Previously: Rachel's a shoo-in for Maria in the school's production of West Side Story, Brittany's running against Kurt for class president, Mercedes has a new boyfriend, Mike is allegedly going to Harvard, Shelby is back and starting a rival Glee club and Blaine will probably get the lead role in West Side Story but Kurt wants it too! And that's been too long without a joke so “smelly poop knickers”.
And that's what you missed on Glee!
Well; so much for the New Glee! This was an absolute train wreck from start to finish. Nonsensical plots, crowbarred in and useless musical numbers and a fake out on the main plot (although, saying that, the main plot they went with was infinitely better). It wasn't even that funny! Except for Coach Bieste. You don't know how happy I am to see her actually have things to say and do!
Anyways, this is going to suck. So let's just get it over with.
Episode 3: Asian F
Mercedes Finally Grows A Pair: I like to think of Mercedes as the Meg of Glee. Meg from Family Guy is consistently dumped on, often unfairly and when she finally does stand up for herself and call everyone else out on their bullsh*t, everyone believes that she's being selfish and spreading lies. Plus, both of their entire characterisations consists of just being a walking stereotype. Meg's the stereotype of an awkward teenage girl. Mercedes is the stereotype of “The Black Girl”.
Well, this week we finally saw some actual f*cking character development!
Mercedes, thanks to the encouragement of her boyfriend (ooh, that just paints a fantastic picture of gender politics, doesn't it?), decides to audition for the lead role of West Side Story. She kills it and leaves the judges in a bit of a pickle as to who to cast in the lead. Rachel, thus re-enforcing the notion that absolutely everything will go your way and you'll get everything even if you don't deserve it, or Mercedes.
In fact, they can't decide, so they issue a call back. Mercedes is understandably starting to get pissed. At the same time, Will Schuester is giving her a hard time in Booty Camp which, funnily enough, Rachel doesn't have to attend. So Mercedes boils over and lets rip at everyone and everything, but mostly Schue, correctly accusing him of favouritism towards Rachel (though she manages to just stop short of accusing him of being racist).
So she quits Glee club and kills her call back. Unfortunately, in a perfect example of the broken educational system in action, the judges still can't decide and double cast the role of Maria. Mercedes is, again, understandably pissed and rejects the offer. So, with no friends (because some people just can't handle the truth) and no opportunities, she turns up at Shelby's door and invites herself into her new Glee club.
And, you know what? I would have loved this plot line if it wasn't for two things. 1] The needless crowbarring in of a Dreamgirls number (more on that later). 2] The show tried to make out that Mercedes was the one in the wrong! Now; I understand that diva behaviour is something that should be frowned upon, but I thought that calling people out on their bullsh*t was a good thing? This whole “Take One For The Team” attitude doesn't mean squat if the team is lead by a hypocritical, moronic doofus! Anger!
And if you thought that was bad, it's about to get a whole lot worse.
Billy Ellio... I Mean; Mike Chang: Mike got an A minus on his Chemistry paper. Yes, you are right to wonder what the big deal is. But you see, it turns out an A minus is, gasp... AN ASIAN F! DUHN DUHN DUUUUUUUUHN!! And that Mike has, gasp... STRICT ASIAN PARENTS! DUHN DUHN DUUUUUUUUHN!! And that if he doesn't pick his grades up he will, gasp... BE FORCED TO QUIT THE GLEE CLUB! DUH DU... Right, that's enough of that.
So after a lot of soul-searching involving dancing with only a tank top and some trousers (oh, laaaadieeees!), he decides that his family can go f*ck themselves and auditions for a role in the musical. His mother finds out and confronts him but it turns out, gasp... SHE WANTED TO BE A DANCER ONCE AND GAVE UP HER DREAMS DUE TO STRICT PARENTS TOO! DUHN D... Hey, I said “enough of that”!
He gets the role, by the way. So if you're thinking that this is leading to the dad becoming angry but then seeing his son in the musical and then fully believing in him for once... You're probably going to be right. Look, I'm fine with homages to Billy Elliot and everything, but this is more like a ham fisted, clunkily handled, terrible Billy Elliot rip off. It's more like the musical of Billy Elliot (which, itself, was a ham fisted, clunkily handled, terrible Billy Elliot rip off). They wrapped this plot line up in half an hour, so I hope you weren't expecting an Asian character to actually get a lead role in an episode on network television or anything! What a stupid thing to think!
This Week In The Class President Race: Brittany performs a Beyonce song (by the by, I will die a happy man if I never have to hear “Run The World (Girls)” ever again) at a pep rally and now seems a shoo-in to win. Rachel enters herself at the last minute into the race because she believed she wouldn't get the lead in West Side Story (but she did, so this just makes her look like a tit) and needed something to put on her NYADA application. Kurt calls her out on this, Rachel stammers and the two stop being bestest pals for life.
Several problems with this. Whilst it's nice to see Rachel's confidence remain at least slightly shaken after the first episode of this season, her actions are still absolutely idiotic and she really should've known that the school would never not give something to her. Plus, now we have the only genuine friendship on this show broken for the sake of random conflict. And speaking of conflict for the sake of conflict, Finn has to choose whether he's going to vote for Rachel (his girlfriend) or Kurt (his brother-in-law). It's like this generation's insufferable version of Sophie's Choice!
