Conan

Guests

Larry King

Shaun White

Iron & Wine

Monologue Jokes

• Welcome to the show, everyone. [Audience Woos.] What are you doing? This is the part that is just nothing. I just say that we've got a great show and then [Mimics Audience cheering.] Do you think I'm going to tell you up front that it's bad? You know what? I should do that. You know tonight's show? It's not very good.  [Audience cheers.] That is a good crowd. "We don't care! Whatever you've got is okay with us!" They never send food back at a restaurant, these people.
• Speaking of television, big revelation today. Oprah Winfrey. Did you hear about this? Oprah announced she has found her half-sister that was given up for adoption as a child. Isn't that crazy. And then, so no one felt left out, Oprah  gave everyone in the audience their own half-sister. That was exciting. "Look under your seats!" [Conan mimes crawling out from under a seat and waving. -- Andy: Hey! You look kind of like my dad!] That's just crazy.
• Oprah Winfrey introduced her long last half-sister and had her on the show today. When asked for comment, Oprah's half-sister said, "Guess what, Mofos. I'm rich." That's what she said.
• This is a very strange story: MSNBC suddenly terminated Keith Olberman last week, and apparently there is a provision in his contract which states he's not allowed on television for at least six months. Or, as industry experts call it, the Conan. [Audience applauds.] That's a legal term now. You better show up, or you get the Conan. [Andy: It thought the Conan was a body hair wig.] Okay, Andy. [Andy: Different industry.] It's a different definition of the Conan. Isn't it weird though? All these people are leaving. Do you think that Olberman and Regis went away to secretly form their own news show together with Larry King who's here tonight. [Andy: Buddy Cop films, maybe?] I'd watch that. [Andy: "I told you to cuff him."] You have the right to remain silent.
• Tomorrow, of course, we're all very excited for President Obama's State of the Union Address. Breaking tradition, Republicans and Democrats are going to sit together intermingled at tomorrow's State of the Union Address. Yeah. So, if for any other reason, tune in for the raw sexual tension. Will they or won't they do it?
• A Chicago court just ruled a couple hours ago that former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel cannot run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, Emmanuel is still free to purchase the position. [One Audience member laughs.] That made one of you happy, and that's all that I need. [The rest of the Audience claps.] It's too late for the rest of you. But he liked it a lot.
• The Pope came out today about Facebook. The Pope praised Facebook and said -- [Audience giggles.] He just came out to talk it. I'm not going to go out to that edge. Are you crazy? Today, the Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for Human interaction. Yeah, but then the Pope reminded everyone that Human interaction is a sin. It's how I was raised.
• A class action lawsuit has been filed against Taco Bell for false advertising. The lawsuit is a result of Taco Bell's new slogan: "You might not get diarrhea." [Conan mimes eating a taco, walking off to use the restroom, and walks back on.]
• This is weird. A California company has developed a soda made with Marijuana. [Audience cheers.] The soda is called Extremely Mellow Yellow. [Andy laughs]. I don't know why that got to you  for some reason. [Andy: I was going to say Mountain Doob. -- Conan encourages the Audience to clap for the joke.] That's good that you came up with something. That's a lot of pressure when they cut to you. "What you got, Richter? What you got?" There's my Regis again.
• Last week in Chicago, Kanye West had to close a restaurant there. He had to close a restaurant. Apparently, the food was terrific, but people were afraid that Kanye would show up.

 Burlesque...

 ... at a Screening of Conan.

• Are you guys excited for Oscar nominations tomorrow. I got to talk about this. This is exciting. No television show in History has ever received an Oscar nomination. And I think this may be the year that that changes. [Audience member shouts encouragement.] Don't get crazy. Hear me out first. Okay. I want you to check out -- Okay, there's a rule that says that you have to be screened at a real movie theater before the end of the year. I want you to check out one TV show that could qualify for an Oscar, because, this is real, it got itself screened at the Simi Valley Regal Cinema 8-plex a half an hour before the New Year. [ Conan plays on a TV next to a screening of Burlesque. -- Audience cheers.] We are technically eligible for an Oscar. [Audience continues cheering.] What are the odds that we'll be nominated for an Oscar tomorrow? Quite slim! But I think it's a possibility that you and I could be going to the Oscars. [Andy: That's exciting. But I found it depressing that people rang in the New Year watching Burlesque.] And me. [Andy: And you.]

• You probably heard about this, it's an international story, but a big one. There is a bit of political chaos in Italy right now. The Italian Parliament has launched an investigation into Prime Minster Silvio Berlusconi. He's accused of bribery and paying prostitutes. Huge international scandal. I wanted to learn more, but I didn't want to be silly and stupid here, so I invited the Prime Minister's personal secretary, Flavio Riggi, to talk to us via satellite all the way from the Prime Minister's residence in Rome. This is an expensive satellite hook-up. [Conan interviews a man with an Italian accent. He tries to cover-up the Prime Minister's impropriety. Behind him, a man in a mask and an apparent prostitute dance around and throw money. Riggi denies it is Berlusconi. The man in the mask yells out that he is Berlusconi. Riggi claims that the attacks on the Prime Minister are slander and that he has many "enemas."]

 Fun Times in front of a Green Screen.