Previously: Sue’s evil and her big plan for running for Congress is to cut all arts budgets in high schools because, “Hey! Jane Lynch didn’t leave after the last season! We need to do something with her!” Will finally said “No” to a student. Blaine moved to McKinley because somebody on the staff realised that if Blaine and Kurt break up, people will be p*ssed! Kurt’s running for Class President, Rachel’s getting West Side Story made as the school production and Quinn is now a punk for no other reason than it’s hilarious!
And that’s what you missed on Glee!
Needless to say; SPOILERS!
Totally unrelated but sorta related note to begin with: I’m really, really, really gonna get sick of The Final Countdown before this season is up! Anybody who’s watching this show on Sky1 knows exactly what I’m talking about. Anywho; I promised this week’s column would be shorter and there’s a blistering heat wave going on that’s slowly killing me, so let’s get into it.
Episode 2: I Am Unicorn
A Little Sue Sylvester Goes A Long Way: After having Sue completely smother the premiere episode, the writers scaled her back this week. She tried to recruit Quinn into a campaign video of hers showing how Glee club has robbed her of everything that she has (although, saying that, she still has her looks and personality). When she eventually rejoined the Glee club (more on that later), Sue (being the master of spin) turned her apparently useless video into a piece stating that Glee club is like a drug and that Quinn has relapsed. This pushes her up to number 1 in the opinion polls because... This is a biting commentary on Fox News? I guess?
This Week In Glee Club: Will has decided that he needs to focus on Nationals, Nationals, Nationals and another heaping pile of Nationals. As such; he’s no longer directing the school play and has set up a “Booty Camp” to teach the crappy dancers how to... er... dance. And this class will be taught by the dancing machine of Mike Chang! He also reads Quinn the riot act when she barges into his office for Sue’s video; stating that Quinn has never once thanked the Glee club for being there for her when times got tough!
Er... Mr. Schue? Are you alright? Cos... you... how can I put this delicately... you appear to have grown a brain this week. All of his decisions were actually rather clever and he never did anything that stupid! Are we in some sort of parallel universe where Will is not a complete f*cking moron?
Will set Coach Bieste, Emma and Artie up as the play directors. Artie because he wants to be a director (don’t worry if you forgot. That little ditty of info came waaaaaaay back in Season 1) and Bieste and Emma because... well they need something to do with those characters. It is nice, however, to see each of these characters doing something.
Oh, and Finn sort of learnt how to dance. I know I haven’t made that much of a deal out of it, but neither did the show, so... yeah.
Kurt Hummel, Gay Man: Kurt’s running for Class President an... What do you mean, “When did he say he was doing this?” He said so at the end of last episode! What? Do you people not pay attention? Anyways, Kurt’s running and his campaign manager is Brittany. She’s backing him because she believes he’s a unicorn, which means someone who knows they are magical and aren’t afraid to show it. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Just go along with it.
Kurt is also trying to get the lead role in West Side Story, a musical which (I have been informed) requires a tough guy to play the male lead. Kurt, in his infinite wisdom, decided to audition using a Barbara Streisand song (“I got written permission from the woman herself! Rachel Berry!”) and whilst he, apparently, kills it; nobody is convinced of his manliness for the lead role. Plus, the campaign posters Brittany put up around school make Neil Patrick Harris riding a unicorn with a double rainbow seem tame by comparison.
So Kurt sulks for a bit. But then, Burt (Kurt’s awesome dad!) turns up and metaphorically slaps a reality check into his son! Kurt learns to truly be proud that he’s gay and that, this being high school, that will be all he’s remembered for. But he shouldn’t care so much, cos that’s how High School works. Kurt’s happy! He apologises to Brittany...
...who it turns out is now running for Class President herself with Santana's help. And just to further sh*t in his face; Blaine has been asked to read for the male lead in West Side Story! Gasp! Drama! Jealousy! Me! Furiously! Applying! Head! To Desk!
I’d like to clarify here; if they split up Kurt & Blaine, I will be royally f*cking p*ssed! Not because I’m invested in the best written gay couple currently on TV (though I am a bit), but because it’s the oldest f*cking trick in the book and it’s just conflict for the sake of conflict. Glee has spent all of this time building up how perfect Kurt & Blaine are for each other. If they throw that back in our face... Well, the Old Glee will be back.
Why do I say Old Glee? Well, because of this plot line!
Shelby’s Back!: Shelby, better known as Rachel’s biological mum and Quinn & Puck’s baby’s adopted mum, is back at McKinley! She’s been hired to direct a second Glee club at the school because Sugar’s dad still fails to believe that his daughter is an awful singer (incidentally, Sugar Motta is still a terrible, terrible character). This means that some reconnecting is in order!
She reconnects with Rachel in a decidedly low-key fashion (she pushes a less confident Rachel into trying a more difficult song for her audition) before moving on to the adopted child’s biological parents. Puck just wants to see his daughter and cleans up his act in order to do so (and, in the best scene of the night, turns down being able to hold his kid because he’s worried he’ll drop her).
Quinn, however, is having none of it. At least initially. After having Schue tell her what’s what and Shelby insist that Quinn isn’t getting anywhere near the child until she cleans up her act; Quinn... cleans up her act and rejoins the Glee club. Boo! But it’s all a ruse! Yay! She’s only appearing to clean up her act so that she can gain custody of the child! Oooooh!!
Overall Thoughts: Great episode. It wasn’t particularly funny and the songs weren’t that great (though, thankfully, there were only three with only one not being a solo); but the plots were logical and fit the characters (except Sue’s but, hey ho!), the drama was the best the show’s ever had and the whole thing felt, whisper it... grown up! Plus; we got some slow motion Mike Chang dance moves! It’s all good, baby!
Episode Awards time!
The Stupidest Thing Will Schuester Did All Episode
Slow-motion dancing should be reserved for Mike Chang only, Will! Do you understand that?
Front Runner For Father Of The Year
Burt Hummel who is just so awesome, I want him as my real dad!
Best Line
Again, the brilliant Burt Hummel with this: “You’re gay. And you’re not like Rock Hudson gay, you’re really gay. You sing like Diana Ross, and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.”
Note To Sugar Motta
“Asperger’s” is pronounced “As-purge-ers” not “Ass-burgers”! Get it the f*ck right!
Best Song
Blaine takes it this week for “Something’s Coming”. Quick side note: When did he learn to sing?
Straight Guys Talking About Glee
Isn’t Heather Morris just the cutest? And the best dancer on the cast who isn’t Asian? And one of the best singers? And one of the funniest? And just awesome in general?
Stray Lines
Sue: [to Quinn] First of all, smoking kills. Second, it really does make you look cooler, doesn’t it?
Brittany: Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn, and he becomes a unicorn, and then he poops out cotton candy until he forgets he’s magical, and then his horn falls off. And black unicorns — they become zebras.
Burt: You know what a unicorn is without its horn? A goddamn horse!
Puck: And I haven’t had a drink since we last met! Besides beer.
Sue: [to Beiste, Schue, and Emma] Well, hello She-Hulk, Weepy the Vest Clown, and little Miss Golden Marmoset. It’s a Brazilian monkey, and seriously, it’s your spittin’ image. I’m gonna send you a photo — are you still at freakishbonyginger@gmail?
That’s episode 2! Sound off your thoughts in the comments below and, since I’ve now done two of these so I can’t back out, I’ll see you next week!
jackanderson keeps praying that the lord won’t slow him down.
