So with that fascination in mind, I decided to take on something of an experiment in horrible, horrible pain in this coming month of September and watch one terrible Netflix movie every single night, and then write about the experience. How did I decide what movies to watch? By using Netflix's own "suggested rating" system, which decides what kind of rating you'll probably give a movie. Anything between 1 and 1.9 stars I considered, but I also wanted to make sure some of the staples of suck were properly represented here. Asylum's myriad "mockbusters?" Check! Late-era Cuba Gooding Jr. and Tom Sizemore flicks? Check! Talking dogs doing karate? Check! Movies starring professional wrestlers, rappers, and in some cases, both? Check! Anything starring Michael Madsen? Check and mate!
With each writeup, I'll break down what the movie is all about, what makes it so trainwrecky, and where appropriate, try and include some pics and clips so you can see what kind of disaster I've just suffered through. Because seeing is believing, folks.
You may be asking yourself why I would subject myself to such tortures. Well, with summer at a close and people headed back to school, I figured you guys might need a little fall pick-me-up, and it seems like there's nothing our audience enjoys more than watching me suffer through the most miserable material I can find. So, thanks for that.
Anyway, to prepare you all for the masochistic journey of which I am about to embark upon, I thought I'd put together a calendar list so you can follow along and know what treasures await each and every one of us (but mostly me). Hit the link, read on, and please pray for my mortal soul.
Welcome to Sucktember
 | September 1st: Transmorphers Kicking things off with a terrible bang by checking out the ultimate weapon in "mockbuster" technology. Expect to see Asylum pop up on this list more than a few times. |
 | September 2nd: The Karate Dog This list would have been nothing without one prime example of the "talking animal saves the world" genre gone horribly awry. Getting Chevy Chase to voice a martial arts expert dog, Simon Rex to play a computer expert, and Jon Voight to play an evil, Southern-fried health food magnate? That sounds pretty awry to me! |
 | September 3rd: Wrong Side of Town Making good on the Screened.com promise of covering movies starring professional wrestlers whenever possible, this Judgment Night-looking action rip features not one, but TWO WWE "Superstars" in Bautista and Rob Van Dam...not to mention Academy Award Winners Ja Rule and Omarion. HOW CAN I LOSE? |
 | September 4th: Stan Helsing A horror movie parody flick that looks sub- Friedberg and Seltzer level, and inexplicably features the reanimated corpse of Leslie Nielsen. I wonder if the producers just told him he was filming Dracula: Dead and Loving It again... |
 | September 5th: Asylum Slutty college co-eds being stalked by the ghost of an insane asylum doctor who likes performing lobotomies on his teenage patients? How can this possibly be bad? Netflix claims I'll rate it around a 1.4. WE SHALL SEE! |
 | September 6th: Road of No Return Michael Madsen Mondays kicks off with this action thriller which features Madsen and David fucking Carradine as assassins who rescue an orphan girl from a bunch of anonymous bad guys. Madsen, Carradine, and a B-grade child actor? I sense gold in them thar hills, people! |
 | September 7th: Toxic Skies Oh, so THAT'S where Anne Heche went. Low-budget government paranoia thrillers about airplane trails that are poisoning the population! The Netflix reviews call it "thought provoking" and "excellent." Netflix says I'll rate it a 1.8. WHO IS LYING TO ME? |
 | September 8th: Way of War Cuba Gooding Jr.'s post-Oscar career is littered with streamable gems like this one, but the specific 1.0 projected rating for this movie was too irresistible to pass up. Hey, at least it's got J.K. Simmons too! |
 | September 9th: 18 Year Old Virgin Ah yes, another Asylum classic, this time in the comedy genre. Between the derivative title and American Pie-slathered box art, I'm expecting nothing but the highest quality here. |
 | September 10th: Havoc Anne Hathaway playing a spoiled rich girl that decides to go hang out with Latino gangstas and live "the street life?" Oh ye gods, this can only be gold, Jerry! Gold! Also, Bijou Phillips and Michael Biehn! SOLD! |
 | September 11th: Evil Remains Hey, remember Estella Warren? Me either, but apparently someone did when they cast her in this remarkably shitty sounding supernatural thriller about kids investigating a haunted Louisiana mansion. That box art is just...unreal. |
 | September 12th: An Angel Named Billy The Gay & Lesbian genre is littered with movies that Netflix seems absolutely convinced I will hate (hey, I've earned my rainbow stripes over the years, I can appreciate some quality LGBT entertainment), so I just picked the one with the box art that looked the most slathered in Vaseline and hilarious font use. WINNER. |
 | September 13th: Tooth and Nail Madsen Mondays returns with a movie that combines two of my favorite things in the whole wide world: Michael Madsen, and the post-apocalypse. This one also features a Carradine! Though it's Robert, sadly... |
 | September 14th: The Day the Earth Stopped Oh Asylum, your synopsis of this blatant sci-fi ripoff had me at " C. Thomas Howell directs and stars..." How do you beat that? You don't, not with a stick. Also featuring Judd Nelson...so that's great! |