Will Schuester's Brain Takes A Vacation: That smart Will Schuester of last week? Gone. This week he pushes Mercedes over the edge (and takes credit for her initially gaining confidence, the selfish b*stard), but I'm going to skip that. I covered it enough already. Let's talk about him and Emma.
Emma is a secret Bridezilla, which Will discovers when he finds her secret stash. After offering to show her his secret stash (she wisely turns him down), he asks why he hasn't met her parents yet. Emma would rather he never did. So Will, in his (and some of Coach Bieste's) infinite wisdom, invites them over for dinner. Turns out, surprise surprise, this was the worst possible thing he could've done. Emma's parents are ginger supremacists and their belief that non-ginger people carry horrible germs is the reason why Emma has OCD. They also pick on her and are mean and stuff.
So, Will stands up for his woman and verbally rips them a new asshole in the manliest he's ever been. Everything's rosy, right? Wrong. The visit from the parents was so disastrous, that Emma has been emotionally broken because of it and all of that progress to controlling her OCD has been destroyed as a result. Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!
This leaves Will with no choice. He then sings Coldplay's “Fix You” (backed by the entire Glee club in white suits) to pledge to her that he will “fix her” of her OCD (do you get it? IT WAS EXTREMELY SUBTLE!!). I then found out that it is entirely possible to pass out from extreme anger and hatred! Who knew?
Kurt & Blaine, Relationship Report: Kurt is more than happy with Blaine being the lead. They kiss and make up. “Phew!” thinks Glee Story Writer A. “Nipped that just in time, didn't we Glee Story Writer B?” “Yep!” replies Glee Story Writer B. “No-one will call us out on that cock-tease!”
Overall Thoughts: Good Christ, that was a horrendous hour. And do you want to know why it's all the more surprising? This one was written by Ian Brennan, the second best writer of the trio. You know who wrote last week's infinitely better episode? Ryan “Complete Hack” Murphy! The man responsible for such “classic” eps as “Funeral”, “Furt”, “Laryngitis” and, of course, “The Rocky Horror Glee Show”. Ian, are you alright? You must clearly not be feeling well if your writing suddenly sucks so bad.
Here are some episode awards.
The Stupidest Thing Will Schuester Did All Episode
Do I need to remind you about Fix You? In fact, for those who had the benefit of not watching this episode, I'll post the song here for you! Note: I'm not responsible for your mental scarring.
Just the one notable line this week. It's Artie on Mike Chang. “He's never late. He runs like an expensive Swiss watch reproduced cheaply in China.”
So there has been a lack of musical numbers so far this season but this episode rectified that in a big way. There were six songs in the space of one hour. That means that someone was singing for half the episode. And, truth be told, they were all either horrible or boring. So I'm giving it to the group cover of “It's All Over”. It was cheesy, it came out of nowhere, it had lines that related to the character's current situation that were crowbarred in and didn't fit at all; but it had a level of showbiz that Glee hasn't tried before and it's at least gotten me slightly interested in Dreamgirls, if nothing else.
Song That Was Used That Missed The Point The Most
From what I gathered, “Spotlight” is a song about an overprotective boyfriend. Not about being stiffed for the lead all of the time.
Sign That Should've Told Me This Hour Was Going To Suck
Santana is now back in the Glee club with the excuse being, “I re-swore my allegiance to Glee club. Without Sue knowing.” “Phew!” says Glee Story Writer B. “Fixed that mistake! No-one's going to notice are they, Glee Story Writer A?” “Not a chance!” replies Glee Story Writer A. “It's not like we made a big deal out of it, right?” The only sane man in the room then hangs him self on a doorknob out of shame.
Straight Guys Talking About Glee
Dianna Agron. Booty Camp. Need I say more? It could just be her looking like that in that situation for an hour and I would still watch this show. And I'd probably enjoy it a hell of a lot more, too. I know a pair of close acquaintances who would. HI-YO!
Little Nerd Reference Of The Week
Mike's mum is called Julia. As in, Julia Chang! Get it? You do!? What do you mean "I'm sad"?
You're Going On Break Already?!
Yep, it's been back for three weeks, but it's already going on break, coming back November 3rd. I, as a simple, peasant English boy, may be accustomed to only seeing US series in full, uninterrupted once their run is over in the great country known as the U S of A; but even I know this is horse sh*t!
You have a premiere date! You have a set amount of episodes before Christmas break! It should not be unreasonable, then, to actually write, film, edit and release those episodes in time for the show's return, right? I think so! Unless this is Fox just holding episodes back for the November Sweeps. In which case, you do know we are getting close to series low viewing figures with this season, right?
That'll, thankfully, do it for this week's blog. Hit the comments below to voice your opinion, Glee fan or no! And, again, I am not responsible for your ears being raped by that dreadful cover of “Fix You”. This feature will return in November, when the show comes “Back from break”.
jackanderson was playing a show down the road when your spirit left your body.