Hey, folks! Welcome back to The Month In Movies UK! For those not in the know, this is the feature where we run down the month’s upcoming releases and start plotting out which are worth your time and which really aren’t. The movies are selected based on the Film Distributors Association’s release schedule.
May, funnily enough, has movies coming out. A lot of movies. And quite a fair few of them look really good. And if, for some reason, none of these float your boat in the slightest, you can always go watch The Avengers again, just like everybody else. On the other hand, The Raid is finally out this month. Yeah, thought that’d get your attention. Get ready!
Note: This is not a list of films that I will be reviewing. It is not a complete list of films coming out this month. The opinions expressed within this list are based on information and trailers for the films coming out this month. I have not seen any of these films (and probably won’t see a lot of them). All release dates subject to change.
The Month In Movies UK: May 2012
American Reunion (2nd May)
Directors: Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg
Starring: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Sean William Scott
There are no jokes here. There are situations and lines that are assumed to be automatically funny but aren’t. Alyson Hannigan is way funnier in How I Met Your Mother (and way awesomer in Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but you didn’t need me to tell you that). And the trailer seems to take great pains to let me know that “Growing up sucks balls, amirite!?” Remember the first American Pie? The good one? Good times…
The Lucky One (2nd May)
Director: Scott Hicks
Starring: Zac Efron, Taylor Schilling, Blythe Danner
Nicholas Sparks novels. What is it about them that send women so crazy? They’re sappy, stupidly contrived and have plots that could be resolved by characters just talking to each other and telling the truth for 5 seconds. Also, their romances are based on just the creepiest f*cking premises. Of course, none of that matters because Zac Efron will get his shirt off and everything will be OK. For the women, anyway.
Beauty & The Beast 3D (4th May)
Directors: Gary Trousdale, Kirk Wise
Starring: Paige O’Hara, Robby Benson, Richard White
The Disney 3D-athon continues with one of their all-time best. It’s not opening as wide as The Lion King but it’s probably worth watching if you really don’t want to watch the next film…
Safe (4th May)
Director: Boaz Yakin
Starring: Jason Statham, Catherine Chan
Hey, you! Did you want to watch The Transporter but with a precocious child actor instead of a beautiful woman? Don’t want to watch Transporter 2 because you wanted it to be a precocious girl instead of a precocious boy? Then do I have the movie for you! To be fair, though, it’s Jason Statham so it’ll be mildly entertaining if nothing else. Plus, he’ll get his shirt off and everything will be OK. For everyone.
Silent House (4th May)
Directors: Chris Kentis, Laura Lau
Starring: Elizabeth Olsen, Adam Trese, Eric Sheffer
This “single take” remake of a “single take” Argentinian horror film is finally here and… meh. Hey! I know what we should do! Let’s all watch the new Prometheus trailer again! That looks aces! You have booked your tickets for the midnight screening of that, right?
Dark Shadows (11th May)
Director: Tim Burton
Starring: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Chloe Moretz
This does not look good, but I still want to see it. No, I don’t know why. I’m partially certain that it’s just my Chloe Moretz bias but I think it’s also my previous goodwill for Tim Burton coming back to bite me in the arse. Every so often, he makes one really good, unarguably great film. Every so often he makes a Big Fish, or a Corpse Bride, or a Sweeny Todd. Alice In Wonderland was absolutely awful, but I’m hoping that he’s still got at least one good film left in him. Because if this and Frankenweenie suck, I’m out for good.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation [Get The Gringo in the US] (11th May)
Director: Adrian Grunberg
Starring: Mel Gibson, Peter Stormare, Dean Norris
Hey, folks! Mel Gibson would like for you to forget that he’s a detestable sh*thead of a human being for an hour and a half and give him all of your money! Isn’t that nice? This action comedy looks like decent fluff with the only notable thing being that Hank from Breaking Bad is in it. It’s always nice to see him in things isn’t it?
Jeff Who Lives At Home (11th May)
Directors: Mark Duplass & Jay Duplass
Starring: Jason Segel, Ed Helms, Judy Greer
Do you like quirky indie comedies? Then this is right up your alley, but most everyone should check it out, anyway. Why? It’s by the directors of Cyrus, and Cyrus was brilliant. Quirky, but brilliant. Plus, Ed Helms isn’t playing a completely crazy guy here, so we should reward his decision to branch out and try new roles.
Piranha 3DD (11th May)
Director: John Gualger
Starring: Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, David Hasselhoff
Boobs, guys! Double the D’s, guys! David Hasselhoff, guys! Quick! Somebody shoot me!
