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| Sue Sylvester |
|
You think this is hard? Try waterboarding. That's hard! |
| Mercedes Jones |
|
Oh, HELL to the no! Look, I'm not down with this background singin' nonsense. I'm Beyoncé, I ain't no Kelly Rowland |
| Sue Sylvester |
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You think this is hard? I have hepatitis. That's hard! |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
If you quit the club, I'll let you touch my breast. |
| Finn Hudson |
|
Under the shirt? |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
Over the bra |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching — and that includes an elementary school production of Hair |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
Iron tablet? It keeps your strength up when you menstruate. |
| Will Schuester |
|
I don't mestruate |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
Neither do I |
| Will Schuester |
|
Being in a boy band did wonders for my love life... we started doing it once a week. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
The way you use your mental illness to help these kids is really inspiring. |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day. But it was a mistake |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
I'll often yell at homeless people: 'Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Try not being homeless for once' |
| Kurt Hummel |
|
Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker. |
| Kurt Hummel |
|
It's a unitard. Guys wear them to work out nowadays. Play sports. They wipe sweat from your body |
| Noah "Puck" Puckerman |
|
That Rachel chick makes me wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing |
| Rachel Berry |
|
Yes, I am back in glee club. In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to a socially conscious charity of your choice |
| Will Schuester |
|
We'll get you sobered up and... find you some underwear. It's not too late for you |
| Emma Pillsbury |
|
Will is a good man. He's kind and he's generous and he deserves a lot better than you. |
| Ken | I know our relationship isn't perfect... you cried that one time my elbow rubbed your breast |
| Terri Schuester |
|
I'm the new school nurse |
| Will Schuester |
|
But you don't have any training |
| Terri Schuester |
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Please, Will, it's a public school |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
Every time I try to destroy that club, it comes back stronger than some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don't know. I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. |
| Mercedes Jones |
|
Can we try something a little more black? |
| Rachel Berry |
|
It's glee club. Not crunk club |
| Finn Hudson |
|
I came up with the best baby name of all-time: Drizzle |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional, unless it's from physical exhaustion |
| Emma Pillsbury |
|
Ken has convinced me we need to at least be in the same room when the marriage is certified. |
| Ken | What can I say? I'm a traditionalist |
| Ken | I want the Thong Song. I want something I can shake my money maker to |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
Status is like currency. When your bank account is full, you can get away with doing just about anything. But right now, we're, like, toxic assets. |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
I don't care if my baby comes out with a mohawk, I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's. |
| Noah "Puck" Puckerman |
|
It would be pretty awesome if it came out with a mohawk |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
If I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form, they're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby's head start crowning |
| Kurt Hummel |
|
Rachel manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time. |
| Finn Hudson |
|
Im gonna say this as nice as I can. But you look like a sad clown hooker. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
While they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using them. |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
I want my kids to be able to look back at these books and see who I was, make them proud — not the bastard one I'm carrying now, of course — the ones I'll have when I'm married and ready. |
| Emma Pillsbury |
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Ken has a lot of flaws. He has 74 flaws as of yesterday |
| Emma Pillsbury |
|
We've got a problem. They're doing all our numbers - the kids are completely freaking out. Artie keeps ramming himself into the wall and I'm pretty sure Jacob will just wet himself |
| Anonymous | Having sex is not dating | |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
If it were Santana and I would be dating |
| Candace | Okay. I'm just gonna come out and say it. This is a singing competition. I don't know how those deaf kids got in. They weren't singing, they were like honking and everyone was crying and I was like, "Get off the stage. You're terrible and you're making me super uncomfortable. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
You'll be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club and finding a hairstyle that doesn't look like a lesbian. |
| Finn Hudson |
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I think I'm dating Rachel. At least she sure thinks I am |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks? |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