 | September 15th: The Gene Generation I knew there was something this list was missing, and then it dawned on me: The supreme acting talents of Bai Ling. I would have been satisfied merely finding a movie that featured her presence, but she STARS in this insanely awful looking sci-fi thriller about DNA hacking or some shit. Also, what the hell is Faye Dunaway doing in this movie? |
 | September 16th: Naked Movie Oh good, a self-focused Hollywood machine mockumentary starring sitcom cast-offs and tabloid jagoffs that aims to "poke fun" at the process of getting a movie made. I bet this will be a thoughtful, well-produced look at the desperation many feel when trying to make it in Hollywood, and not at all a collection of fake boobs and fart jokes. Only Lou Diamond Phillips gives me any hope of surviving this. |
 | September 17th: The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day Considering I'm one of the few people on the planet who still has even remotely fond memories of the original Boondock Saints, color me surprised to see that Netflix expects me to rate this a 1.2. Ouch! I guess we'll see if Troy Duffy's coke-addled brain managed to choke out a halfway decent movie, or a total trainwreck soon enough! |
 | September 18th: Psychopathia Sexualis This list needed a bad erotic thriller, and nothing makes me giggle with potential horrible glee more than a really pretentious erotic thriller. Just listen to this description: "Writer-director Bret Wood brings to the screen titillating vignettes that portray the deviant sexual behaviors catalogued in Richard von Krafft-Ebing's infamous medical text that shocked Victorian sensibilities." I bet this is just going to bore the shit out of me. |
 | September 19th: Stoic I would have felt silly not having an Uwe Boll movie on here, but that I was able to find one that, shock of shocks, ISN'T based on a video game, is just too much a dream come true. Plus, Edward Furlong! He sucks! |
 | September 20th: The Last Drop This very special installment of Madsen Mondays marks our first WWII feature, and also our first appearance of Billy Zane. There were actually dozens of Billy Zane movies suggested to me for this, but sadly, only so many days in the month. The idea of a low-budget direct-to-video WWII action adventure is something I am legitimately excited to see. |
 | September 21st: Confessions of a Call Girl Another one of those "rich girl living the bad life" movies, but this one has an erotic twist: The wealthy lady lives a double life as a prostitute! The top Netflix user review describes this as "a porn movie without the sex," so that's incredibly distressing. But I do love me some Bokeem Woodbine! Oh, wait, no I don't. |
 | September 22nd: The Alphabet Killer A TV-produced bit of serial killer schlock with a bad movie fan's wet dream of a cast. Eliza Dushku, Cary Elwes, Timothy Hutton, Michael Ironside, Melissa Leo, Tom Noonan and Bill Moseley! Yes! This will be terrible! |
 | September 23rd: Cougar Club Oh good, cougars, that isn't a concept that has been mined to absolute fucking death. And they even got Carrie Fisher and Joe Mantegna for this one! And Faye Dunaway! Again! Someone needs to talk to that woman's agent. |
 | September 24th: S. Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale Ever since i saw that this movie existed (and reportedly was terrible) I've been looking for an excuse to watch it. Donnie Darko is one of those deeply flawed masterpieces that I love for no conceivable reason, and I hear this just takes everything that was good about the first, and removes it forcefully. Intrigue! |
 | September 25th: Ring Around the Rosie If you were wondering when we'd get around to addressing Tom Sizemore's crack-addicted career era, wonder no more. |
 | September 26th: Transmorphers: Fall of Man I couldn't bring myself to do Transmorphers and not hit up the well-timed/titled sequel. Plus I just HAVE to know what happened to all those memorable characters from the first one! Oh, wait, this is a prequel? With Bruce Boxleitner? Sigh... |
 | September 27th: Last Hour Madsen. DMX. 'Nuff said. |
 | September 28th: Princess of Mars An adaptation of the John Carter of Mars series of novels starring Antonio Sabato Jr. and Traci Lords? That has the tagline: "The classic story that inspired James Cameron's Avatar?" What god did I please?!? |
 | September 29th: American Psycho 2 Been DYING to see this since I first learned of its existence. I love the idea that the only way they could tie this to the first one is to have Mila Kunis' character be Patrick Bateman's only surviving victim. I also love that Bill fucking Shatner is in this. I feel like we're in for something special here. |
 | September 30th: Old Dogs As soon as I saw this was on Instant Streaming, I knew what my showstopper was. Will this be every bit the total shit show it's been made out to be? Or is it really a glorious family comedy in disguise? I think we know the answer to that question. |
So that's the list! Look for a new post each and every day, and please, I'm not kidding. PRAY FOR ME.
Alex, you poor, poor bastard. I pray that when the time comes, it will be swift and merciful.
Lol. Old Dogs. I just didn't have the willpower to see the end of that movie.
Ja Rule's on the cover but he's literally in the movie for like two minutes.
Oh Christ
Thank you for introducing me to the phrase "shit show," by the way.
I hope Whiskey Media will cover your therapy bills by the end of this cavalcade of shite you are about to embark on.