Dear People Who Go See Movies,
Hey guys. It's your old pal Alex. You know, that guy who goes and reviews movies to try and help guide you away from the miserable garbage that so often populates movie theaters these days? Yeah, I know, it's been a while since we last chatted. Mostly I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. The last time we talked, I think I was telling you what a great job you were doing by going to see really cool, interesting movies like The Grey and Chronicle, and letting more fetid cash-grabbing fare fall by the wayside. For the first time in a while, I felt like you and I had a real connection. Like there was something more meaningful to our relationship than just a guy who writes snarky things about movies and the person who reads said snark and makes comments about how unfunny that dude's snark is and muse to yourself that you could do a better job than that hack.
So it's with much puzzlement that I look at the box office report for this very weekend, and see all four releases, which included such dazzling excremental offerings as The Vow, Journey 2, and The Phantom Fucking Menace, was the biggest box office weekend in something like a year. All three of these movies, in addition to the thoroughly middling CIA thriller Safe House, made in upwards of $20 million, with The Vow actually taking the top spot with $41.7 million.
I just don't understand it. I really don't. I thought what we had was real. I thought that you finally understood me, and understood what our relationship really meant. Then you go and just piss all over it like this? With that man-whore Channing Tatum? With that filthy Michael Caine? With that goddamn backstabbing bitch George Lucas?!? He called me a racist when I didn't like Red Tails!!! Don't you remember how much that hurt me?!?
It's clear to me that it was all a lie. That you never had any intention of changing. The second I turn my back, you're out there suckling at the teat of Tatum. It's over between us. You'll find your shit out on the lawn and the locks changed. Don't ever call me again.
Oh, and those pictures we took? If I see those fucking things up on Gawker, I will actually murder you.
Love,
Alex
P.S. Stay away from my stepsister.
 | 1. The Vow $41.7 million / NEW |
 | 2. Safe House $39.3 million / NEW |
 | 3. Journey 2: The Mysterious Island $27.6 million / NEW |
 | 4. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace $23 million / NEW-ISH |
 | 5. Chronicle $12.3 million / $40.2 million |
 | 6. The Woman in Black $10.3 million / $35.5 million |
 | 7. The Grey $5.1 million / $42.8 million |
 | 8. Big Miracle $3.9 million / $13.2 million |
 | 9. The Descendants $3.5 million / $70.7 million |
 | 10. Underworld: Awakening $2.5 million / $58.9 million |
Dropped Out: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close; Man on a Ledge; Red Tails; One for the Money
Source: Box Office Mojo
This is just sad...real sad.
I ended up spending $75 to see the Phantom Menace- because me and my husband are determined to take our kiddo to see all of them in theaters (yes, even the ones that suck). It was $50 for tickest (week-end+XD+3D) plus $25 for popcorn and drinks. My son was enthralled, and me and my husband spent the whole time trying to *not* crack up because apparently we both remember all the lyrics to the Weird Al song. However, there were people in the theater whooping and cheering starting with the opening scroll to the final parade. Apparently some people *really* love this movie and I was stuck in a theater full of them.
Parents taking their kids is probably the majority of the Phantom Menace's weekend numbers.
On the bright side that was some excellent snark.
PS: What the fuck did you guys expect when it came to star wars in any form?
There's a third dimension to Jake Lloyd's acting? Bollocks.
I mean, I guess I'm happy that Star Wars didn't come out on top...but jesus.
There are people in their early twenties that were kids when The Phantom Menace was released. That audience more than anyone probably had a desire to see it in the theater again.
I said it before that Star Wars attached to anything will make money. Personally, I can't wait to see Ewoks: The Battle for Endor given the 3D treatment and re-issued on blu-ray. That's money you can take to the bank.
I'm kind of surprised about The Vow but I am happy to see Sam Neill and Jessica Lange in a hit again.
i swear it was as if the person who counted these numbers up hurled a dart and landed on "over 40" for the vow and said o shit what have i done. then he continued and it kept getting worse and worse to the point where he tried to kill himself in a car accident. but in an ironic twist he can't remember anything in the past 5 years so i guess that's ok.
P.S. Alex all those pix i have of you trying to look like ryan gosling i'm going to use to make a match.com account so i can get all the bitches. ALL THE BITCHES!!
Alex I am one of those people who saw Star Wars. I didn't like the 3D I did the Tested mod for the glasses, I just wanted to see Star Wars on the big screen again!!! Now I won't be seeing Ep 2 because fuck that movie but man pod race scene still awesome.
I hate the prequel Star Wars trilogy as much as everyone else, but I really kinda want to see it again in theaters. I was 11 when it first came out and sadly enough it kind of does hold a place in my childhood. At that age I was the perfect audience that Lucas was going for. I had all the toys, all those lightsaber pens from the cereal boxes, and I tried to collect all of the Pepsi cans. The movie was one of the last few before I was able to determine whether a movie was truly a great work, over just pure entertainment and fun. I haven't seen it at all since I was a kid, maybe once or twice on DVD. So part of me kind of wants to see it again, despite how bad I know it is now.
So I probably will end up seeing it sometime before it leaves theaters, BUT I will not be paying for it as I work at a theater right now and I can get in for free! Not a penny will go to Lucas for my viewing! As crappy as they were the prequels were pretty big events when they came out, so capturing a bit of that excitement of having a new Star Wars film is kinda cool. Clips here and there I've seen of it when working really are making me realize how awful it is, but at least it kinda has some neat action scenes. It will definitely be interesting to see the film as an adult and not have the naïvety of a child.
The Grey has only been showing at 10pm or later at my local cinema pretty much since release. I find this quite unfortunate.
I don't know what people are grumpy about. People see movies every weekend, every movie out right now is pretty bad. Would you prefer if the box office was like "A few thousand people saw The Grey and that's it."
I don't know why Alex thinks that there won't be another Underworld. The new one managed to outgross rise of the Lycans.
@FoxMulder said:
Oh no...
@sunalso said:
Alex is such a bitter husk of a human being! :)
Dude, c'mon. First off, you're no judge for movies like Journey 2 anyway. You see ANYTHING - literally anything, good or bad - targeted for kids and find it cloying. Even Hugo, whose first trailers were showing off a fantastic looking adventure filled with magic. You thumbed your nose up at it and only considered the movie legit when you found out it was about that old guy who made some terrible, yet groundbreaking, films at the turn of the century. What a snob you are.
Secondly, in the weekend before Valentine's Day, what the fuck did you expect? OF COURSE the romantic film would be no.1 by a wide margin. There are only a few weekends where the ladies dominate the box office, and this is one of them. Whether or not the current chick flick is good. That's just science. You'd do well to remember that next year, so you don't get hit with this cartoonish wave of depression.
Just be glad Underworld is almost off the list. And there's no true dogshit like Alvin & the Chipmunks here (most reviews for Journey 2 found it harmless and forgettable. Hardly the kind of thing that calls for humanity's end). Yet I am conflicted, because I still enjoy the snarkiness you bring to articles like this....
Oh, and Denzel is the black Clooney. Not the other way around.
Oh, you'll go out and see Ep I, but Ep II is where you draw the line? What gives? THEY ALL SUCK