Conan

Guests

Matthew Perry

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

Jason Aldean

Monologue Jokes

The protesting and what's happening in the Middle East. Everyone's wondering what's going to happen to Momar Khadafy. I've been watching it for a long time now, and it looks like he may be unseated. That's what everyone is looking for. No one knows what's going to happen. He gave a very compelling speech today. Momar Khadafy, he said that people who are protesting against him are under the influence of Hallucination Pills. Yeah, that's what he called them. In a related story, Charlie Sheen boarded a plane for Libya. He's going there. He's flying. He's on his way. He doesn't know what's going on there. [As Kennedy:] "But he wants to be a part of it." I don't know why I got the Kennedys involved in this. I don't know why they're suddenly involved in this thing. "Charlie Sheen is going to go to Libya." [Andy: He needs to find a pharmacy.]
That's true. Momar Khadafy gave a speech today about the future of Libya. Experts tried to analyze the speech to see what Khadafy's intentions are. But that guy can be hard to read sometimes. He is some of his speech. [Khadafy gives a rambling speech greeting a graduating High School Class, borrowing a suit from Oprah, and pausing to make you think he died. He then makes up fake words: Shibber Shibber, Biet Biet, Zenga Zenga, Ferd Ferd.] Zenga zenga! I love those words. Those are great words. Best speech ever.
Speaking of protesting, a lot of protesting going on in our own country in Wisconsin. Are you following this? [Audience does not respond.] Well, I didn't think so. This is big. Tthis is a strange story today. People from all 50 states and 14 countries have donated pizza to the protesters in Wisconsin. Pizza! Yeah, apparently, somebody said, "How can we fix things in Wisconsin." And somebody else said, "I know! More Cheese! They need dairy! Right away."
Rahm Emanuel in the news. Rahm Emanuel expected to win today's mayoral election in Chicago. Of course, as is Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago. Didn't think that would work well, but I decided to do it anyway. I thought it was important to have a little quiet time. Think about how lucky all of us are. [Andy: Sometimes we just need a rest from all the shrieking with laughter.] Thank you, Andy. [Andy: Have to rest the facial muscles.]
Hey, Justin Bieber's in the news. Justin Bieber has gotten a haircut, and he has donated his famous bangs to charity. He got a haircut and he donated his bangs to charity. Yeah. Upon receiving the bangs, the people of Darfur said, "Thanks?" [Conan mimes blowing bangs off his eyes.] That's my former Bieber impression. Now it's shaved, and it's here. It's a Yarmulke.
Queen Elizabeth just posted an ad online for an assistant for the Buckingham Palace Restroom. That's true. Yeah, which is apparently where she started before she worked her way up through the system. It takes guts. A little quiet time again. That's good. [Andy: That's very good.] I can hear your heart beating. [Andy: Wait. That may be a problem.] I know. I think you're having a heart attack.
Hey! You'll like this one. [Audience laughs.] That's an old... Check this out. Remember that's code for the last one didn't work. Last week, in an effort to include gay people, Facebook added two new relationship status options called "In a Civil Union" and "In a Domestic Partnership." [Audience cheers.] Yeah. Then to make sure they didn't miss anyone, they added an option called "One Time in College." I've been there. [Andy: Who hasn't? I mean that's what college is for.] Nine times. Ninety-nine times! You don't even know what I'm talking about.
Spider-man Musical still getting a lot of attention. [Audience member woos.] They don't even care what the joke is. They just want to discuss it. Last week, the producers of Spider-man the Musical hired a second writer, and this week they hired a second director. If that doesn't work, next week they'll hire their first arsonist. [Conan mimes Spider-Man shooting webs.]
According to the Census Bureau, New York City's famous Little Italy is now home to zero Italians. Yeah. So by law, the neighborhood is now ready for an Olive Garden. [Conan mimes taking a bite of Olive Garden food and being mildly disappointed.] They don't buy advertising on the show, do they? Oh, they do. That's good. Mistake.
IBM is now saying Watson, the computer that appeared on Jeopardy! last week, may now be used for medical diagnoses. That's right. I don't know I want to go to the doctor and hear, "What is undescended testicle." That's not something that I would hear.
You know, I want to talk about something. I have a right here. I have a show. I should speak up. I think Conan has a show named Conan, and I should speak my mind. "I think Charlie Sheen should go to Libya and do the other thing." Recently, Denny's Restaurants brought back free Grand Slam breakfasts on your Birthday promotion. It's very simple. [Audience member woos.] This gentleman is familiar with the concept. He's built his life around it. If you can prove it is your birthday, Denny's will give you a Grand Slam for free. Well, this gave me an idea. Yesterday was Presidents Day, the day we celebrate some of greatest presidents' birthdays. So, I thought we would send my favorite president, Abraham Lincoln, to the Denny's here in Burbank, and that we would do this totally unannounced and see if he could get a free meal on his birthday. So, here's what happened.
[A man dressed as Lincoln enters a Denny's. He sits down and orders a grand slam. He presents a form of identification that shows he is Lincoln. He talks to people as if he is Lincoln, and poses for pictures. More Lincolns enter to the disgust of the original Lincoln. They glare at each other. He mocks one of the Lincolns for being short. The Lincolns eventually play a Claw Machine and leave with their free food. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Conan holds up a fake license from Illinois that has a portrait of Lincoln and both a Date of Birth and Date Observed. The signature reads, "Abe Lincoln."