You may be two of the stupidest teens I've ever encountered - and that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to Sarah Palin. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
As Madonna once said, I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am. Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first. |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
I'm instating a new policy in which we play Madonna over the PA at all hours, everyday. |
| Kurt | You shouldn't be embarrassed about your boy. | |
| Mercedes Jones |
|
Embarrassed? I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot. |
| April | Will Schuester?! I just had a sex dream about you. |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
I had a cold and I took all my antibiotics at the same time and I forgot how to leave. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
I bribed Will Schuester's landlord to bug his apartment with baby monitors under his couch. And in his bedroom. |
| Noah "Puck" Puckerman |
|
Get ready black girl from Glee club whose name I can't remember right now. The Puckster is about to make you his. |
| Artie Abrams |
|
I'm never gonna dunk a basketball or kill a lion. I need to focus on dreams I can make come true. |
| Bryan | You cant feed a child sheet music, Well. I suppose you could, but they'd be dead in a month. |
| Figgins | American teens are coming down with an enormous case of Twilight fever | |
| Tina Cohen-Chang |
|
My mom won't even let me watch Twilight. She says she thinks Kristen Stewart seems like a bitch. |
| Rachel Berry |
|
When I was little and I was sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got to a point where I didn't know if I was sad or thirsty. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
You know, for me trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them but they just keep coming. Sue Sylvester has hourly flair ups of burning itchy highly contagious talent. |
| Will Schuester |
|
Inside, you're a really good person. I appreciate what you're doing for these kids. I won't forget it. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
I'm seriously gonna puke in your mouth |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
It's as barren as me in here |
| Rachel Berry |
|
Break a leg |
| Finn Hudson |
|
I love you |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
Even if your team has dropped their sequin-covered panties and urinated all over the stage like an elderly Carol Channing, they literally could not have done worse |
| Tina Cohen-Chang |
|
You ignored me for weeks this summer! |
| Artie Abrams |
|
I was playing a marathon game of Halo, woman. |
| Coach Beiste | You're all coffee and no omelet | |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
That doesn't make any sense |
| Santana Lopez |
|
My eyes are up here, Jew fro |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I wanna touch her boobs. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
Female football coach, like a male nurse? Sin against nature. |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
I would just like to say that from now on I demand to have every solo in glee club. When I had my teeth cleaned I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman that I am |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Well, congratulations. Normally you dress like a fantasy of a perverted Japanese business man with a very dark specific fetish but I actually dig this look. Yay |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
I hope you all respect when I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out of control impulse ever created |
| Tina Cohen-Chang |
|
Last week we were too sexy, this week we're too religious -- we can't win. |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
Now I know how Miley feels like |
| Kurt Hummel |
|
I don't need to sit around and listen to all you mental patients tell me there is a God when I know there really isn't. |
| Kurt Hummel |
|
I don't believe in God, Dad. But I believe in you, and I believe in us |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, no matter how comforting, is cruel. |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
Is God an evil dwarf? |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
If your students wanna praise God, I suggest they enroll in Sweet Holy Mother of God Academy on St. Jesus Street. |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
I did a book report on heart attacks if you wanna give it to the doctor. It got knocked down a whole grade because I did it in crayon. |
| Finn Hudson |
|
When I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God. Literally |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
I made him a card that said 'heart attacks are just from loving too |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I guess I don't have to. Mary Lou Retton is an orphan or something. |
| Sue Sylvester |
|
(To Emma) I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still allergic to your lustrous, ginger mane |
| Artie Abrams |
|
You've never made eye contact with me |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
For a while, I thought you were a robot |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I've been practicing nudging the meatball across the table with my nose. |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
I don’t want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Hello Lauren, you are a beautiful person. |
| Lauren Zizes |
|
Thank you. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Now get out of my way please afores I ends you. |
| Lauren Zizes |
|
