TV

"Blocked at every turn... by adventure."

Outside of some vintage WWF vignettes and wacky Japanese commercials, I realize I haven’t actually featured any TV content in this column. I’d ascribe that to movies perhaps having fewer rules of “standards and practice” to abide by (figuring that might account for their being less “weirdies” on the tube) but it only takes a second’s thought to realize that’s probably a hasty explanation. There’s surely just as great a wealth of the bizarre in TV Land; I just can’t call them to mind as readily. Still, since it’s come time to tie this column in to the week’s theme honoring the Emmys and the beginning of a new programming season, Heat Vision and Jack is what pops into my head immediately.

Maybe it fits that it was never actually on television.

If I told you there was a show with Jack Black, Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller and the guys who created Community and the Sarah Silverman Program involved, you wouldn’t expect it to have any problem getting on TV, would you? Well, this didn’t get picked up. It was labeled too “out there” and its intro shows precisely why in a rather concise fashion…

You’ve got an astronaut who turns omniscient in the day time, a motorcycle possessed by his roommate and Ron Silver, the actor whose credits include Timecop, chasing the two of them across America on behalf of NASA. The first, and only, episode had them all running afoul a short-order cook whose mind's taken over by an extra-terrestrial radio wave monster called “Paragon.” Intended as an absurdist tribute to old school sci-fi adventure shows like Manimal and the Six Million Dollar Man, you can easily picture the subsequent episodes being one-offs with Heat Vision and Jack running into bizarre monsters-of-the-week while evading Mr. Silver.

And yes, Ron Silver actually plays himself. My favorite gag has a local doctor recognizing him as “the bad guy from Timecop” because acting's the hobby he entertains when he isn’t doing NASA’s dirty work.

Awesomely absurd, right? Well, it was too absurd for major network TV and, since its intentionally-cheesy special effects were actually rather expensive to pull off, it never made it to air. The real sad part is, this was put together in '99. If it had been put together a few years later, it probably would’ve ran on Adult Swim and found an audience pretty easily. However, despite some talk of it being reworked into a feature, it’s unlikely that it’ll ever continue in in any other form since the careers of everybody involved took off in different directions.

"I know... EVERYTHING!!!"

For a while, this was a favorite in the bootleg tables of comics conventions, but now you can find the whole thing pretty easily online. What’s crazy is that it’s maybe the only unused pilot that’s had this kind of life after discontinuation, and you know there are surely hundreds of other titles in that corner of TV Land that's so much like the island of lost toys. Just try to imagine the pilots that were too weird to make it to the bootleg tables.

I never claim to have any of that “journalistic integrity” which furrows so many reporters’ brows but, nevertheless, I do feel like I ought to mention that I’ve met Rob Schrab (one of the show's creators) a few times between signing at Comic Con and attending his monthly Channel 101 festival in LA. His first big work, Scud the Disposable Assassin, had a major influence on my own comics and I’ve been a consistent mark for all the absurdist shorts he’s put up on his website over the years. So I’ll admit to having a preference for Heat Vision and Jack that I haven’t really had for anything else I've featured in this column. Your mileage (on a possessed motorcycle or otherwise) will, of course, vary from mine.

"Acting is one of my more enjoyable diversions."

Check out some previous "Weirdies" below...

• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Videodrome
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: The Holy Mountain
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Bubba Ho-Tep
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Santa Claus
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Moonwalker
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Meet the Feebles
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Being John Malkovich
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Death Race 2000
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: A Scanner Darkly
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Buckaroo Banzai
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Twelve Monkeys
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Dark City
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: The Yellow Submarine
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Shadow of the Vampire
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Return to Oz
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Koyaanisqatsi
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Erik the Viking
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Altered States
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Repo Man
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: The Peanut Butter Solution
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: The Toxic Avenger
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Begotten
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Fantastic Planet
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: The Plague Dogs
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Nam's Angels/the Losers
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Willard
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: The Ultimate Warrior/Jake the Snake Vignettes
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Schwarzenegger's Insane Japanese Ads
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: City of Lost Children
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Future Cops
• WELCOME TO WEIRD: Naked Lunch

Oh my god, I would watch the shit out of that!

My absolute favorite Rob Schrab short has always been Twigger's Holiday.

You nailed it though, Heat Vision and Jack could easily have been an Adult Swim show.

That reminded me of Dark Places.

God I love that show.

Looks great and, yes, weird as hell. Should at least be a good mini-series. Don't think it would hold up in the long run though.

@Christoffer said:

Looks great and, yes, weird as hell. Should at least be a good mini-series. Don't think it would hold up in the long run though.

Everyone told me I was crazy, but I knew Ron Silver was working for NASA on the side.

I liked the pilot, but I don't think it could have been too interesting for long. It would have just been way too formulaic. Also I'm not too fond of Jack Black, though I am fond of talking motorcycles!

Jack Black and a talking motorcycle has to be the greatest concept for a show ever.

And now I'm sad it didn't go any farther.

I remember this it was freaking awesome. It was actually made before Jack Black was considered more of a star. Of course these days he's seems to be a wild card.

I just watched the pilot and it is amazing!

@Moviemaniac: Jack Black's movies have made some cash money lately. If he's a wild card, it's not that wild. Or do you mean quality wise?

I love the hell out of Rob Schrab. SCUD is probably my favorite comic ever.

Maybe it's only because it was never turned into a series, but I would totally watch an entire season of that.

all those guys had a rough go of it the world wasnt ready :( the internets was not what it is today, and networks and cable all choked them out with notes and re-writes on projects they did get.

@Christoffer:

Gulliver's traveled Bombed and Year one did really poorly. The only thing he has to hold back on is Kung Fu Panda.

@Moviemaniac said:

@Christoffer:

Gulliver's traveled Bombed and Year one did really poorly. The only thing he has to hold back on is Kung Fu Panda.

What? Gulliver's Travels did just fine according to the Screened site. I don't really count Year One since it was so much wrong with that movie apart from Jack Black... and again, it didn't really bomb did it? He seem to draw a crowd, that's all I'm saying.

@Christoffer:

My mistake Travel's flopped in the US, but did terrific oversees. Year One was a flop however worldwide and domestically.

Remember this is '99 kids. When Jack Black had yet to not reach out expectations.

That intro is everything I love about television and I hate you for showing me this show that could have existed but didn't.

Now I'm going to be sad for days.