Even for those of us that are not tremendously sick of Twilight, it's easy to look at the calender and await December 2012 with fevered anticipation. Why? Because that's the month after Breaking Dawn, Part II finally comes out, and we'll all be able to put this long, national nightmare of sparkly vampires behind us.
Unfortunately, we have until late 2013 before we can finally forget Twilight once and for all, if the latest crop of awards shows are any indication. Twilight: It's Kinda Dark Out, or whatever the last movie was called, saw winners for Movie Actor Sci-Fi/Fantasy (Taylor Lautner), Male Scene Stealer (Kellan Lutz), Female Scene Stealer (Ashley Greene) and, because one couldn't not have him up on stage, Robert Pattinson won Choice Vampire, which was actually a real category that people actually voted on.
Luckily, a series of far more competent films, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, both parts, wound up winning more awards, since the categories were somehow split up into summer and non-summer categories. So, the winner of Choice Movie Sci-Fi/Fantasy was Deathly Hallows, Part I, whereas the winner of Choice Summer Movie was Deathly Hallows, Part II. Which makes perfect sense if you live in the kind of world where you worry more about acne than actually making sense.
It's here that we can officially start talking about how these are the dumbest awards I've perhaps ever written about, if only because they seem to have gone backwards from the people that they wanted to invite and then invented categories in order to ensure that they could get as many celebrities to attend as possible. E.g. here are all the categories in which it was possible to be nominated as a male film actor: Movie Actor Action, Movie Villain, Summer Movie Star Male, Male Scene Stealer, Movie Actor Drama, Movie Hissy Fit, Choice Vampire, Choice Movie Liplock. That's seven different categories in which you might've seen your name pop up. God forbid we should have an awards show where the entire cast of a Harry Potter movie doesn't get nominated for something or other.
The panderiest awards, though, might have gone to Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, who both won acting awards in the "action" category for The Tourist, a terrible movie neither of them were very good in and which isn't really an action film, despite Fast Five actually winning the film category it was up against. These awards make the MLB All-Star fan balloting look like every baseball fan makes a measured and reasonable approach to their ballots instead of simply looking for people on their team and checking them off.
Here's a full list of winners, which I'm not going to bother to hyperlink!
- Choice Movie Action: "Fast Five"
- Choice Movie Actor Action: Johnny Depp, "The Tourist"
- Choice Movie Actress Action: Angelina Jolie, "The Tourist"
- Choice Movie Sci-Fi/Fantasy: "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1"
- Choice Movie Villain: Tom Felton, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1"
- Choice Movie Liplock: Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1"
- Choice Summer Movie: "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2"
- Choice Summer Movie Star Male: Daniel Radcliffe, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2"
- Choice Summer Movie Star Female: Emma Watson, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2"
- Choice Movie Actor Sci-Fi/Fantasy: Taylor Lautner, "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse"
- Choice Movie Male Scene Stealer: Kellan Lutz, "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse"
- Choice Movie Female Scene Stealer: Ashley Greene, "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse"
- Choice Movie Actor Drama: Robert Pattinson, "Water for Elephants"
- Choice Movie Actor Romantic Comedy: Ashton Kutcher, "No Strings Attached"
- Choice Movie Actress Romantic Comedy: Emma Stone, "Easy A"
- Choice Movie Actress Comedy: Cameron Diaz, "Bad Teacher"
- Choice Movie Hissy Fit: Ed Helms, "The Hangover Part II"
- Choice TV Show Drama: "Gossip Girl"
- Choice TV Actress Drama: Blake Lively, "Gossip Girl"
- Choice TV Show Fantasy/Sci-Fi: "The Vampire Diaries"
- Choice TV Actor Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Ian Somerhalder, "The Vampire Diaries"
- Choice TV Actress Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Nina Dobrev, "The Vampire Diaries"
- Choice TV Male Scene Stealer: Michael Trevino, "The Vampire Diaries"
- Choice TV Female Scene Stealer: Katerina Graham, "The Vampire Diaries"
- Choice TV Reality Show: "Jersey Shore"
- Choice TV Male Reality/Variety Star: Paul "Pauly D" Del Vecchio, "Jersey Shore"
- Choice TV Show Comedy: "Glee"
- Choice TV Actor Comedy: Cory Monteith, "Glee"
- Choice TV Breakout Star: Darren Criss, "Glee"
- Choice Summer Music Star Male: Bruno Mars
- Choice Summer Music Star Female: Katy Perry
- Choice Summer Song: "Skyscraper," Demi Lovato
- Choice Music Male Artist: Justin Bieber
- Choice Twit: Justin Bieber
- Choice TV Villain: Justin Bieber, "CSI"
- Choice Male Hottie: Justin Bieber
- Choice Female Hottie: Selena Gomez
- Choice TV Actress Comedy: Selena Gomez, "Wizards of Waverly Place"
- Choice Music Group: Selena Gomez and The Scene
- Choice Music Single: "Who Says," Selena Gomez and The Scene
- Choice Music Love Song: "Love You Like a Love Song," Selena Gomez
- Choice Comedian: Ellen DeGeneres
- Choice Vampire: Robert Pattinson
- Choice Web Star: Rebecca Black
- Ultimate Choice Award: Taylor Swift
- Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Female: Taylor Swift
- Choice Music Breakup Song: "Back to December," Taylor Swift
- Choice Music Female Country Artist: Taylor Swift
- Choice Music Country Single: "Mean," Taylor Swift
- Choice Music Female Artist: Taylor Swift
Yeesh, What a nightmare.
Teenagers sure are stupid.
That's a painful list! These awards are meaningless thankfully.
Well except for teenage girls.
"Choice Twit" is an awesome award. I think it means "tweet?" I'm not sure, but I like it.
Yay! (: I voted for most of the winners! so I'm happy. :D
We all know you voted for Emma Stone in the Choice Movie Actress Romantic Comedy category, Rorie. Don't try and deny it.
Why would you do this to yourself Rorie? You don't have to cover this story at all.
Love yourself more because everyone here loves you!
I love how HP7 Part 1 won some and Part 2 won others. Teens are so fickle.
Also, yeah fuck those awards. Justin Bieber as best TV villains? Wasn't he only on like one episode?
Also I love this website because I know the other members, and especially the other teenagers will be as annoyed by this as I am, and hopefully think of some insightful, witty, funny, things to say about it!
I would love to read about the internal politics and shameless deals made to make a show like this. I highly doubt this or MTV's award show is anything what it says it is so I wonder what's really going on.
As a teenager I apologize for the stupidity of my kind, now excuse me while I listen to Bruno Mars, and Taylor Swift and have a Twilight movie marathon
Okay, if I was going to guess, I bet that a large majority of the votes are female teenagers. Unless teen boys all of a sudden are into vamps. And by the way? Cameron Diaz for Bad Teacher? Were these kids even old enough to see that movie?
Oh man, I can't wait to not be a teenager any more!
lol
Wait, are these real? How come there's "Choice Music Female Country Artist" but no male? And for that matter, why is there a Country Music award but no other genres?
This whole award show seems like a farce! This is an outrage!