At the same time, the whole show sounds like it was one big Twilight wank-fest, peppered with a variety of batshit insane awards, including Ninja Assassin winning for something...no seriously, Ninja Assassin is now an award-winning film. Wrap your brain around that one.
Anyway, just in case you were curious what won, here's a quick rundown.
Best Fight: Ali Larter and Beyonce Knowles in Obsessed.
Ahem. Let me just casually remind everyone of my recent Instant Queue breakdown of this film, and the now award-winning catfight featured within it. If you want to watch two exceptionally hot ladies slap fight each other with half-broken editing and an extreme dearth of the hoped-for sexiness, then by all means, jump all over this one. This is the one time I kinda wish Avatar had won instead, just because the fight they nominated was the one where the drill sergeant dude in the mech suit pulled out the bowie knife the size of a fucking manatee. God, that was like the one really great part of that whole movie. Oh well.
Best Breakout Star: Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air
The second least-offensive award winning of the show. Anna Kendrick pretty much ruled in this movie, and though her Oscar nod was sort of premature and made sense only in the context of it being kind of a weak year for female supporting performances, I have no beef with her taking this over goddamn Logan Lerman in Percy effing Jackson.
Best Scared-as-S**t Performance: Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer's Body
Is it just me or are these category titles written by 13-year-olds who have to go to that special junior high class for the "problem students?" Anyway, I never saw Jennifer's Body, despite Netflixing it (I sent it back immediately). But considering she just beat Sharlto Copley in District 9 (dude was awesome in that movie) and Alison Lohman in Drag Me to Hell (same, she was excellent), this seems vaguely travesty-esque.
Biggest Badass Star: Rain in Ninja Assassin
Yep, category titles are definitely being written by mongo kids. Anyway, now we're giving awards to Korean pop stars in shitty action movies. I say this with a heavy heart, mind you. I wanted to like Ninja Assassin, but no. Just no.
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in Twilight: New Moon
Yeah, well, yeah...this was going to happen. and of course, these two mope-monsters hammed it up for the kids in the audience something fierce.
Best WTF Moment: Ken Jeong in The Hangover
No award speaks more to the enormity of the tragedy that is the current MTV generation than this one, both in title and execution. At the same time, naked Ken Jeong popping out of that trunk was reasonably funny. Plus, I guess they couldn't give the award to Zach Galifianakis getting blown by a 80 year old woman during the credits.
Best Villain: Tom Felton in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
I am not a big Harry Potter person. but I hear this kid is quite good doing his evil wizard kid thing. At the same time, he beat Christoph Waltz. Fuck. That.
Best Comedic Performance: Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
By far the least offensive win of the night. Totally deserved. Also, I love that he wasn't there to accept. Maybe he was just busy, but I'd like to think he spent the night at home in his underwear talking to his ferns.
Global Superstar: Robert Pattinson
Wait, how the hell is this an award? You get a trophy just for making 12-year-old-girls flip their shit every time you smirk at a camera? Also, THREE Twilight cast members were nominated here. I'm telling you, MTV is just making up categories to give more awards to Twilight.
I feel like this is more of an insult than an honor, but Sandy seemed to take it in stride. Plus, you know, there was that kiss...
Best Female Performance: Kristen Stewart in Twilight: New Moon
Best Male Performance: Robert Pattinson in Twilight: New Moon
Yeah, well, yeah...
Best Movie: What do you think? Of course Twilight won.
So yeah, that's four specific awards for Twilight (five, if you count that Global Superstar nonsense). Only surprise to me? Not a single win for Avatar. Note to James Cameron: Next time, abstinence parable. The kids love that shit.