Conan

Guests

Ken Jeong

Rebel Wilson

Yeasayer

Monologue Jokes

Conan in a Stupid Hat.
[Conan takes a hat from an audience member and wears it tilted on his head.] Hey, folks. We've got a real corker of a show tonight. Thank you, sir, for letting me make you give me this hat to wear on the air. Where's your wallet. Let me have your wallet. One of the great advantages of having your own show. You walk out and take things from the audience. They have to give you what you want. [Andy: So, in other words, watch your tops, ladies.] I didn't think of that. "Gee, can I have a bank loan, Mr. Bank Man, please. [Conan gives the hat back.] You should boil that by the way. You don't know where my head has been.
How you all doing? Everything good. [Conan takes a thread off his hand.] What the hell was that? Weird thread. You hear the good news. I'll tell you the good news. The Apocalypse did not happen this weekend. The bad news is we kind of thought that it would, so we don't have much of a show tonight. I was kind of planning a ten minute bit with the hat. Keep that hat handy, pal.
This is weird. A lot of people thought it was going to happen. The pastor that predicted that the Rapture was going to happen was just quoted as saying, "It's been a really rough weekend." Yeah, and to make things worse, his friends keep calling to say, "Hey, come on. It's not the end of the world."
That's always nice to start the show by saying that the Apocalypse didn't happen. You forget all your cares and worries when you're still here. [Andy: It works now, but if you say it any other day, it just seems weird.] Yeah, yeah. Right. [Andy: Somebody actually predicted it.] Yes, Andy, it is based off of a real news story. [Andy: That's what I'm saying.] Are you going to verify everything I say from now on? [Andy: Well, you could just start every show by saying, "Boy, I'm glad I didn't get murdered, right?"] Okay, I suppose you have a point. You're no fool.
I have to mention this. President Obama is traveling through Europe. Today he is in Ireland. While he's there, his Secret Service Code Name is "The Black Guy Who Is In Ireland." [Conan mimes talking into his wrist and adjusting an earpiece.]
Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the news. [Conan fakes Austrian gibberish.] I just make sounds when I impersonate him. They aren't even words for Arnold anymore. [Conan babbles.] Legal experts calculate that Arnold Schwarzenegger may have to pay Maria Shriver $100 Million in a divorce. Yeah, $100 Million. When reached for comment, Arnold said, "But I have families to support, come on!" [Conan babbles about having 9 families and eats a sausage.] And then he eats a sausage. Keep that hat ready! You know I'm closing with the hat. Hold onto it.
The United States government is reporting that nobody is getting the $25 Million reward for the killing of Osama bin Laden. [Audience boos.] The problem is nobody wants to be the one to break the news to SEAL Team Six. "Hey! Fellas! I just wanted to thank you once again. You've all got your iPad certificates. Your gift certificate to Bed, Bath and Beyond?" [Andy: Your coupon for spray tans?] I don't want to upset those guys.
It is being reported that Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich once has $500,000 debt with the jewelry store Tiffany's. In Newt's defense, he was buying jewelry for 9 women. [Audience mutters.] Let me explain what that was. That was me doing a joke, and you not liking it so much. Keep that hat ready, pal. That's the saver for if I get in trouble.
Newt Gingrich in Jewelry.
I'm going to continue with that premise even though you clearly don't like it. [Audience laughs.] Did you see this? Newt Gingrich was on Face the Nation yesterday to speak about his jewelry debt controversy. They say he spent $500,000 on jewelry. People are asking why. I don't think he handled it well. Take a look. [A clip plays from Face the Nation. Newt Gingrich wears gold chains, a crown, and a pimp chalice.] He's got a pimp chalice there. That's my favorite part.
Hey, Oprah Winfrey getting ready for the last show. [Some Audience members cheer, some stay silent.] No, you didn't know how to react. That's fair. Even though her show is ending this week, Oprah says that she still plans to stay active. She said she does not want to turn into one of those sad women that sits at home, watching daytime TV. [Audience claps. Conan bows.] Thank you, thank you.
Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty launched his presidential campaign today with a pledge to tell Americans the truth. Yeah. Which explains his slogan: "Tim Pawlenty for President. I'm Not Going to Win."
Huge story. This is a bombshell. Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels announced that he will not run for president in 2012. Yeah, Daniels reached the decision after early polling determined that even he did not know how Mitch Daniels was.
I have to mention this. A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other words, Utah is never getting a Major League Baseball team. [Conan mimes his hand moving towards his crotch and slapping it away.] I can't touch my own...
Researchers are now saying that atheists have better sex lives than people who believe in God. [Audience cheers.] However, they have no idea what to yell out during sex. [Conan fakes an orgasm.] Oh, Nothingness! Black Void! [Andy: Oh, the unknowable!] Now, people are seeing the faces we make. [Andy: Somebody ought to.]
I believe I mentioned this earlier. After 25 years on the air, Oprah Winfrey is going off the air with the final two episodes of her show. In typical Oprah fashion, she is going to go out big. Check out this promo that she has been running. [An advertisement for Oprah with ridiculous guests, feeding Nazis to sharks, and jumping the Grand Canyon in a rocket. "Your Heart will Crap Its Pants!"] That's the greatest slogan I have ever heard. "Your Heart will Crap Its Pants!"
Well, folks, I'm glad that we are going to have a great show. Don't you think, Andy? [Andy: I sure do, Conan. -- Andy lip syncs to someone singing in a deep voice about the show. Audience cheers. -- Conan starts lip syncing to a woman singing about how the show will be great. Andy joins him with his deep voice lip syncing. Audience cheers. Audience member tosses Conan the hat. Conan wears it.] We have an amazing show. Yes, I can sing that high.