Previously: A whole bunch of stuff happened that is currently completely irrelevant because this episode forgot all about it in favour in of continuing what happened in the episode before that. You know, like a good TV show. I also forgot to blog last week because I was far more interested in Uncharted 3. You know, like a good blogger.
And that’s what you missed on Glee!
There are spoilers. Sexy, sexy, sexy spoilers.
So, we’re back from break. Which, I’m guessing was due to baseball now that I actually pay attention to America (thank you, Daily Show Global Edition!). And, yeah, I didn’t blog about last week’s episode. I really couldn’t be bothered plus, you know, UNCHARTED 3!! But I’m back now. Back for my 3 friends who are girls at college who actually read this sh*t.
Nothing happened last week that impacts on this week’s episode because f*ck continuity. I did however learn that Americans don’t love the Irish (who the hell doesn’t love the Irish?), Will Schuester is an even worse control freak than Battlefield 3 (one does not simply shoot a terrorist!) and that, try as you might, you can’t get an Irishman to admit that U2 are overrated (newsflash: Achtung Baby onwards most definitely is!). So, with that sorted, let’s get into last night’s episode. All about SEX!
Episode 5: The First Time
Right, a hell of a lot of plotlines reared their ugly heads this episode, so I’m going to run through them in order of my giving a sh*t.
Angry Asians! That’s Not At All Racist, Is It?: Mike Chang’s dad is angry! Yes, I know that that is actually his entire friggin’ character but just try and act surprised, mmkay? He’s angry that Mike is taking part in West Side Story (yeah, they’ve already gotten to it. Try not to act surprised). They have an argument where they both disown each other. And Angry Asian Dad doesn’t turn up on opening night but Kindly Asian Mum does. I know, try and hold back your shock and horror. This took up one scene that came out of nowhere and a small mention during the performance of America. C’mon, at least pretend that you’re shocked that Glee marginalized and stereotyped its Asian characters again!
Artie Abrams; Sex God, Relationship Expert And General All-Round Know-It-All: It’s actually Artie’s fault why the whole SEX thing got kick-started seeing as, being a director, he notices that Blaine and Rachel have no chemistry. It’s not because they perform by reading off the script and never actually looking at each other and this is less than a week before the play starts. But it’s because West Side Story is all about SEX and these two can’t quite seem to get playing people who have had SEX seeing as they’ve never had SEX before (by the by, my more musically inclined internet friends, is West Side Story that much about sex? As far as I can tell it’s just Romeo & Juliet with songs and gang violence). So he tells them to get their soul mates and make the beast with two backs. You know, like a responsible teenage High School musical director.
He also sets about hooking Coach Bieste up seeing as she’s the one character on the show who doesn’t appear to be making googly eyes at someone. And he experiences crippling self doubt about his skills as a director for precisely 46 seconds before being reassured and having the play be a hit. What with McKinley High having the best high school arts program in all of America! So, we’re gonna have to wait a while before we have that episode about Artie. Let’s throw him on the redundancy pile with the Asian characters, then.
Threesomes With 3 Guys Are Insanely Awkward: Now that that purposefully homophobic, douchebaggy and misleading title has been dealt with, let’s talk Kurt and Blaine. The only truly likable, believable and not painfully annoying couple on the show (at least for a couple of weeks before they do the “Lesbian Comes Out” episode. Yeah, they’re about to go there). I champion them not for the Gleek reasons of, “OH MA GAWD!! THEY IS LIKE SOOOOOO PURFECT FOR EACH OTHER!!! LOLOLOLOL”. Nor for the liberalist viewpoint of, “We need more non-stereotypical gay couples on network TV! And in Murdoch’s backyard, no less!” No, I champion them because their relationship feels real.
Case in point: last night’s episode. Both Blaine and Kurt are having concerns that they’re too boring or not doing enough with their life. And their positions keep flitting around. Kurt’s fine with himself, Blaine isn’t. Blaine’s OK with SEX, Kurt isn’t. Kurt’s ready for a special night out culminating in a romantic virginity losing, Blaine just wants to get pissed and shag in the back seat of a sh*tty car. But neither are both truly ready until the end of the episode when they talk things out, realise reality and just do it.
Essentially, the show backpedalled on the crazy and gave us some genuine relationship troubles from a pair of teenagers being asked to grow up too fast. And you know what? That’s one of the best plot lines I’ve seen Glee do in quite possibly its whole run. I’m ignoring that whole stuff about Sebastian because, well, it really amounted to nothing and he couldn’t have been more evil if he twirled a moustache and clubbed a baby seal to death.
Plus, Karofsky! In what is truly the best dramatic scene that Glee has ever done, him and Kurt (at a gay bar, no less, for reasons I can’t be bothered to divulge) shot the sh*t, came to understand one another and gained some sort of mutual respect. A huge “COME ON!” erupted from my gob last year when they pulled the “homophobe is actually a closeted gay” plot twist on Karofsky from out of their arses, but the further on it’s gone, the better it’s gotten. They’ve stopped treating it like a lame twist and started treating it like a genuine conflict someone may face.
Right, that’s been too long without a joke, so “SMELLY POOP KNICKERS” and let’s move on.
Daniel Day Lewis? Christian Bale? Amateurs! Only Rachel Berry Is A TRUE Method Actor!: So, whereas Blaine takes Artie’s advice as “become more adventurous”, Rachel takes it literally and starts trying to get a homerun with Finn. Not because she loves him (OK, she does love him, but that’s low down on her list of reasons) but because shagging someone will make her a better actress (Note To Rachel: That only works for porn stars).
