Conan

Guests

Paul Giamatti

Olivia Munn

Little Big Town

Monologue Jokes

[Audience cheers Conan.] I always found the weird sounds at the end kind of disconcerting. [Andy: I thought that maybe cats got onto their seats, so that when they sat back down...] "Now let's start the show. Reeowr." I wish that would happen.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to one of the best shows we've done this week. What is this Tuesday? [Andy: It's Tuesday.] I don't know where I was going with that. I should have thought that through. Well, I'm excited.
Big things going on. Of course, last night, President Obama gave a primetime speech about Libya. How many of you saw that? [One Audience member cheers.] Good. 250 people. One person, "Woo!" America is going in the toilet. Uh, no. It was a big speech. Last night, Obama's speech was watched by 25 million people. The funny thing was that it could have been watched by 50 million people if he had sung that "Friday" song. That's what makes me really sad. "Well, I'll watch it now."
According to reports, President Obama scheduled his speech last night so that it would not interfere with Dancing with the Stars. That's true. So, as of now, the Obama policy is he's willing to embroil us in a third war but not willing to interrupt the Karate Kid doing the Macarena. I find that worrisome.
This is a happier topic, I think. Britain is going to unveil a series of royal stamps that commemorate the wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. Yeah, they are an exact replica of the royal couple in every way except the stamps serve a useful function. [Audience groans then applauds.] Now I don't understand you people at all. Hey, we're going to have a royal wedding. "Yeah! I like them!" But they're of no use. "I know!" You're psychotic, and I like it. [Andy: Is it so surprising that you would attract an audience who are desperate to be liked? -- Audience awws as Conan mimes crying a single tear. He drinks the tear and becomes strong.] Still got it? When I drink my tear, I become strong. This show is so stupid. We're like 4 minutes into this thing, and it's unusable. "Well, what did Conan do so far?" Not much. He just drank a tear and got strong. [Andy laughs.]
Donald Trump is, of course, hinting that he will run for President. [Half of the audience laughs, the other cheers.] Surprised that didn't go over well. Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. Yeah. That's true. Trump's birth certificate lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous. [Conan does his Trump impression. The band plays the first two notes of a song.] So, the deal is you can't play the real thing because it's owned by another...? It's almost worse to play something kind of like it. "Bum bum mup..."
Yesterday, the man known as the French Spider-Man. [Andy: Wait, I thought that was you.] Mon dieu! I must go! Then he gets on a bike and pedals away. Baguette in the front seat. [Conan mimes this action.] How can I even do a joke about this now? I'll try it again. Yesterday, the man known as the French Spider-Man successfully climbed the world's tallest building. Isn't that cool? When asked about performing in the new Spider-Man Musical, he said, "Too dangerous." [Conan mimes the French man on the bicycle again.]
A new company says they will be offering a pretend Facebook girlfriend for others to see. Yeah. It's yet another engineering triumph from the folks at SadTronics. [Conan shakes his head.]
At a Florida Wal-Mart, one woman accused another of sleeping with her husband and then bit her finger off. Yeah. Bit her finger off. It's being called the healthiest thing anyone's ever eaten at a Wal-Mart.
Over the past fifty years, there's no transition here. Me spinning around was the transition. You know some comedians work in a transition into the next thing. I do a reset which is just this. [Conan spins around.] Then it's just me. I don't need reset at all. [Andy: You've forgotten all the sadness.] Well, now they remember it again. [Andy: I'm sorry.]
Over the past 50 years, a man in Florida has donated over 100 gallons in blood. Yeah. Over 100 gallons of blood. He's a man known as Light-headed Joe. [Conan spins around to reset. Audience cheers.] Wow. That really works. If that joke can go across.
I can't believe this. A woman at a Boston airport tried to sneak past security by wearing a diaper stuffed with 1,000 grams of cocaine. Yeah, police say the giveaway was her vagina kept screaming, "Winning!" [Conan does a dance.]
A lot of people talking about that poisonous snake... Okay. [Andy: Which poisonous snake, Conan?] Thanks, Andy! A poisonous snake went missing at the Bronx Zoo this past weekend. You probably read about it. No? Can you just play along? "No! Where's the snake?" [Andy: How do I know you're not making it up?] "What kind of snake?" [Shot cuts to an angry audience member with his arms crossed.] I don't even know if that was guy, but you're it now. Well, that's a defiant audience member. "Let's see what the red-headed clown has to say."
Giant Snake Eats a Train
A poisonous snake went missing at the Bronx Zoo this past weekend. Shut up. And it still has not been found. This news report that I saw did not put me at ease. [A news report plays about the missing snake. It is mixed with scenes from bad horror movie where a giant snake eats trains and blimps. -- The Audience member claps. Conan bows.] So happy I could please you.
Well, a bit of sad news. This weekend, Dr. Harry Coover, the inventor of Super Glue, passed away at the age of 94. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward at his funeral. Take a look. [The pall bearers place a coffin down on the ground but cannot remove their hands as they are glued to the handles. -- Andy gives Conan a shaming look before walking away.] Don't look at me like that.
Britney Spears. This is what everyone is talking about today. Britney Spears performed a major comeback concert this morning on Good Morning America. And it was filmed at an exclusive in door location. Man, the crowd went crazy, take a look. [A clip plays where former Presidents of the United States applaud Britney Spears.] They had good seating there. Sitting in thrones.