by Callum Petch (Screened: @jackanderson, Twitter: @CallumPetch)
Did you know that there was a new wide-release movie out this week? Because I didn’t. Of course, I have an excuse: I’m British. Everybody else in America came up with an equally understandable excuse, too: they just didn’t give a sh*t. So, the week’s only new wide release, Out Of The Furnace, kind of did pathetically; $5.2 million from 2,000 theatres for 3rd place. Instead, audiences collectively decided that they were sick of films where grizzled white men do grizzled white men things and instead chose to go see the films with women in the lead again because they were the good movies available this weekend. And despite a narrow loss last week, the natural order of things (namely: Disney will win everything forever because THEY ARE DISNEY) was restored as Frozen and Catching Fireswitched places at the top, with the former taking the spot from the latter in another close battle, the movie-equivalent of [INSERT CLOSELY FOUGHT MAJOR SPORTING EVENT HERE].
But you don’t want to know that. You want to know how well Inside Llewyn Davis, the new Coen Brothers movie, did. The answer, $405,411 from 4 screens. That is about on a par with every other Coen Brothers movie released when you compare the number of theatres the film opened on with how much they made, so don’t worry. The Coen Brothers will continue to make all the money. You know what is still yet to make all the money? Nelson Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom, which failed to prove the more cynical of human beings right by not actually earning more money than it did last weekend despite tragic recent events. But hey! Mandela’s passing isn’t totally in vain! He has biopic about him that came out on November 29th and has awards buzz! Because that’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the words “Nelson Mandela Has Died”.
In fact, quite frankly, it was a miserable weekend all round. Mandela passed on, the weather was sh*t, I saw OIdboy (which continues to perform abysmally), the Spike VGX’s (sidebar: what the frak does the ‘X’ stand for, anyway) happened... all this, in The Year of Luigi. Look at me! I’ve had to resort to an unfunny usage of an otherwise gold meme in order to fill time! Nothing happened at the Box Office over the weekend, so I’m kinda out of material, already. At least The Hobbit is back next week to have another crack at those box office records. That should provide some material.
Out of the frying pan, into the full list.
US Box Office Results: Friday 6th December 2013 – Sunday 8th December 2013
$31,616,230 / $134,253,666
Saw this over the weekend and, ever since that review was posted, my feelings towards the film (no pun intended, here) keep warming up. I need to see it again to be sure, but I don’t see that happening. I still have Captain Phillips, Blue Is The Warmest Colour, Anchorman 2, The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty, possibly 47 Ronin andWalking With Dinosaurs 3D and The Harry Hill Movie (because if I don’t see those last two films, nobody else will and the idiotic curiosity part of my brain is overriding common sense, at the moment). And those are just the films in cinemas! Needless to say, with everything else also going on in my life, this probably won’t get seen again until its Blu-Ray release at some point in the far-flung future. Shame.
|2. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire|
$26,185,886 / $335,850,842
You know what else is “catching fire”? (a crack squad of police officers burst in and arrest the author before he can make his awful and possibly offensive joke)
|3. Out of the Furnace|
$5,220,288 / NEW
The joke in the last one involved ST... (author is promptly tasered by police again)
|4. Thor: The Dark World|
$4,811,545 / $193,711,187
Not going to make the obvious joke. Not going to make the obvious joke.
|5. Delivery Man|
$3,742,544 / $24,767,326
WHY?! Why are you still here!? And, follow up question: HOW?! Seriously, just leave already!
No, not you, Reader! I was talking to this movie! I would never be so cruel to you! I’m sorry I hurt your feelings! No, really! I am! Look, come here, let’s hug it out...
$3,428,440 / $15,328,830
I’d still like to see Jason Statham try something that involves him doing something other than punch people really hard in the face, for once. You know, like in Snatch where he spent the entire film being the deadpan straight man to the insanity around him. Don’t get me wrong, I like it when he punches people in the face, he’s damn good at it, but variety is the spice of life, as my right arm keeps telling me.
Then again, I like to think that Jason Statham genuinely cannot comprehend roles that involve more than just punching people in the face. Like Principal Scudworth in Clone High, “What is this ‘touchy-feely’ bullcrap?”
|7. The Book Thief|
$2,625,623 / $12,000,678
Eeyup, still got nothing for this film. Moving on.
|8. The Best Man Holiday|
$2,609,890 / $67,175,505
With Black Nativity rightfully getting dropped like... something heavy and negative, that leaves The Best Man Holiday as our Token B... Oh, hey, ! What’s up? ... What do you mean “Step away from the keyboard”? ... ...oh, come on! It was going to be satirical! Satirical! (is once again carted away from the laptop)
$2,195,341 / $8,167,976
So, did we see Harvey Weinstein’s full page attack ad on New York Post film critic Kyle Smith in promotion of this movie in The New York Times over the weekend? And did we also see Kyle Smith’s response to said attack ad? Quite honestly, I’m not too sure who the bigger douchebag in this whole pissing contest is. Harvey’s marketing technique is a shameless piece of “F*CK YOU, CRITIC!” that shows how poorly he handles any criticism of his films. But Ryan’s response is a systematic destruction of the woman in question in the film (who is based on a real person and whose response to Smith’s review was used in said attack ad), instead of just lambasting Harvey’s blatant troll bait, which I feel crosses a line.
Nobody’s a winner in this argument, is what I’m saying. Least of all the film, which audiences skipped almost totally instead. Guess they did “Decide for [themselves]”.
|10. Dallas Buyers Club|
$1,505,669 / $12,453,993
Jared Leto, award-winning actor. Jared Leto, award-winning actor. Yeah, I still don’t think I’ve fully processed this turn of events yet. The guy from 30 Seconds To Mars... is now an award-winning actor. Nope, I refuse to believe it. Sorry. Maybe if the film got a UK release somewhere between now and the end of human existence, I’d be more receptive to the idea. Until then, I refuse to accept it.
Callum Petch told it to them but they don’t know where and they don’t know when. He goes by @jackanderson on Screened. Follow him on the Twitters (@CallumPetch) and read his weekly gaming column Petchulant over at GameSparked (site link)!