Conan

Guests

Lisa Kudrow

Mike O'Malley

Interpol

Monologue Jokes

• Of course, people are still talking, this is still dominating the news. People are still waiting to see what President Mubarak is going to do in Egypt. What move is he going to make? What's the latest? I got it for you. That's why you tune in. That and my hair. [Conan flexes the muscles on his skull to move his hair. The Audience Woos.] That's sad. That's the latest though. President Hosni Mubarak said that if he resigned, Egypt would descend into chaos. Yeah. Then he said, "Now, if you excuse me. I have to look out a window for the first time in two weeks." What is he talking about? As he said that, baseballs came through the window and hit him. He got beaten with a mummy. They're stealing mummies over there, and they're hitting each other over there. It's like a pillow fight with mummies. [Andy: That is how oppressive that regime is. They don't even know how to loot. "Forge the TVs, grab the mummies!"]
• According to Egyptian television, Hosni Mubarak's son Gamal does not want to be Egypt's next president. That's what he said. Experts say that it's no big deal because once you've seen one Mubarak, you've seen Gamal. [Conan waves good-bye and leaves. He jogs back and does a jig. -- Andy: And he was never seen or heard from again.]
• Super Bowl Weekend almost here. Did you hear this? President Obama has invited Jennifer Lopez to the White House to watch the Super Bowl, but he has not invited her American Idol co-star Steven Tyler. [Audience awws.] Sources say that Tyler is upset because he already picked out 9 women's scarves to wear. [Conan mimes Tyler wrapping the scars around himself, having big lips, and looking sad.]
• Speaking of the Super Bowl, for the past week, every infant born in Pittsburgh has been swaddled in yellow and black towels and given a Steelers cap. [Audience boos.] Not only that, they wash the baby by pouring Gatorade over its head. Then they hit it with a mummy. I don't know. I'm just fascinated with the mummies. [Andy: I just wanted to say that in Green Bay, they cover the newborns with milk and cheddar.] "Sleep, baby, sleep."
• By the way, happy Chinese Year, everybody. This is interesting. The Chinese say that the year is 4,709 while  we say the year is 2011. Well, folks. I'm just going to guess they got the math right on that one.
• Valentine's Day is creeping out. Have you made any plans yet? [Audience remains silent.] I'm just going to  push ahead even though nobody said anything. "We made no plans. What's your point?" The fast food chain White Castle announced they're taking reservations for Valentine's Day. No, it's the perfect place to bring that special lady you never want to see again.
• I saw this. Bill O'Reilly says on his website that ocean tides can only be explained by God. When someone explained to him that they're caused by the moon, he said, "Well, how did the moon get there?" In a related story, Bill O'Reilly is a five year old boy. [Conan ponders how the moon got there.]
• Crazy blizzard from the Midwest. You're from the Midwest, aren't you, Andy? [Andy: Chicago-ish.] Close enough. You were born in a corn field right outside Chicago. After the big snow storm in Chicago, Mayoral Candidate Rahm Emanuel is pitching in digging cars out of the snow. Rahm Emanuel. Yeah. Of course, Rahmn Emanuel didn't help his campaign by saying, "Thank God I don't live here."
• In New Zealand, an official was caught lying about his past when he claimed that he once bobsledded against the team from Cool Runnings. Experts are already calling it the Saddest Lie Ever. [Andy: "I played bass in Mili Vanili.]
• Hey, this is big. Tomorrow is Facebook's 7th Birthday. 7th Birthday. Just think that 7 years you were only in touch with people from high school that you liked. Remember that? [Conan mimes a Frankenstein monster being hit with a mummy.]
• Officials just released Charlie Sheen's most recent 911 call.  We were lucky enough to get a hold of it -- just pretend. It helps if you pretend. "Oh, Conan, you got it first?" Anyway, they just released Charlie Sheen's most recent 911 call. Here it is. [An audio clip plays where Charlie Sheen calls 911. The operator recognizes Charlie Sheen and asks if it is coke-related or whore-related.] He just pushes a number on the phone to choose.
• 

   Frozen.
  I mentioned the snow in Chicago. The blizzard in Chicago. The snow was so bad that many people were stranded for hours in their cars. Trapped in their cars. Actually, we're told, this is serious, that people are still trapped in their cars. Let's check in with one of those people. Live via satellite, live. [Conan talks to an overly cheery man trapped in his car. He makes the best of his situation until he freezes to death.] He is good.
• 

   Super Bowl Hats.
  Of course, Super Bowl is this Sunday. As most of you know, Green Bay Packers fans are called cheese heads. Many fans wear hats that actually look like cheese. You're going to be seeing a lot of those on Sunday. Well, we thought what if you're a Green Bay fan who wants help living a healthier lifestyle. Well, we made a hat for that. Please welcome the Green Bay Packer fan the: Cottage Cheese head. [A man in a Packers jersey walks out wearing a block of cottage cheese on his head. It drips down onto his shirt.] Of course, as the Packers have such an iconic hat, we thought that the Steelers deserved a hat that represented their team. So here's the official hat for Pittsburgh Steelers fans. [A man wearing a steel girder with welders on top walks on stage.]

2011 Puppy Lingerie Bowl