Conan

Guests

Amy Adams

Roger Waters

Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeroes

Monologue Jokes

• Much to talk about. Time Magazine, they have named their person of the year. Did you hear about that? Well, I'm glad I'm here to tell you about. Time Magazine has named Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerburg the Person of the Year. Yeah. Zuckerburg said it was a tremendous honor and then asked, "What's a magazine?" No one under 30 knows what they're talking about.
• President Obama working hard to fix the economy. Today, President Obama met with CEOs from top companies to discuss creating more jobs for Americans. Met with all these CEOs. The CEOs told Obama, "We'll see what we can do." And they went home -- to China.
• This is weird. President Obama has appointed Jon Bon Jovi to a White House Council that works to solve community problems. Obama made the decision because it would be fun to say at least once, "Get Bon Jovi on it! Now!" [Conan mimes picking up a phone.] It's a special Bon Jovi phone. When it rings, it plays "Living on a Prayer."
• Yesterday, the Marine Corps. top General -- [Audience Member Oo-rahs.] Are you in the Marine Corps.? Does that mean yes? You just made a gun motion at me. Are you in the Marine Corps. or are you going to murder me now? You're in the Marine Corps. Okay. Well, you better be now. Are you in the Marine Corps.? "Yeah! No, the chess club." [Conan mimes pushing glasses up his nose.] You were in the Marine Corps.? Oh, yes, sir? That's the most respect anyone has given me in five years. Thank you. [Conan salutes the audience member.] I don't know the etiquette. I don't know when to stop. How long do we do this for?
• Yesterday, the Marine Corps. top General suggested that allowing gay soldiers on the battlefield would be a distraction. That's what he said. Yeah. "Especially those really hot ones. I'm trying to concentrate, and you see those tight buns running across the field!" Still my pal, over there? [The Marine audience member gives a thumbs up.] Still my friend.
• Good news for Iraq. Which doesn't happen often. The United Nations has voted to lift trade sanctions put on Iraq in 1990. They're lifting them now. Residents in Iraq are excited because they can't wait to get the new Boyz 2 Men Album. They're excited about it.
• Big sports news. Earlier this week, Pitcher Cliff Lee turned down $154 million contract with the Yankees in favor or a much smaller contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. Unfortunately, this left the Yankees with no choice but to buy the Phillies. [Conan mimes counting money, signaling a dump truck full of money, and then a credit card.] They have a credit card. And we'll take the Oakland A's.
• In a new End of the Year Poll. There are a lot of these. Have you seen this, Andy? Americans in an End of the Year Poll chose the word "Whatever" as the most annoying word of 2010. Whatever. Especially when it is given in response to the question. Doctor, will I ever walk again? Whatevs. That's probably your deal more than mine.
• This is weird. In a new interview that just came out, Michael Vick said that only a dog can help his rehabilitation. Yeah, after hearing this, dogs everywhere said, "We're good. Woof." [Conan mimes the dog straightening its tie, adjusting its glasses, and showing its paw.] That's my dog impression. No. We're good. Makes me nauseas.
• I got some celebrity dish. In a recent interview, David Hasselhoff said he is currently seeing 2 women. Yeah. Then his manager stepped in and said, "David, that's one woman. You're drunk." [Conan stumbles around drunk.]
• Japan, they're the ones that are releasing the most up to date robots. They released a video today of one of the most advanced robots ever. It's what everyone's talking about: this running robot. Check it out. [Conan shows a clip of Asimo running with a shuffling gate.] We were looking at this, and we thought that all they did was make a robot that looks like it's being sneaky. [The clip plays again with sneaky music.] He's cheating on his wife, the Toaster Oven. "Where've you been? Huh?" That's weird. From a different angle. It really just looks like it is in need of a toilet. [The clip plays again dubbed over with grunts of pain.] We got it. It didn't need to go on that long.

La Bamba Lowers His Butt in Honey and Sits on Some Money

 A Game of Holiday Giving.

 Sitting in Money.

 Sitting in Honey.

 Ass Scraping.

 The Hand-Off.