It's a mild return to normalcy on Wednesday night, with most network shows airing new episodes and precious few reruns around to waste your time. Hump day! I literally have nothing to say about any of these shows other than what I wrote in the little boxes below. Read those and let us know what you actually want to watch in the comments below...won't you?
 | Modern Family ABC 9 PM: ABC's actually back with a vengeance, with new episodes of The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, and Revenge. A great way to kill an evening if I didn't have things like Skyrim on my mind. |
 | Survivor CBS 8 PM: "A relative crosses the line during a reunion; a new alliance threatens to shake things up in the Te Tuna tribe." I have literally nothing to say about any of this, except I guess I am technically saying something about it, so don't hold my use of the word "literally" against me. |
 | American Horror Story FX 10 PM: "Violet learns the rules of the house; Larry's condition is explained; Constance is interrogated by the police." This episode is called "Smoldering Children," which I can only hope is a literal reference to a child literally being set on literal fire. |
 | The X Factor FOX 8 PM: This episode's called "Performance." When even the guy naming the episodes can't be bothered to give a shit anymore, that's when I know I can stop talking about it. |
 | Top Chef BRAVO 10 PM: I'm actually not sure if I prefer an episode called "Performance" on a singing show or an episode called "Higher Steaks" on a cooking show. I kind of want to murder you, Top Chef show-namer person. |
 | I Hate My Teenage Daughter FOX 9:30 PM: In a shocking twist, this brand-new show managed to make it to its second episode! Congratulations, new show! You're in the upper percentile of new shows this fall. Way to go. |
 | Law & Order: Special Victims Unit NBC 10 PM: "When the detectives find a missing 14-year-old working as a prostitute, they set up a sting to put the johns away for statutory rape and find one of her customers is a former professional football player." Rape! |
 | Psych USA 10 PM: "Shawn and Gus hide a witness at a remote commune for progressive intellectuals." Oh boy, one of those hippie commune episodes! I never get tired of those. |
 | Criminal Minds CBS 9 PM: "The team investigates when an apparent mass suicide takes place at a military academy; Morgan and Hotch clash." Mass suicides are pretty hard to fake, so the "apparent" part kind of bugs me. Still, I'll see how it plays out. Or, more likely, I won't; I've never seen this show. |
