Conan

Guests

Emma Roberts

Damon Wayans, Jr.

Scala & Kolacny Brothers

Monologue Jokes

That's very nice of you. It's always the shrieking at the end that disturbs me. That doesn't convey joy at the end. A lot of people are catching fire in different parts of the studio. Thank you very much for that. And fitting. I think that it's the best show we're ever going to do. Today or tomorrow. We have a fifty percent chance of this being the best show between today and tomorrow. [Andy: Tomorrow is probably going to stink.] It might be better. Whoa. Wrong thing to say to you people. Uh... Unless someone is here tomorrow. [Audience members applaud.] What the hell is going on? Who comes to this show twice? Wait until after this show is over. It would be weird if she just stands up and walks out. [Conan mimes the angry Audience member departing. -- Andy: I think that was just one of our security guards.] Oh, a security guard. They're paid to be here.
Well, I'm in a good mood because Donald Trump is still threatening to run for president. Other people plan to run for president. Donald threatens to run. That's what I like. "I'll do it!" In an interview for the Today Show today, Gary Busey said that Donald Trump would be an absolutely good president. Busey says that Donald Trump knows how to stand up to our enemies: Iran, North Korea, and Meat Loaf. The triumvirate of evil.
This is weird, NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does decide to run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So, some good may come of this. Let me repeat that. Some goodd may come of this.
Tonight, President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. When hearing this, Sarah Palin said, "A-ha! He is a Muslim!" [Conan mimes Sarah Palin wearing glasses and shooting a ducks. A duck dies and falls.] That's my Palin shooting a Duck.
Speaking of President Obama, President Obama, this week, is expected to speak at a Townhall Meeting hosted by Facebook. Yeah. In other words, just like everybody else in America, President Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working. [Conan mimes someone using the Internet and being paranoid someone is coming up behind him.]
They're celebrating Kim Jong-Il's birthday. Did you know that, Andy? [Andy: I did. I knew that. I sent him cards. Never got anything back.] You sent cards? Is there a Hallmark Card specifically for Kim Jong-Il? [Andy: Oh, no. I made my own out of construction paper and glitter.] Very nice. Very nice. Well, to celebrate the birth of Kim Jong-Il, North Korea hosted the biggest magic show ever. That's true. Yeah, things got out of control when a magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat, and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's popularity -- [Audience members applaud.] What are you doing? There's a guy up there making calzones. He puts it down. "I love Berlusconi!" Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's popularity has hit an all time low at 31%. Of course, Berlusconi is unaware of this as he ignores anything that is over 18. [Audience groans -- Conan acts indignant and scolds himself.] I like a little judgment from the crowd. Oh, ho. You little red headed rascal.
You all hear about Nicolas Cage, right? In New Orleans over the weekend. [Audience members shout no.] Well, it's all right. I'm here to tell you. "What happened? I didn't hear about it! I was not made aware!" Over the weekend in New Orleans, Nicolas Cage was arrested for being drunk and arguing loudly with his wife over whether a house they were in front of was theirs or not. [Audience cheers.] Folks, I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that it wasn't. [Conan mimes Nicolas Cage's drunken rampage.]
The online dating service Match.com says that it will begin screening its members against a sex offender registry. Yup. The site plans to be pervert free by July and out of business by August.
Remember all those people who got sick at the Playboy Mansion? [Andy: Do I ever? I'm still barely over it. -- Conan laughs.] That should be your answer to everything that I say. "Did I ever?" [Andy: Did I ever?] Los Angeles County health officials say that a bacteria that caused hundreds of illnesses at the Playboy Mansion was found in a hot tub. Yeah. Officials say it's always the first place you look. [Audience remains silent.] Wow. Okay. That's... It's something. Let me explain something. Now, a joke can sometimes get a lot or maybe sometimes very little. It is very rare to have a joke that creates silence. That creates silence where before there was no silence. It's like a sprayed a foam over all of you. That was incredible. [Andy: It's like when you're dreaming that you're falling and have that feeling in your stomach. That's what that was.] Thanks for backing me up. [Andy: Sure. I was saying that I felt it, too. I felt you feel it.] We can sell that joke to the government. If there's a mob that's unruly, shoot that joke out over the audience. Calm everybody. [Andy: He said, "It's always the first place you look." -- Conan mimes the angry crowd respond to the joke by falling asleep.]
You're going to love this one. In Portland, a mailman has been suspended for going number 2 behind someone's trash cans. Even worse, he referred to it as a drop shipment of a ground delivery. [Audience cheers loudly. -- Conan salutes and bows.] That's right. I'm a college graduate. [Andy: You won 'em back with that one, boss.] That's right. I won 'em back with poo-poo! It's the old show biz rule. The kid's on the ropes. I know what he's going to do now. "A mailman went number 2."
You probably heard this. GOP presidential possible Rick Santorum discarded his campaign slogan after he heard that it was similar to one coined by a gay man. So, he got rid of it. No word yet on why Rick Santorum chose the slogan: "Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises." [Audience cheers. -- Conan shrugs to Andy. Andy returns the shrug. -- Andy: I don't know. I like it just fine. I can relate.] I thought I was going to hear a "Do I ever?" [Andy: I missed my chance.] There's no such thing, Andy.
Hey, this is huge. ABC has cancelled the Soap Operas One Life to Live and All My Children. These shows have been around-- [Audience cheers.] Yeah, well, you're younger people. You wouldn't understand. But these shows have been around for a long time. The loss of these landmark television shows have left the Soap Opera community speechless. [A clip plays where Soap Opera actors exchange silent glances.]
[Andy: Wait, wait, wait! You forgot to mention this! Some of the people here know it. But the people of America need to know it! It's your birthday! -- Audience cheers. Conan acts bashful.] Yes, yes. Thank you very much. It's obvious that the friends are really excited about it. I didn't realize it was going to be such a big story in the news media. I had no idea. Yeah. This is actually how the news reporters handled it in Eugene, Oregon. [A clip from a local news broadcast plays where America Ferrera is introduced as turning 27. One anchor mentions that she voiced Astrid in How to Train Your Dragon. The other anchor says that she did not know this fact. The anchor mentions that Conan is turning 48 and hosts a show on TBS. The other anchor says that she did not know that either. -- Back on stage, Conan looks devestated.] Well, happy birthday to me! "I didn't know that. I didn't know that either." It's some kind of government stealth program we run here. [Andy: Well, forget Eugene. Right here and now. I want to give you a present. I didn't have much time, but I wanted to give you something on air.] You didn't need to get me anything. [Andy: I know. But I want to do this on the air, so we can have actual human interaction.] Fair enough. [Andy: So, I got you your very own bouncy castle.] Bouncy castle! That's incredible. [Curtains part to reveal a bouncy castle labeled: "Happy Birthday, Toby!" -- Andy hastily pulls down the banner. -- Andy: All right, Toby Kids. Get out of there. Mr. O'Brien is ready to use it now! Get out of there. -- The children exit the bouncy castle sadly.] This is great. Thank you, Andy. Sorry, Toby. This is incredible. Can I go in? [Andy: Go right ahead. -- Conan hops into the bouncy castle. He jumps up and down. The ejected kids look sad. The audience awws.] Come on in, Andy! [Andy joins Conan in the bouncy castle.] Let's get the band in here! Get in here, band! [The band hops into the bouncy castle. It is crowded as Conan tries to announce the night's guests.]