Conan

Monologue Jokes

• Today is the sixth night of Chanukah -- Not that I would know. O'Brien. [Nervous Laughter.] Tonight is the sixth night of the Jewish holiday Chanukah. That's right. Chanukah lasts eight nights or the length of a Kanye West press conference.
• Okay. What else is going on? We have a great show tonight. A fantastic show. Do you  even know what's going on on tonight's show? [Andy: Sure I do. I have it on a sheet. Right here. While you're setting up the jokes, I go. Oh.] I can hear you sometimes. Oh, Nicole Kidman. Big star.
• A lot going on. Big story. Today, Iran began holding high level talks about its nuclear program with six major world powers: the US, Russia, Britain, China, France, and Oprah. She has nukes now. And she gave them to her audience. [Conan mimes a cheering audience member. He mimes a nuclear missile launch. The mimed audience member looks worried.]
• The economy having a tough time, I read in the newspaper today. Still struggling. I think it's going to go on for a while. According to the New York Times, a number of states are trying to do anything they can do to get out of debt. Among the most desperate measures, Illinois, Arizona, and North Da-Coca-Cola. That's pretty drastic.
• Charles Manson back in the news. Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone under his matress. [Audience member whoops. Conan looks confused. Andy: Squeaky Frome in the audience.] They're everywhere. Yeah. They caught him with a cell phone under his mattress. In his defense, Manson said he was only using it to stab people.
• You know what cell plan he signed up for? Friends and Manson Family. [Conan laughs then looks disgusted. Andy laughs.] You like that tone for real? [Andy: I like that you said it in a way that said you didn't really like it. But you did say it.]
• According to a recent report that just came out, Borders Books may buy out Barnes and Noble. Yeah, but only so that they could use their bathroom.
• Speaking of books. I couldn't believe it. One of the newest crazes in book publishing: books about the Amish. People are writing novels about the Amish, and they're selling. Which explains the new number one New York Times bestseller: How Jebediah Got His Groove Back. [Conan mimes churning butter and stroking a long beard.]
• Developers in Kentucky plan on opening a Creationist Theme Park. When asked what the Creationist Theme Park would look like, the developers said, "It's still evolving." [Audience claps appreciatively.] I'm surprised that did so well. I was back stage and was like, "No, no. Well, I'll try it." These people are like, "Yay! By God, he's done it. He's finally broke through."
• Hey, sales figures for the last week and a half are back in. And the biggest winner on Black Friday, with all the stores competing, Costco saw a 9% increase in sales. That's right. So kids, I hope you're excited to rush downstairs Christmas morning and find a 12 pound barrel of olives. [Conan mimes opening the barrel of olives, eating a handful, and rubbing the oil on his body.] That was the oil. [Andy: The brine.] Oh, the brine. I'm sorry. "Oh, you mean brine, don't you." Well, you saved another one. [Andy: That's what I'm here for. Just to keep you off the Internet.] "Mr. O'Brien, you are incorrect. 'Tis brine not oil of the olive." That's my Andy Richter. Pretty accurate.
• In other retail news, I'll just mention this, in Florida, a man received a lifetime ban from Walmart because he was  caught masturbating inside the store. [Audience cheers.] It's true. A spokesman for Walmart is calling him their worst greeter ever. [Conan makes a perverted face.] I'm doing the face because I can't... I just revealed what I look like during-- [Makes face. Singing:] A horrible revelation.
• I didn't mention this, but I think the biggest story has been this WikiLeaks Scandal. You know these disclosures of all this sensitive information about world leaders everywhere. WikiLeaks has just fount thousands and thousands of terrible things about different leaders all over the place. You know what? I sympathize. A lot of confidential information has just been released about me. It's something called RickyLeaks. Take a look.

RickyLeaks Segment

• In the boy scouts, Conan got a merit badge for  the soggiest sleeping bag.
• Conan has written over a hundred and fifty love letters to Diane Sawyer.
• When Conan and his wife are [hand gesture, whistle], he makes her wear a Conan mask. Sometimes he says, "No, Conan wouldn't do it like that."
• I sat next to Conan on a plane, and he fell asleep and began drooling. And not a little bit. It was like a tinsel hanging off his chin. Then I noticed he wasn't even asleep. Just watching the little television with this clear syrup just oozing down. Disgusting.
• You should never wake Conan up when he's asleep because he spent a lot of time in Vietnam, and it can take him back there. And he will wake up and start dancing on a table and go, "For five dollar? For five dollar?"
• Conan loves practical jokes. I went into his dressing room once, obviously he knew I was coming because he was bent over with his pants down. I went Conan, "Why are you mooning me?" Conan said, "I'm not mooning you. I'm showing you my worm farm." That's where he keeps them. He sometimes tries coaxing them out with ham.