The Dictator (16th May)
Director: Larry Charles
Starring: Sasha Baron Cohen, Anna Faris, Ben Kingsley
The first trailer, initially, did not make this look very funny. Then that post title bit happened (with the 100M race) and I decided to give the rest of the film a shot. Then the second trailer was really funny and I’m now completely sold. But, I’m the kind of guy who thinks that Ted looks hysterical, so you may wanna take my opinion with several hundred pinches of salt.
2 Days In New York (18th May)
Director: Julie Delpy
Starring: Julie Delpy, Chris Rock, Dylan Baker
The sequel to 2 Days In Paris, this French (but shot in English) indie comedy is, for some bizarre reason, getting a wide release. I also hope you really like going into movies without knowing a damn thing, because there’s only one trailer for this, it’s 45 seconds and it tells me precisely bugger all. I think it’s a “middle age woman talks about how sh*t her life is for 90 minutes” movie, but I can’t be sure. You be the judge.
The Raid (18th May)
Director: Gareth Edwards
Starring: Iko Uwais, Joe Taslim, Yayan Rhyian
It’s finally here. The Indonesian martial arts movie that has been slowly taking over the entire world is finally here. The best comparison I can come up for it is Die Hard (because it all takes place in one building) meets Crank (because it’s basically 90 minutes of wall to wall action). And it looks awesome! It’s also 18; which is good news for you, because you just know it will be bloody and violent as all hell, but bad for me, because I’m not 18. Rub in how you’ll be able to see this and I won’t in the comments. Just know that I hate you for life.
Iron Sky (23rd May)
Director: Timo Vuorensola
Starring: Julia Dietze, Christopher Kirby, Udo Kier
Nazis. Space Nazis. Space Nazis in the future. Space Nazis in the future on the moon. THIS’LL BE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!!
Men In Black 3 (25th May)
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Starring: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin
Well, this happened. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’ll probably be fun, but I’m just wondering why Men In Black is back all of a sudden. Why now of all times? Is Will Smith planning to re-launch his rapping career and needs a film to do it off of? Because, if so, I am totally down with that. What I am not down with, however, is Nicole Schirzinger... Shirsinger... Shirtslinger... Nicole from The Pussycat Dolls trying her hand at acting. Did she not see Rihanna in Battleship?!
Moonrise Kingdom (25th May)
Director: Wes Anderson
Starring: Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Bill Murray
The film that’s very likely to steal the thunder of quirky indie comedies from Jeff Who Lives At Home and The Other One; Wes Anderson, the King of Quirky Indie Comedies, is back with a new star studded quirky indie comedy about the chaos caused when two precocious children fall in love and run away from their backwards town to be together. It looks rather funny, the cast is superb (there’s also Jason Schwartzman, Tilda Swinton and Frances McDormund) and Wes rarely disappoints. It’s getting a wide release, allegedly, so go and give it a watch because you have no excuse otherwise.
What To Expect When You’re Expecting (25th May)
Director: Kirk Jones
Starring: Elizabeth Banks, Cameron Diaz, Anna Kendrick and many, many others
You know when I said earlier that you should take my opinions on what looks funny with several hundred pinches of salt? You may wanna disregard them entirely because I think this looks brilliant. Yes, I know that ensemble comedies with multiple storylines are rarely any good. Yes, I am aware that it’s a chick flick. Yes, I am aware that J-Lo and Will Schuester are in this. But I think this looks really funny and I love most of the cast so I’m gonna give it a shot with my gal pals! So...
I just re-read that last sentence. Somebody please genuinely shoot me.
Snow White & The Huntsman (30th May)
Director: Rupert Sanders
Starring: Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth
The Most Anticipated Movie Of The Summer Among Women (I wish I was joking) is finally here and... meeeeeeeehhhhh. Can we please stop with the “Modern Day Re-Imaginings Of Classic Fairytales” sub-genre that seems to be appearing out of nowhere? This is only the second movie in the burgeoning sub-genre and I’m already sick of it! As for the movie... meeeeeeeeehhhhh. I really don’t have an opinion on this other than, “I don’t like it”. That’s a bad sign.
Hey, I’ve got an idea, folks! Let’s rewatch the latest Prometheus trailer again! That looks aces and, co-incidentally, is out 2 days after this thing (1st of June)! So, if you really must watch 2 Charlize Theron movies this year, make them Young Adult and Prometheus. I’m fairly certain you can hang on 2 more days of not watching a movie with her in it.
And that’s May in movies! What are you most looking forward to seeing? Or does nothing here float your boat and you’re, instead, booking your midnight tickets to see Prometheus? Prometheus. Let me know in the comments below! For more recurring UK movie talk, why not follow me?
Callum Petch is like a fat guy in a t-shirt doing all the singing.