Conan

Guests

50 Cent

Chris Elliot

Ray Lamontagne

Monologue Jokes

• [Conan points out a member of the Audience with a nice hat. The Audience member gives him the hat, and Conan does a jig.] I'm ready to sell newspapers at the turn of the century. Did you hear the news, everybody? The Titanic sank! [Conan hands the hat back to the audience member.] You probably might want to wash it. No, don't frame your hat. Boil it. And then bury it.
• So much to talk about. The demonstrations are getting much bigger right now in Cairo. Did you know that? Or are you still thinking about the hat I wore a second ago? "Put the hat on again! Shut up about the news!" It's a big story. Over 10,000 angry demonstrators gathered in downtown Cairo demanding that President Mubarak step down. 10,000 people. That's amazing. The Egyptian government tried to disperse the crowd with tear gas. When that didn't work, a Black Eyed Peas Half Time Show. [Conan mimes a Black Eyed Peas concert scaring away protesters.] Keep that hat handy in case I need it.
• Christina Aguilera is bouncing back from her Super Bowl appearance. She is singing this Sunday at the Grammys in a tribute to Aretha Franklin. She's going to sing. Yeah. Christina will be accompanied by an orchestra and a hundred teleprompters. "R-E-S-P-E-C-Something Something Something. Sock it to me."
• People on the Super Bowl are still talking about the Groupon ads. There was that one ad that made it look like Timothy Hutton was talking about the political troubles in Tibet, and then it turned into a Groupon ad for Tibetan food in Chicago. That made people angry. We've shown a couple of these. Now there's worse. Yeah. I can't believe we're the first people  to get a hold of them. These just came out today. Have a look. [A Groupon ad uses Saddam Hussein to sell bath goods from Crabtree & Evelyn. "You've Save Sa-Ddam Much Money!" --Audience Cheers.]
• This is kind of a weird story. It's been reported that Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez is dating a girl in high school. This is definitely not the guy you want to hear say, "I'm going to Disneyland. And I'm going to meet somebody."
• Speaking of Disneyland, did you hear about this? A California man is suing Disneyland because he was trapped in the It's a Small World ride for forty minutes. He was trapped on the ride for forty minutes. After hearing about it, the Chilean miners said, "We got off easy. That sounds hellish."
• Spider-Man Musical hasn't even come out yet, but early reviews of the Spider-Man Musical are out. The Los Angeles Times called it an artistic form of megalomania. Yeah. That's the last thing the critic wrote before he was killed by a falling Spider-Man. The hat. Keep it ready. If I signal, just throw it to me if I need it.
• Hey, did you hear this folks? Justin Bieber is in the news. [Audience divides into people cheering and booing.] You're booing the... who knows what you're booing anymore. It's not my concern. Last night was the premier of the Justin Bieber film Never Say Never in 3D. Audience members said the 3D was so good that it felt like his bangs were hanging over your face.  [Conan blows imaginary bangs out of his eyes. He signals for the hat to be thrown to him. The Audience member complies. Conan wears the hat and gives a thumbs up. He throws it back.]
• I couldn't believe this. In Texas. In Texas, officials want to take away a beauty pageant queen's crown because she's put on too much weight. [Audience boos.] They should have seen this coming because her talent in the competition was eating ham. [Conan swats at imaginary ham swinging from ropes.] They were hanging from ropes. [Conan angrily eats a dangling ham.]
• I love this story. According to a new survey, 83% of prostitutes have Facebook pages. 83%. You can tell it's a prostitutes page because they list their relationship status as "It's Simple."
• In England, a 90-year old woman is teaching Yoga.  Or we think she is. She's been in the downward dog position for two days. Don't touch her. She's...yes. Okay then.
• Hey, breast feeding activists! [Audience cheers.] I saw some ears prick up there. Breast feeding activists are planning to descend on Washington this Saturday for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington this Saturday, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." I don't know why I got sad at the end?
• A mother in Queens was shocked to find porn on a DVD of her children's cartoons. The store says it's her own fault for buying a DVD called Dora Goes Exploring.
• What's that? Incredible! Just pretend to say something. I'm pretending to get some news right now. What's that? There's another Groupon ad you say, Executive Producer Jeff Ross? Wow. Doesn't even move his mouth. Another Groupon ad? Let's take a look. [A Groupon ad uses the BP Oil Spill to sell "Oil You Can Eat" Blackened Shrimp dinner at a seafood buffet. "Thanks to Groupon, BP stands for Big Plates... of Savings! ... of Shrimp.... Groupon destroy the Gulf between You and Low Prices." -- Audience cheers.]
• What? What? Just do something where it looks like you're talking. What's that? Just use your hands a little bit. [Jeff Ross waves his arms around.] No, don't do that. You're trapped in a house fire? What? What the hell was that. [Andy: He could have tossed you a piece of paper. Here, Conan, look. -- Andy crumples up a page of his script and throws it at Conan.] That's how it's done! What's that, Andy, you have some news? [Andy runs over and hands Conan the remaining pages of his script. -- Andy: Now read this, quick! -- Conan takes the hat from the audience member and wears it.] Criminey! Check this out! There's another Groupon ad! [A Groupon ad sells patio furniture and asks how Groupon.com is still in business.]
• This is my new look at the top of the show. I'll come out leading a horse and wearing this hat every night. [In an Irish brogue:] "'Tis a fine show we have for you tonight. What's that? You want to hear about the news?" Then I take out a big pipe. "We have a good one today!"
• [Conan shows the latest clip of the Flaming C from Young Justice.]