Conan

Guests

Ray Romano

Arianna Huffington

The LXD

Monologue Jokes

• There's a sign up there: "We Want to Wear Your Skin." [Two girls hold up signs that read "Conan, We Want to Wear Your Skin."] That's creepy. Had to do it? No! You didn't have to do it! "We had to do it." [Andy: That's what every serial killer says.] "I just gotta wear your skin." She's gotta do it.
• Everyone's talking about Oprah today.  That's a big story. In an upcoming story with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey said she is not even kind of a lesbian. It was a really awkward moment because it was in response to the question, "How was your flight?" [Andy: You know what? I don't believe her because aren't we all kind of a lesbian?] You know I am. I sure am. Yeah.
• I got some unsettling news about our education system. On a recent worldwide math test. A math test composed of students all around the globe. American teenagers ranked 25th out 34 countries. Yeah. When they heard this, American teenagers said, "Yeah, like there's 34 countries." Then they got on their skateboard and -- [Conan mimes riding a skateboard off balance.] Played some kind of video game. Whatevs.
• New York city taxi drivers have been asked to start racially profiling their passengers. Yeah, the drivers are being told to report anyone who looks like them.
• The other day in prison, Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone under him mattress. Guards became suspicious when they noticed Manson had started wearing a Bluetooth headset. [Conan mimes talking into an earpiece.] "I'm gonna cut your face, Jack. Then I'mma go back in time. Hold on, I'm getting another call. Wait. That's just a voice in my head, sorry. I'm gonna cut you, Jack." [Andy: I just want to know who's on the other side of the phone. Oh, It's Charlie! Hi, Charlie.] Oh, yeah! I'm going to cut you bad! [Andy: Oh, okay. How are things?] I'm going  get you. The man made me. I'm the system. You're the system. I'm not garbage. You're garbage! [Andy: Oh, like a broken record, you are!] Well, bye! [Andy: Bye, talk to you later, Charlie.]
• Earlier tonight, President Obama appeared on the Discovery Channel show Mythbusters to test the feasibility of Archimedes legendary solar death ray. Yeah, if that doesn't boost his approval rating, nothing will. That's the way to get it up there. Way to go.
• 7-11 recently announced they will begin selling their own brand of wine. Yes, so finally they will be selling something that's supposed to sit on the shelf for decades. Cause that's their food. [Audience woos.] Woo? I'm not going to go by someone who wants to wear my skin. Lovely joke, and I want to wear your skin.
• In Louisiana, two six year olds and a three year old are being accused of robbing a home. Their attorney has entered a plea of "Nuh-uh."
• Former Bay Watch actress Donna D'Erico said she was forced to go through a full TSA pat down just because of her looks. Not only that, she was forced to star on Bay Watch just because of her looks.
• I call her J-Lo. That's a little nickname I made up for her. You can use it if you want. But, Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband is trying to release a sex tape she made of the two of them. Yeah, he means to release this thing. Jennifer Lopez is upset. She says she will prevent people from seeing the movie by promoting it heavily.
• New Years' Eve coming up. Listen to this. They just announced this. On New Years' Eve, Snooki from Jersey Shore is going to be placed inside a ball that will drop in Times Square at midnight. The good news is they are placing her inside the ball this afternoon. [Conan mimes being trapped in a ball.] Not a lot of air in there.
• Now listen. There are a lot of serious issues out there. Serious issues facing the country. I am going to address one of them. A lot of criticism out there of President Obama for deciding to extend the Bush-era Tax Cuts. President Obama held a press conference yesterday to explain his decision. We found this footage online of the President making a statement. Take a look. [An Internet Video Ad countdown plays with 10 seconds left.] That's ridiculous. I'm doing a big show here in front of the nation. I'm going to throw to a video and [Andy: And we have to watch an ad.] Yeah. It's stupid. Okay. Throw back to the video. [Another ad plays with 20 seconds remaining.] The time went up! We went up in time! It was supposed to be like 8 seconds left. It's insane! Just show the video! [Another ad. It says they meant 45 seconds instead of 30. That's 15 seconds more.] Okay. I'm going to try one last time. I think enough  time has gone by. We should have it by now. Okay, let's take a look at it. The President's video. [The computer crashes because Windows Media Player is not installed. The computer starts playing an ad for it. Andy: It's a crazy world. I mean that's sort of the point, right?] You should say that everything that happens. [Andy: Oh, I will. Wait for it, Ray Romano!]
• Speaking of online video. Check out this online video. A sportscast in Norway was trying to do a sportscast. And a guy keeps trying to jump in. Here. Look at this. [A man with his pants down fondles his own genatalia and continually jumps in the background of an interview.] I gotta say, Andy. I couldn't believe they kept going on with the interview like the guy wasn't even there. [Andy: I know. This is Norway we're talking about. That guy was doing full frontal in what had to have been sub-zero temperatures. It's amazing.] Yeah. [One of Conan's writers lowers his pants and jumps around behind Andy. Andy: It really seems like world-class flashing. It was really, really good. As far as flashing goes. Can I talk about my new charity now.] Maybe later. [Writer with pants down keeps jumping around vigorously.] It's a crazy world.