You don't wanna push me. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Oh? but see, I sorta do. I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights adjacent. You know where that is, pop 'n' fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks. |
| ... | (Santana and Lauren fight, with Santana being thrown at several lockers before Coach Bieste arrives and carries Santana away) | |
| Santana Lopez |
|
That's how we do it in Lima Heights! |
| Tina Cohen-Chang |
|
(while hungover) I need to shut my locker and it's gonna sound like a gunshot. |
| Mercedes Jones |
|
I have had the worst hangover since Saturday and it's Monday. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
I've been dry-heaving all weekend and when my mother asked what the sound was, I said I was practicing bird calls. |
| Mike Chang |
|
Hey guys, I can't stop barfing. |
| Tina Cohen-Chang |
|
Please don't say 'barf'. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
I caught a whiff of hairspray and went full Linda Blair in the girls' bathroom. |
| Dave Karofsky |
|
None of your business, J Lo. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
First of all, anything you do became my business when you decided to toss that slushie up in my grill. |
| Dave Karofsky |
|
I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Ha, see, here's what's gonna go down. Two choices: you stay here and I crack one of your nuts, right or left, that's your choice, or you walk away and live to be a douchebag another day. Oh, and also? I have razor blades hidden in my hair. Mhmm tons, just all up in there. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
The only straight I am is straight up bitch. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Holy crap! I'm a closet lesbian and a judgemental bitch, which means one thing. I have awesome gay-dar. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel's got a bit of a shnoz, I mean, I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her but can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things that we wouldn't change about ourselves? I mean, I'm sure Sam's been to the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyways and I'm definitely sure that Tina's looked into getting an eye de-slanting. |
| Tina Cohen-Chang |
|
That's extraordinarily racist. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
I'm keepin' it real. |
| Kurt Hummel |
|
Go with God Satan ... Santana. |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
I have pepperoni in my bra. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Those are your nipples ... |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Let me tell you how this gonna be if I may. When I look at a person I don't see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes, I just see someone who I may or may not have to destroy. So if you ever tell me what to do I will end you. |
| Becky Jackson |
|
Bring it sandbags! |
| Santana Lopez |
|
(To Quinn) Look, I've got a bar of soap and a bottle of peroxide with your name on it in my locker. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over by my other evil personality. I call her Snix. Her wrath of words is called Snix juice. |
| Kitty Wilde |
|
We could handle gimpy and the tarantula head and Richie Poor because you guys were national champs like us, but our invitation was not extended to pre-op Precious based on the novel Barf by Sapphire, and Mike and Molly's daughter, as part of our crew. |
| Kitty Wilde |
|
You do not want to break up with me, m'kay? I am like a bad Carrie Underwood song once I get going. |
| Kitty Wilde |
|
Y'all are sinners, and you'd better get right with God toot sweet because Jesus just logged onto Orbitz and booked himself a plane ticket back to Earth. See, he's got an awesome dad named God who's throwing him a bitchin' party called Armageddon, where he's gonna get to kick off his sandals, dance a little bit, and judge the crap out of everybody |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
Santana, we've graduated, it's really time to get over this. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Get over what? |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
You being jealous of me. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
And why would I be jealous of you? And please don't tell me it's because you're in some lame secret Nazi sorority. |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
Look, Homecoming weekend I went to Jodie Fosters clam bake and that Professor that I was talking about? well, he's 35, smokes a pipe, well, he's divorcing his wife who hasn't touched him for 3 years and I'm dating him. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Wow, TWITTER UPDATE! Quinn is all excited about another guy defining her life. |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
And what are you excited about? Shaking pom-poms in Kentucky? You want everybody to think you're such a bad-ass but really you're just a scared little girl with low self-esteem who's too frightened to chase her dreams. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Did Professor Patches teach you that one in-between quickies on his office couch? Does he get so turned on by teen moms who barely visit their kid? |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
(Slaps Santana) |
| Santana Lopez |
|
(Slaps Quinn) |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
What are you guys doing!? |
| Quinn Fabray |
|
Nothing, nothing at all. |
| Santana Lopez |
|
Quinn always was a genius slapper. |
| Brittany S Pierce |
|
We’re gonna sing a song together, and the music usually starts when I say something like ‘It’s Brittany, bitch’ or I do one of my magical turns. |
