Tom's Top 6 Pirates Of The Screen

They can't all be Jack Sparrow. Although that might be for the best.

Hard to believe, there was a time when pirates were considered sure-fire box office poison. After decades of high-seas adventures with the likes of Captain Blood and the Seahawk, Cutthroat Island's disastrous release soundly sank scurvy dogs' saleability at the movies for years before the first Pirates of the Caribbean dug them up like so many treasure chests on the isle of Tortuga. Of course, even despite eight solid "off years," the cinematic confederacy of pirates still offers countless ship-fairing scoundrels for you to enlist if you're ever looking to set sail on a weekend viewing binge with this particular theme. Let's inspect some of the more notable ones with the same scrutiny we'd use on a counterfeit doubloon...

6. Steve the Pirate from Dodgeball: A True Underdog’s Story

"The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt."

Perhaps this dude's a one-joke character in a movie that's kind-of one-joke already, but who else freaked out a little when they realized this was the same guy who played Wash? Yeah, this is one of the things Alan Tudyk did while the Serenity was docked during those frustrating couple of years after Firefly’s cancellation. Either way, this flick’s sub-title purports it to be an underdog story and nothing quite says “skeleton crew” like a guy living out a fantasy that's seemingly been cobbled together from a bunch of pirate jokes he read on some popsicle sticks.

5. Sean Parker from the Social Network

"You ever walked into a guy's den and seen a picture of him standing next to 14 trout?"

Let’s not mince words - - this dude made piracy mainstream and accessible in the modern world. Who needs an eyepatch or a parrot when you all you need to be a pirate is a CD ripper and a high-speed connection? Disregarding all the creative license (which is allowed by the pirate’s code, anyway, is it not?) I do think there’s something appealingly-mythopoeic about Napster guiding Facebook into its place as even bigger deity in the internet pantheon. Napster's logo even looks like it'd be at home on a flag waving next to the old skull 'n bones.

4. Horatio Magellan Crunch (better known as Cap’n Crunch)

"Part of a complete breakfast."

Oh, but for the days when cereal companies could advertise directly to children and use these sweetened corn and oats (judged the most unhealthy option for breakfast, mind you) as an excuse to stage such lavish cartoon programming. You know, for a cereal that’s been consistently criticized for being so brittle that it scrapes the roof of your mouth, I don’t know why “the Soggies” wound up being this sugary seafarer’s enemies. I mean, let’s have a show of hands: who here in the Screened community shares my preference for cereal that's softer and more milk-soaked (in other words, soggy?)

3. Han Solo from Star Wars

"...Kessel Run in 12 parsecs."

If Captain Harlock’s the literal space pirate, then Solo’s the all-but-said-aloud space pirate. Think about it. He smuggles cargo and refugees. He’s always on the outskirts of the law. His only allegiance is to money (at the beginning, anyway.) He has an exotic pet (Chewie.) Does he need to say “Arrr” to convince anybody doubting the descriptor? Solo definitely goes through an arc of softening and humanization throughout the original trilogy, so I don’t know if the Han of Return of the Jedi would’ve still shot Greedo first. I guess you can’t stay a “scoundrel” for too long if you want to wind up with the girl?

2. The Dread Pirate Roberts from the Princess Bride

"As you wish."

If the guy had any more charm, you’d have to molt him down into a bracelet. Cary Elwes is the absolute definition of the swashbuckling romantic in this Zorro-esque persona he takes on from his many years spent in captivity on the seas. Out of all the spectacular origins in adventure fiction, they certainly don't get much more touching than the story of a simple servant who becomes some legendary adventurer after begging to be spared of death, for love, on a daily basis. Though, getting your girlfriend to believe you're your own murdered is one mean way to tease her. Of course, for all the ladies’ hearts he stops, Roberts is still ready enough to get his hand dirtys that you’d count him as one of the guys, any day. Hell, you’d probably even be cool with him stealing your gal.

1. Captain Hook from Hook

"Good form."

C’mon. Look at this gentleman. This is the quintessential pirate of any storytelling medium. While I’m as a big fan of Jason Isaacs as anybody, I still prefer Dustin Hoffman’s take on this caged lion. He’s the only actor I can think of who captures the “dandy with a mean streak” nature of the character without letting the affected politeness turn into caricature. Also, I’m only half-joking when I say this is one of Hoffman’s best performances. It’s the only one I can think of where he’s utterly disappeared into a character.

Also, seriously, it was either Hook or Long John Silver, and I'm really not a fan of the fish sticks at that other dude's restaurants.