Conan

Monologue Jokes

• The holidays are coming up. You must all be excited for the holidays, except the travel part. That's the part that people are worried about, especially with the new pat down procedure that everyone has to go through. People are worried about it. And this is the latest: TSA Chief John Pistole say he and his boss Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano say each have personally received the new more invasive TSA pat down. Yeah, they both got it. It is being called the world's least sexy threesome ever.
• California is fighting back. A California district attorney has vowed to prosecute any TSA employee who touches a passenger inappropriately. Yeah, that's right. The DA says there is an appropriate time and place for inappropriate touching in California. It's called an audition. That's how Andy got the job.
• Donald Trump is in the news. Donald Trump wants to know if people want to see him run for president. So a new website has been launched called ShouldTrumpRun.com. Don't worry. The American public has responded with their own website: No.com. [Conan  sucks in his cheeks and dishevels his hair to impersonate Donald Trump.
• Oprah Winfrey is in the news. Did you see this? Oprah Winfrey is apparently considering buying a property in New Jersey. The property is called New Jersey. [Conan mimes running a credit card through an old fashioned credit card machine.]
• Congressional House Democrats have been pushing for $12 Billion more in unemployment benefits. They say that we should not turn our backs on people that, up until two weeks ago, were House Democrats. [Tepid Audience Response.] Okay. I learned my lesson.
• Levi Johnston has announced that he is not going to do any more interviews for a while. When asked why, Levi Johnston replied, "Because I already used all the words I know." There are 7. He knows 7 words. One is whistle another is cookie.
• Facebook and MySpace are planning on making a joint announcement  today. To make sure people get the message, their only posting it on Facebook.
• Experts believe that by the year 2066 white people will be a minority in Great Britain. That's right. So as a precaution, the country plans to change its name to Tyler Perry's Great Britain.
• Are people excited about the new Harry Potter movie? [Crowd Cheers. Someone exclaims happily. Conan notices a person in the crowd.] Oh my God. This guy is way too excited for the new Harry Potter Movie. [Cut to an audience member dressed like Harry Potter -- complete with robe, glasses, and forehead scar.] He's wearing a Hogwarts outfit. But you went crazy. I didn't see you there. I mentioned Harry Potter and this guy jumped, I'm serious. He jumped and said, "AHHHHHH!" You've just been praying all day that I'd mention Harry Potter. Is that the thunderbolt? Do you have the thunderbolt? How old are you? [The Audience member signals 26.] Oh, 26. Okay. That makes it better. [Andy: This show is turning into the Price is Right.] I know. People coming in costumes. Next week there will be people dressed as cows holding signs: "Conan Milk Me." We can't even do this joke now. This joke cannot compete with a gentleman dressed as Harry Potter. Let's give it to the guy. [Audience Awws.] You want to hear it? This guy is going to get mad.
• Hey, check this out. New Harry Potter movie coming out. He's not excited now. Not so funny now, is it? People are getting really excited. This past weekend more than 40 teams met in New York City to compete for the 4th Annual Quidditch World Cup. Out of respect for their families, the winners were not announced. [Harry Potter Audience member initially applauds then looks sad.] Don't be sad. No. {Conan goes and hugs the audience member.] That didn't seem to make him much happier. Did you just adjust your glasses? [Conan mimes pushing glasses up his nose and riding around on a broomstick.] Where are we now? I've wasted way too much time.
• If it's not clear, I'm absolutely having a blast here at TBS. Are you guys having fun? It's a fun place to work. If you don't know, TBS has this slogan that's everywhere. It's "Very Funny." That's the slogan, yeah. A little bit of pressure there. Every night before I go out, "Remember the slogan is 'Very Funny.' Get out there you redheaded freak." Well you know what's weird. It took TBS a really long time to come up with that slogan. We found out there some other slogans they almost went with.
  

• This is exciting. It was confirmed that this week that Prince William is going to marry long time girlfriend Kate Middleton. They have said that they have yet to make concrete plans on where the wedding should be. Folks, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Okay, clearly not. Have it at Hogwarts? [Harry Potter Audience Member glares at Conan. Andy: Don't anger the wizard!] Andy, I've dealt with this man. You do not want to piss him off. I don't know if you're thinking what I'm thinking, but Southern California is kind of having a rough time right now. Wouldn't it be fantastic for the economy if they had this royal wedding right here? Wouldn't it be great? This is our chance to stimulate the local economy, so I want to make a direct plea. All right, right now, to Prince William and that Lady. Kate Middleton, I guess. It's not on this cue card. I want to make a direct plea that you two people have your wedding in the classiest place on Earth: Burbank California. Tell 'em Andy.