|Hercules! The Cyclops ripped my dress!|
This movie.... well, it did one useful thing. It proved to me, beyond all doubt, that beautiful visuals alone are not enough to trump complete boredom. Honestly, you would think the sumptuous pseudo-Baroque eye candy in this flick would have been diverting enough for me to shut my brain and enjoy, but I have to admit.... I got bored.
Yes, even in a film where sullen fashion models sling slo-mo chains through each other's flesh while Mickey Roarke eats figs and scenery off of a marble floor, I was bored. I know exactly what Tarsem, the "Losing My Religion" video director, was going for: I just didn't feel it. Instead, I felt like I was watching a perfume commercial on acid. Or maybe a Christmas pageant staged by the Columbine kids. Even seeing it on a giant, relatively well-lit digital movie screen (the ONLY way to see it, by the way) didn't stir up my "Meh."
I am a fan of Greek mythology, and I can enjoy a good campy sword-and-sandal-fest as much as the next guy. And sure, I like colorful and inventive, even hallucinogenically crazy, visuals. But my Achilles heel (ha! get it?) is when shitty acting and dialogue combines with a made-up, semi-mythical story that borrows from much better movies and epics, yet never coalesces into anything more than a US KILL THEM BAD GUYS WITH MY BIG ARROW tale.
Sad, but true: this wannabe 300 fails to register even as a decent midnight movie. Look-wise, it tries to recreate classical art, but it ends up just looking cheesy. Extremely vivid and clear, but nonetheless... cheesy. Plot-wise, it doesn't even rise to the pulp delights of Clash of the Titans. I give it one star for crappy writing and one star for additional visual effort.
I will say this, though: it became marginally more entertaining when I plugged my ears, made up my own dialogue, and pretended it was a dubbed Bollywood version of a Turkish wrestling movie.
Trailer 3: Immortals
What can defeat the mighty Hyperion and his army of Titans? Nay, not the gods: only a killer six-pack.
Trailer 2: Immortals
The gods need a hero! And a good accountant. And probably a lawyer. And throw in a personal trainer while you're at it.
Tarsem Singh directs a very pretty looking Greek mythology movie starring Mickey Rourke and your new Superman, Henry Cavill.
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