Twilight is Best Movie at People's Choice Awards, Rorie's Suicide Imminent

If there's one thing we've learned about the awards show market over the years, it's this: Any award featuring the words People's, Kid's, MTV, or Spike Video Game Awards is probably going to be a complete shit show. Last night was the People's Choice Awards, so you can imagine where we're going from here.
 
The crowning award for this evening of pop culture voted excellence--the Palm de Whore, if you will--was the best movie category, which featured such excellent nominees as Toy Story 3 (yay!), Inception (totally!), Iron Man 2 (uh, sure!), Alice in Wonderland (wait, what?) and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Twi-baaaaarrrrrrf). The winner? Well, just look at that banner image, and you know the answer.
 
Deep down, this should come as a surprise to no one. Twilight has been cleaning up at these sorts of populist people-voting award shows for years now, so this was kind of a foregone conclusion. Less of a foregone conclusion, however, were some of the other award categories that caused me to shit myself out of rage and confusion. For instance, the Nightmare on Elm Street remake won best horror film (over better stuff like The Crazies and The Last Exorcism), Shit My Dad Says won best new TV comedy (over similarly terrible options) and Grown Ups won best movie comedy, because ffffffffffffffffffffff.
 
There are really only two possibilities to take away from all of this. Either society has lost its way with such spectacular abandon that no amount of good taste and intelligence could possibly right this ship, short of using a nuke or two, or the tastes of us critical types have fallen so far out of touch with the pulse of the mainstream audience that our five dollar words about ten dollar cinematheque will simply be lost whispers amid the screeching din of poop jokes and brooding vampiric assholes in Hot Topic gear. Since my easily-wounded and highly inflated critic's ego refuses to let me accept the very notion of the latter, I'll stick with the former and blame all of you. It's just so much easier that way.
 
Read on for the full list of movie-and-TV-and-web-video-related nominees and winners (we're not a music site, so skipping those), most of which aren't quite as rage-inducing as the ones mentioned above.
 
FAVORITE MOVIE
* The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Alice In Wonderland
Inception
Iron Man 2
Toy Story 3

FAVORITE MOVIE ACTOR
*Johnny Depp
Leonardo DiCaprio
Robert Downey Jr.
Robert Pattinson
Taylor Lautner

FAVORITE MOVIE ACTRESS
* Kristen Stewart
Angelina Jolie
Jennifer Aniston
Julia Roberts
Katherine Heigl

FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE
* Iron Man 2
Kick-Ass
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Robin Hood
Salt

FAVORITE ACTION STAR
* Jackie Chan
Angelina Jolie
Bradley Cooper
Jake Gyllenhaal
Robert Downey Jr.

FAVORITE DRAMA MOVIE
* The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Alice in Wonderland
Dear John
Inception
The Social Network

FAVORITE FAMILY MOVIE
* Toy Story 3
Despicable Me
How to Train Your Dragon
The Karate Kid
Shrek Forever After

FAVORITE COMEDY MOVIE
* Grown Ups
Date Night
Easy A
Sex and the City 2
Valentine's Day

FAVORITE COMEDIC STAR
* Adam Sandler
Drew Barrymore
Steve Carell
Tina Fey
Will Ferrell

FAVORITE ON SCREEN TEAM
* The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner
Date Night, Tina Fey & Steve Carell
Inception, Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Dileep Rao
Iron Man 2, Robert Downey Jr. & Don Cheadle
The Karate Kid, Jaden Smith & Jackie Chan

FAVORITE MOVIE STAR UNDER 25
* Zac Efron
Emma Watson
Kristen Stewart
Robert Pattinson
Vanessa Hudgens

FAVORITE HORROR MOVIE
* A Nightmare on Elm Street
The Crazies
The Last Exorcism
Let Me In
Resident Evil: Afterlife

FAVORITE TV DRAMA
* House
The Good Wife
Gossip Girl
Grey's Anatomy
The Vampire Diaries

FAVORITE TV DRAMA ACTOR
* Hugh Laurie
Chace Crawford
Ian Somerhalder
Patrick Dempsey
Taye Diggs

FAVORITE TV DRAMA ACTRESS
* Lisa Edelstein
Blake Lively
Julianna Margulies
Kate Walsh
Sandra Oh

FAVORITE TV COMEDY
* Glee
The Big Bang Theory
How I Met Your Mother
Modern Family
Two and a Half Men

FAVORITE TV COMEDY ACTOR
* Neil Patrick Harris
Alec Baldwin
Jim Parsons
Matthew Morrison
Steve Carell

FAVORITE TV COMEDY ACTRESS
* Jane Lynch
Alyson Hannigan
Courteney Cox
Eva Longoria Parker
Tina Fey

FAVORITE COMPETITION SHOW
* American Idol
America's Got Talent
Dancing With The Stars
Hell's Kitchen
So You Think You Can Dance

FAVORITE TV CRIME DRAMA
* Lie To Me
Bones
Criminal Minds
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
NCIS

FAVORITE TV CRIME FIGHTER
* Tim Roth, Lie to Me
Emily Deschanel, Bones
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Mark Harmon, NCIS
Simon Baker, The Mentalist

FAVORITE SCI-FI/FANTASY SHOW
* Fringe
Smallville
Supernatural
True Blood
The Vampire Diaries

 FAVORITE TALK SHOW HOST
* Conan O'Brien
Chelsea Handler
Ellen DeGeneres
George Lopez
Oprah Winfrey

FAVORITE TV OBSESSION
* Dexter
Burn Notice
Pretty Little Liars
True Blood
White Collar

FAVORITE TV GUILTY PLEASURE
* Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Jersey Shore
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Tosh.O

FAVORITE TV GUEST STAR
* Demi Lovato, Grey's Anatomy
Betty White, Community
Britney Spears, Glee
Carrie Underwood, How I Met Your Mother
Neil Patrick Harris, Glee

FAVORITE TV DOCTOR
* Gregory House, Hugh Laurie
Cristina Yang, Sandra Oh
Derek Shepherd, Patrick Dempsey
James Wilson, Robert Sean Leonard
Meredith Grey, Ellen Pompeo

FAVORITE TV FAMILY
* The Simpsons, The Simpsons
The Griffins, Family Guy
The Harpers, Two and a Half Men
The Pritchetts/Dunphys, Modern Family
The Scavos, Desperate Housewives

FAVORITE FAMILY TV MOVIE
* Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam
Beauty & the Briefcase
iCarly: iPsycho
Revenge of the Bridesmaids
Starstruck

FAVORITE TV CHEF
* Rachael Ray
Bobby Flay
Gordon Ramsay
Jamie Oliver
Paula Deen

FAVORITE NEW TV DRAMA
* Hawaii Five-O
Blue Bloods
Chase
The Defenders
Detroit 1-8-7
The Event
Hellcats
Law and Order: Los Angeles
Nikita

FAVORITE NEW TV COMEDY
* $#*! My Dad Says
Better With You
Mike & Molly
No Ordinary Family
Outsourced
Raising Hope
Running Wilde
  
FAVORITE VIRAL VIDEO STAR
* "Single Ladies" Devastation
Giant Double Rainbow
Greyson Chance "Paparazzi"
Madison Sq. Park Proposal
Tarp Surfing