So she gets invited into Finn’s house and starts coercing him into bumping uglys. It’s all going well... up until Rachel blurts out she’s only doing this to better herself as an actress. And on a list of turn offs for Finn, that only just gets beaten off by “running over a mail man” (oh, you thought I didn’t remember that? It was a big plot point in the first half of Season 1).
So, she holds an emergency meeting of the girl’s Sex Ed club where she asks the ladies for advice. Quinn takes the opportunity to remind us that she’s in the worst plotline ever. Brittney remarks that she lost it at cheerleading camp to an alien. But general consensus is to simply “wait”. Tina then offers the advice to go for it if she’s with someone she loves. The first time, you see, is magical and will offer great memories even if the relationship ends. So that sets Rachel off on her quest to give her libido some “bom-chika-wow-wow”!
But Finn’s pissed. He was rejected for the Ohio State University’s precious football scholarship (because Ohio State University is the only university worth going to!) and his life. Is now. OVER! But, fortunately, Rachel is on hand in full Sagely advice mode in order to reassure Finn that, it’s OK and that he just needs to come up with new goals in life or try a different Uni. And when this doesn’t work, she gives up her virginity. That’s right folks! Pity Sex! Next week: Glee tackles the themes of rape, rampant drug abuse and marrying your dog!
If this were with any two other characters, I’d have enjoyed this plotline. But, it’s with Rachel and Finn and I think my life would be vastly improved if they were killed in a freak accident involving a steam roller. But not before Will Schuester, obviously.
Coach Bieste Is Secretly A Shy 9 Year Old Girl: So there’s this scout from Ohio State University who’s supposed to be there to scout out which of the kids will be getting a fully supplied football scholarship. But he’s far more interested in scouting Coach Bieste’s pants, if you get what I mean! She’s more than willing but just still fails to believe that the guy’s blatant attempts at hitting on her are genuine because “he just couldn’t go for someone like me”.
At the behest of Artie, the scout directly asks Bieste out and a very emotional Bieste accepts. So, now, the one solo member of the show has a partner of her own! And, despite how insanely generic the plot was, I really liked it. I’ve loved Coach Bieste since they added her in and it’s always nice to see the show use her. If done right, this could be the best couple the show has. Done wrong and... well...
Overall Thoughts: So, yeah, fantastic episode. It may have raced along at 100MPH (I would have preferred a few more episodes that focussed on preparation for the musical) but it’s Glee, so what ya gonna do? The songs were brilliant (bar one which we’ll get to in a minute), the jokes were rather funny, the drama was grown up and the worst plotline in the history of television was, thankfully, ignored this week. It may have had so little to do with last week’s episode that it’s kind of embarrassing, but it’ll do.
Let’s hand out some genuine episode awards!
The Stupidest Thing Will Schuester Did All Episode
So, there I was. Enjoying a perfectly nice Schuester-free episode. And then, he suddenly appears out of nowhere during the kid’s performance of America to say how proud he is of them! For ruining a perfectly good musical number and a great joke I had planned, he gets the award for that. Gorram You Schuester!!
Best Song
I was tempted to give this to America cos that actually was really damn good, but I’m going to give this to just about any song that Santana sang on. Which was half of them. Glee, keep giving Santana songs! Unlike half of your cast, she can actually sing.
Worst Song
I’m fairly certain Uptown Girl was sung by a collection of prototype Cylons. There is no way that any of that was done by any humans. Surely?
Thing That Made Me Most Happy Whilst Watching The Episode
The show playing Roxy Music’s “Love Is The Drug” and ABC’s “Poison Arrow” and NOT having them be sh*tty cover versions. They just played snippets of the original songs in the background of some scenes. Thank the Maker!
Major Plot Holes
Why is Blaine back wondering the halls of Dalton? Don’t you have to be a student of the school to actually be allowed on the grounds? And where did that woman during Uptown Girl come from? I thought this was an all boys school?
Continuity Nods
I’m starting this up as a nice way of congratulating Glee whenever it has some semblance of continuity going. So: Rachel reminded everyone that the last time Girl’s Sex Ed met up was during the Madonna episode and that it didn’t end so well. Plus, Kurt reminds Blaine of the time he got drunk and snogged Rachel. Not much, but it’s a start.
Straight Guys Talking About Glee
So, I still have no idea where that woman came from during the Uptown Girl song but in answer to the question you are undoubtedly thinking of right now: Yes. Oh, God, yes!
Stray Lines
“I thought we were waiting til you won a Tony?” – Finn.
“Any major award. Emmy, Grammy, even a People’s Choice Award would’ve gotten you to third base.” – Rachel Berry. Slut.
“I'm what they call a Bear Cub.” – Karofsky
“Because you look like Yogi?” – Kurt’s like Sterling Archer. Always has the right line for the right situation!
“That’s why we invented masturbation.” – Blaine on whether teenagers should have sex.
“I don’t know who this Blaine guy is, but I hear he’s sex on a stick and sings like a dream.” – Sebastian who is wrong on both accounts.
So, if you’re a fan of Glee, hit the comments and debate the episode. Although, considering how this whole Season blog has gone so far, that’ll be none of ya. And for that, I envy you. To be notified the second the next episode blog drops, make sure to follow me!
jackanderson don’t need money to have a good time.
