I keep making jokes about what the next plotless boardgame/video game will be, and Hollywood keeps calling my bluff; to wit, The Hollywood Reporter is saying that Lorenzo di Bonaventura, the no doubt unlovable, horrible man who has managed to ruin such properties as Doom and G.I. Joe, has obtained the rights to none other than Space Invaders with the intent to turn it into a feature film.
Space Invaders, of course, tells the tale of young pilot Space Rodzinksi, who's kidnapped by the evil Nepulon empire of space insects, is tortured for years, but eventually escapes and returns to Earth...only to lead the aliens back to his home planet, which he and his tiny spaceship is suddenly forced to desperately defend. I'm lying, of course; the game is about blowing up collections of pixels that move erratically (but then, so is most modern alien movies). Will the actual plot being more retarded than what I just made up in 30 seconds? I give even odds on it.
Between this and the ongoing rumblings about an Angry Birds movie, as well as the prospect of upcoming films based on shit like Risk, Asteroids, and Battleship, it's tough to even joke about how much more reductive things are going to get before Hollywood decides to, you know, write compelling scripts and rely on good word-of-mouth to drive business instead of nostalgia and a big opening weekend driven by marketing. Tetris: The Movie cannot be that far off, to no doubt be followed by Minesweeper: A Sub-Saharan Romance and Freecell: Freedom Isn't Free. What unfilmable video game would you want to see on the silver screen?
