Note: Sorry that this blog goes on for so long. Future blogs will be at least a bit shorter and more concise affairs.
So, here I am. Sat downstairs on a Friday morning, in my pyjamas, with a laptop open, a small kitten chewing on the wire, about to undertake a Season long blog for a show I fell out of love with a long time ago.
Confession time, I used to love Glee. The first 13 episodes were some of the cleverest, funniest and most satirical pieces of television broadcast in 2009. It was a pitch perfect parody of dreadful High School Musicals shunted out of the door because High School Musical was so irritatingly popular. Unfortunately; teenage girls, their minds not being quite as developed as the average human being’s, fell in love with Glee because they thought it was a genuinely awful high school musical. So the creators obviously went, “F*ck it! What’s the point of working really hard doing a parody when the vast majority of our audience isn’t going to get it? Let’s just make a god awful High School Musical knock-off instead!”
And so they did. Season 1 took a nose dive in quality but still remained watchable. Season 2, however, barring about 5 or 6 exceptions, was almost wall to wall unwatchable garbage. There was no consistency with any events or characters. Things happened for no reason. Songs were shunted into episodes. Episodes were shunted into songs. The music was dreadful (as in, the covers, not the actual songs. Mostly). The reset button was pressed too many times to count. It was unbearable. And it also gave us the most disturbing image in the history of mankind.
So, why am I back? Three reasons. 1] I’m a masochist who will stick anything through to the very end (except Disaster Movie. F*ck that film). 2] I have friends who don’t get Sky 1 and would like for me to relay to them what happened (but if anyone asks, it’s cos I want to get into their knickers! Wink wink!) But the most important one is 3] They hired an actual writing staff consisting of veterans from, but not limited to, Chuck and Buffy The Vampire Slayer. So, now, I’m duty bound to stay.
If last night’s premiere is anything to go by, it’ll be annoying, but at least watchable. Let’s recap, then.
Episode 1: The Purple Piano Project
We start off exactly how we started last season with Jacob Ben Israel (a.k.a. The creepy guy who wanked himself to death in public three times last season and, come to think of it, why hasn’t he been locked up yet?) interviewing the members of the Glee club about what they did over their summer vacation. CHORD OVERSTREET! (or, “Homo McBieber”) buggered off so now Mercedes is dating a stereotypical black football jock, because why not? Finn has no idea what he’s doing when the year ends. Mike Chang is either off to Harvard or Stamford (excuse me a sec. I need to compose myself!). Puck and Lauren broke up for no reason. Rachel and Kurt are off to New York (more on those in a sec). And Brittany’s working on a time machine. By the by, despite whatever crap I’m about to throw at this show, know that I really liked that opening and found it hilarious.
Sue Sylvester Will Be Evil Again Whether You Like It Or Not!: So, where’s Sue in all of this? Well, she’s still running for Congress but sucking. She’s in ninth place with 6% of the vote behind “Undecided”, “That Rapist Who’s Running From Prison” and “I Don’t Care, Please Don’t Call Me During Dinner”. She decides she needs to find a cause to get everyone in Ohio behind her and, oh, wouldn’t you know? It’s those pesky glee kids!
Yes, I know that this makes absolutely no sense. The kids helped put on Sue’s sister’s funeral at the end of last season and, after that wonderful display of selfless arrogance (seeing as the funeral became all about the sh*tty kids rather than Jean herself), Sue made peace with the glee club. So, clearly, there’s no reason for her to suddenly return to being an evil, manipulative, arts hating b*tch, is there? Mind you, though, this is Glee. The reset button gets pressed every fifty minutes nowadays and nobody ever changes. Unless that’s some really clever commentary on how nobody in real life actually changes. In which case; well played, Glee!
So, Sue’s running for Congress and her big hook is that she’ll cut all public arts programmes in all schools, in all states, in all of the country. And people are backing her. Because, ya know, that would obviously happen!
William Schuester, The World’s Worst Teacher: So Will spent his Summer in a relationship with Emma, not boning Emma and not winning a Tony (which, as The AV Club (who will have a rather considerable influence in the tone of these blogs, by the by) and all of my musical friends were very quick to point out, can’t have happened according to the series timeline). He now spends his days demoralizing his students, being angry at Sue, being sexually frustrated with Emma (cos a man’s libido needs some action, gorram it!) and whinging about all of these to Coach Bieste (who, surprisingly, is not dead!).
In fact, that second one is the back bone of Sue’s rise to power. He decides to use the Sue Sylvester bullying method to get the public to not vote for her. And by “bullying her” I mean, “dump glitter on her, shout at her, capture the whole thing on video and upload it to YouTube”. And since this is Will Schuester, and a single clever idea has never entered his mind, ever, the clip becomes a YouTube sensation and pushes Sue’s opinion polls UP! Glad to see that even the Glee-World thinks Will is a stupid, irritating ponce!
Also, in another subplot he’s involved in, Will learns to say no to a talentless drama queen with self diagnosed Asperger’s. And by Glee’s reasoning, I can say whatever I want and never get called out on it since I have actual diagnosed Asperger’s (although I’m fairly certain my school possibly misdiagnosing me with Asperger’s doesn’t count). This storyline lasted about 4 minutes and was rubbish, so let’s move on.
This Week In Glee Club: So Sam moved out of town, Lauren quit and Quinn... well I’ll get to her in a bit. This means that the club is down three members and it’s time for, you guessed it! Another recruitment drive! Will’s big idea (that’s most definitely not the least bit clever) was to buy some broken-ish pianos, paint them purple (yeah, I don’t get it either), place them around the school and get the kids to perform big musical numbers that will, magically, get other kids to join the glee club!
