Most of the time, bumming around through Google search will take you take a lot of stupid, pointless websites but, sometimes, it'll bring you to something you never knew you wanted. Such was the case when I found the Internet Movie Firearm Database, which is basically what IMDB would be like if it cataloged basically every single gun that's ever been in any movie--even the fictional ones. It got me thinking: when you finally make the leap into Imagination Land and you've got to lock and load, what made-up weapons would best benefit your arsenal if you want to properly get your assassination on?
5. Lightsabers from Star Wars
When I make these lists, I try to avoid the choices that are too obvious. Hence, I opted to omit the Auto-9, Smart Gun and all the various arms of the Lord of the Rings. However, there’s simply no denying the civilized elegance of this laser sword which immediately established the "holy saga" as something at once futuristic and mythological. Hell, it inspired a whole combat theater league. It probably ought to be #1 on this list since, by Lucas’ own description, it’s the offensive/defensive/do-everything equivalent of Superman and can likely thwart every other device here. But where would be the fun in that?
4. The Silver Sphere from Phantasm
Run this through your head, alright? This thing flies after you like a silver hornet, latches into your forehead with a pair of serrated knives, drills through your skull and then blasts a geyser of your blood and brain matter out its opposite end. Somehow, “macabre” doesn’t seem like an effective enough descriptor. And it goes to show, I actually first encountered this little widget through a “clever analog” that was offered in the multiplayer of same N64 FPS. I’ve long forgotten the game, but I’ll remember the ghoulish charm of using this particular method to make a foe show you what’s on his mind as you finish him off.
3. The Prawn Mecha Suit from District 9
This flick was famously put together after Neill Blomkamp’s plans to make a Halo movie fell through and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that the Prawns’ various firearms must've evolved out of his ideas for live-action Covenent weapons. I don’t recall Master Chief ever running into mecha suits, though, and maybe he should have, because this had to be one of the sickest things to see in motion. Sure, we’ve run into Power-Loaders and APUs before, but neither of them feel quite as nasty without this mean machine's head-exploding tasers. I don’t know if we’re ever going to see a live-action version of Gundam, Macross or any power-suited anime, but damn it if this isn’t better than the next closest thing.
2. The Sick Stick from Minority Report
Pre-Crime actually had a lot of cool, non-lethal weapons in their arsenal that had been devised after Spielberg and his screenwriters met with a “Think Tank” of the country’s leading futurists. The spider-bots and gravity guns were mighty impressive in their own right, but I find this weaponized nausea-inducer to be the most effective and demeaning. Outside of mace or a blunt-force trauma, this might the nastiest way to bring a perp down without killing him--it’s certainly the most revolting. The added bonus is that, by that Think Tank’s reckoning, it’s also quite scientifically possible. If this thing hits the streets in five or ten years, it might actually get some hooligans to think twice about flipping cars after a home team loss.
Or, if not, it’ll mean a lot of riot cops will get ralphed on a lot more often.
1. The ZF-1 from the Fifth Element
Sooner or later, we were going to see the design principle of the Swiss Army Knife applied to an assault weapon. Why carry machine guns, rocket launchers, flamethrowers, fire extinguishers and net cannons separately when you can squeeze them all into one stylish and portable package, right? For the added sense of ownership security, it’s even got a big, stupid button on it that'll ghost any moron who tries to steal it from you.