Men in Black Quotes (1997)

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Bug Place projectile weapon on the ground.
Edgar You can have my gun, when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.
Bug Your proposal is acceptable.
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Edgar I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it. It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck.
Edgar [Flying saucer destroys truck] Figures.
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Agent K Not bad for your second day of work, is it?
Agent J This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.
Agent K You should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968.
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Agent K This caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the great attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
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Agent J There's only one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.
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Zed You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.
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Agent K All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are approximately 1500 aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.
Agent J Cab drivers?
Agent K Not as many as you'd think.
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Agent J Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise 'round in a Ford P.O.S.
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Agent J Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.
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Beatrice You here to make fun of me too?
Agent K No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we're aware of. May we come in?
Beatrice Sure.
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Agent K You're under arrest for violating sections 4153 of the Tyco Treaty.
Agent J So hand over whatever galaxy you might be carrying and step away from your busted ass vehicle, and put your hands on your head!
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Agent K You remember "Casablanca", right?
Agent J Yeah.
Agent K Same thing, just no Nazis.
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Agent K So what do you think?
Agent J Whew! Very interesting. She got a whole "queen of the undead" thing going on...
Agent K What about the body?
Agent J Great body...
Agent K The DEAD body.
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Agent J All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
Agent K Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
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Agent K Set for pulsar level five, subsonic implosion factor two.
Agent J What?
Agent K Just shoot the damn thing on the count of three!
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Agent K Oh, the red button there kid, don't ever, ever touch the red button!
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Agent K We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Agent J Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Agent K There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
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Agent K People for the most part don’t have a clue. They don’t want one or need one neither. They’re happy. They think they have a good bead on things.
Agent J But why...why the big secret. People are smart; they can handle it.
Agent K A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you’ll know tomorrow.
  • In today's dollars
    Domestic $250,690,539
    Foreign +338,700,000
  • = total worldwide gross $589,390,539
  • - a reported budget of $90,000,000
  • = a 554.9% net profit of $499,390,539
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