Predictably, and obviously to everyone who is not Will Schuester, the club just make big fools of themselves. Their first number ends in a food fight. Their second number involves a piano that Quinn sets on fire (again, I’ll get to her in a bit) but Santana gets kicked out for. Turns out, Santana is again in league with Sue for no other reason than “Derpy derp derp!” and sabotaged the second performance because... peer pressure?
So, Santana’s gone. But Blaine’s in! He transferred to McKinley High to be near his true love (Kurt in, what I believe, is one of the best written gay couples currently on television) and to perform an actually rather good version of Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual”. Well, good until the piano gets set on fire, anyway.
Quinn’s Radical Makeover: By far the funniest thing that occurred all night, however, was probably only half intentional. Quinn has quit the glee club, said screw you to the Cheerios and has reinvented herself! As a cross between Lady GaGa, Joan Jett and Karen O. Proof is in the pic.
And if that isn’t funny, then there is something wrong with you. Cos I laughed nonstop for 2 whole f*cking minutes when they showed that! She also has a tattoo of Ryan Seacrest, smokes and hangs around with a group of punky outcasts called “The Skanks”. Most people are confused as hell. I just find the whole thing hilarious! I’d also like to commend Glee for not getting Quinn to rejoin the glee club by the end of the episode. I’m looking forward to a few more weeks of couldn’t give a crap Quinn!
Kurt & Rachel Realise They Are Sh*t: Kurt & Rachel, in the sole piece of continuity from last season, are still both bestest buddies ever and have already planned out their whole entire future together. They’re going to go to New York to be super ultra amazing Broadway superstars supreme! Emma decides the two should go to a New York Academy Of The Dramatic Arts Social to scout out the competish for getting in there.
And once there, a group of scarily committed singers and dancers make the two of them have an epiphany.
They’re both sh*t.
In fact, the group who perform for them are so good they cause the pair of them to rethink their entire existence. Rachel wants to give up. Kurt reassures her she’ll get in even though she’s not as good or as qualified as all of the others (great message for the kids, Glee!). Kurt thinks he won’t get in. Rachel reassures him. Everyone is ok!
That last part, whilst a well acted scene, still annoys me. I understand the positive message of, “Never give up your dreams, guys!” But they both returned to being super confident and, in Rachel’s case, super full of herself and annoying in the following scene. It would’ve been nice to see some character development, like seeing them both be less confident in their abilities in future, but this is Glee. This show treats character development like a toxic disease to be avoided.
Overall Thoughts: This was a decent episode that suffered both from pressing the reset button on most people again and stuffing too many plots into one episode. The best shows introduce loads of plots throughout the season. They don’t dump 900 into the first episode, especially since 3/4 of them are going to get unceremoniously thrown out in about 3 episodes time. However, I do like the fact that they are really playing the “most of the cast are going to graduate at the end of the season” angle. Maybe we’ll get an actual overarching plot? ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! At least the ep was often really funny though, which is a plus.
Time for some episode awards.
The Stupidest Thing Will Schuester Did All Episode
He takes his lunch to school... in a Superman lunchbox. Allow me to repeat that, just so that you can let it truly set in. He takes his lunch to school... in a Superman lunchbox. Good God.
Biggest Laugh
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I laughed for two straight minutes during “The Skanks” bit. I can tell you right now, I didn’t see that coming at all!
Best Line
Tough call. But I have to go with Rachel’s exchange with one of the Skanks. “We’re doing The Go-Go’s! Who doesn’t love The Go-Go’s!” – Rachel. And then, completely straight faced and serious, “I prefer The Bangles.” – Skank 1
Best Song
So, seeing as I’m not recording the episodes any more, I actually have to sit through the musical numbers. So, yes, each week I will be telling you which was the best. Anywhen, Blaine’s cover of Tom Jones almost makes up for viciously murdering The Human League last season (my ears still haven’t recovered from that). But the mash-up of “Anything Goes” and “Anything You Can Do” by the NYADA students was genuinely sensational. And, good God, can Harmony sing, or what?
Straight Guys Talking About Glee
Just testing the waters here, folks. Something strange happened to me over the Summer. I have found Lea Michele to be very attractive and kinda hot. I dunno why, it just kinda snuck up on me. Anyone else feel the same about this, or am I just weird?
Stray Lines
“She’s the one who got away. Really, really slowly.” – Puck on Lauren dumping him.
“Kent State has a wonderful musical theatre program and a macabre back story! So if you’re down in the dumps, you can always think, ‘Well, things really can be worse!’” – Emma, the Eternal Optimist.
“I have pepperoni in my bra.” – Brittany. “Those are your nipples.” – Santana.
“So this is what being turned on feels like.” – Emma.
“ I have spent the entire year being nothing but kind to you people.” “ Today is only the second day of school. ” – Tina calls out Glee’s bullsh*t with Sue.
“Ladies, I must say this is very hot.” – Sue after Becky and Santana start arguing.
So that’s episode 1. I’ll be here most every Friday to lay down another excessively long, piping hot Glee blog. In the mean time, feel free to hit the comments and share your Glee-pinions! Yeah, I know that that made no sense, but neither does anything else on this show! ZING! Or should I say, “Glee-zing!”? ... Yeah, I’m outta here.
jackanderson’s photo shoot fresh, looking like wealth, about to call the paparazzi on himself.
