A Lot of People Want to Make Bin Laden Killing Movies Now

Perhaps you have noticed the news from last night that American forces killed Osama Bin Laden. It's been on some websites and TV and stuff. No biggie if you missed it, because now Hollywood will be happy to tell some version of the story for you.

While there are no doubt many, many pitches being made this morning by desperate screenwriters looking to cash in on the assassination of one of history's most notorious monsters, most of the projects that have suddenly found life actually involve previous attempts to kill Bin Laden. Most noteworthy among them is The Hurt Locker director Kathryn Bigelow's indie project, aptly titled Kill Bin Laden. Bigelow has been shopping the project for a while, but with Bin Laden thought to be Afghanistan's answer to Keyser Soze and America more or less resigned to the fact that we'd never find the dude, finding financing proved difficult.

Now, Deadline reports that things have picked up on the Kill Bin Laden front, with indie darling producer Megan Ellison on board to fund the project. While the film will undoubtedly still focus on the men involved in that previous failed attempt, we're just going to go ahead and assume that Kill Bin Laden will actually end with someone killing Bin Laden. Or perhaps just karate fighting him.

Also in development is Jawbreaker, a movie that, sadly, is not about the '90s Bay Area punk band of the same name, but a non-fiction telling of another failed Bin Laden mission from back in 2001. And then there's the just-completed Corey Feldman "comedy" Operation Belvis Bash, which is about... well, why don't you just go ahead and read the synopsis for yourself.

Operation Belvis Bash is the story of a struggling rock and roll musician (Alexander Loy) who is recruited to go to Afghanistan and win the hearts and minds of the Afghani people. He is joined by the outrageous “Jewtastic” comedian, Samuel Stilman (Corey Feldman) as he embarks upon his futile quest. As danger surrounds Bash and his rag-tag team of entertainers at the hands of infamous terrorist, Abdul (The Iron Sheik), Bash finds himself upstaged by a musical theater heavyweight, Alfons Logoluso (Frank Stallone). As another night falls on Kabul, will rock and roll shine the beacon of freedom in a land ravaged by darkness?

You can also watch the trailer for Operation Belvis Bash here, which I highly recommend doing if you have a particularly strong sense of masochistic self-loathing. Despite boasting such big league talents as Feldman, Frank Stallone and The Iron Sheik--no, really--and a plot that almost kind of, sort of, just barely resembles something related to Osama Bin Laden, Operation Belvis Bash is not currently slated for a wide theatrical release. Perhaps that may change, now that Corey Feldman has taken great pains to draw extremely loose parallels between his film, and the events of May 1st.

“It’s absolutely unbelievable. I was in New York on September 11, 2001, with Michael Jackson, and then, nearly ten years later, I walk out of the premiere of my latest film, which I had postponed to be able to attend Corey Haim’s Decisions premiere and memorial, to learn that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by a special operation, just like in the film we’d just screened. The timing is simply unbelievable, and whether life imitates art, or art imitates life, now is a time for all Americans to express their gratitude to the brave men and women who serve our country and helped make this happen.”

Yes. That is a thing Corey Feldman actually said.

Of course, the big loser in all of this is Morgan Spurlock, whose documentary film Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? seems poised to drop precipitously in the DVD sales market, now that we, in fact, know where in the world Osama Bin Laden is. Of course, he could always go the James Cameron underwater documentary route, and undertake an undersea search for Bin Laden's semi-ceremoniously sunken corpse. Anyone got any suggestions for a catchy, irreverent title? I'm thinking something along the lines of Terrorist Corpses of the Abyss.