone said to him [Vincent Van Gogh]: "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."
Edit 01:37:03
Barry I know that after sex you like to curl up in the fecal position. You cry like a little baby.
Therman Martha told you?
Barry No she did not. I know that you take a magic marker and you draw a face on your penis.
Therman Is that against the law? I don't think so.
Barry And you put a little hat on it and you call it Sammy.
Therman Nobody is supposed to know that.
Barry And you sing to it.
  • In today's dollars
    Domestic $73,026,337
    Foreign +13,380,340
  • = total worldwide gross $86,406,677
  • - a reported budget of $69,000,000
  • = a 25.2% net profit of $17,406,677
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