Conan

Monologue Jokes

• [Conan takes a hat from an audience member. He does a dance in the hat before returning it to the audience member. The audience member sniffs the hat before putting it back on his head.] Thank you very much. It sounds like there are a bunch of Vikings in the audience. [Andy: I don't want to alarm you, but he sniffed it before he put it back on.] Did you sniff it? Did you really? Why did you sniff it before you put it back on? [Audience Member: I don't know.] Here. Sniff the real thing. [Conan presents his hair to the audience member who smells his hair. Audience member fans himself with his hat.] I have the weirdest fans in the world. I love it.
• By the way, to start the show, Chanukah begins tonight. Tonight I can start saying Happy Chanukah to all my Jewish friends. And by that I mean my writing staff and La Bamba. [La Bamba gives a dazed grin.] What is that face? You're a 1918 silent film star. Look at him. Yeah, now I'm eating a donut.
• They're celebrating Chanukah everywhere. At the White House, President Obama is holding a ceremony for the first night of Chanukah. Yeah. In response, the Republicans said it's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim. No one saw that coming.
• You can't go anywhere without hearing about this WikiLeaks scandal. [Andy: Oh, yeah. It's all over the place. WikiLeaks?] This thing's crazy, and according to WikiLeaks documents, all these unflattering things are coming out about world leaders. According to the documents, U.S. officials believe that Afghanistan Leader Hamid Karzai is paranoid and weak. When reached for comment, Karzai said, "I was afraid of something like this, but I guess there's nothing I can do." You see he was both paranoid and weak. [To hat wearing audience member] Hang onto that hat. I may need it.
• Everyone trying to get a handle on spending. The government trying really hard to get a handle on it. The Federal Deficit Commission is proposing this: raising the retirement age to 69. Yeah, in other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years. That guy could kick my ass.
• TSA administrator John Pistole recently said that he would not, I repeat, not commit to use of the full body cavity search. Yeah, he says he prefers to use the term Rectal Piñata. [Conan mimes breaking open a piñata and picking a piece of candy off the ground. The audience growns.] What? Starburst. What? Should I not have acted that one out, Andy. [Andy: I liked it.] Yeah. Bam!
• George W. Bush is out there, you know he's president, former president, promoting his new book.  In a recent interview, former president George W. Bush says he's a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he calls it: his glowing, magic window. [Conan mimes being mesmerized by an iPad.]
• Good news for environmentalists, the Obama Adminstrationly. Wait, What did I say? [Andy: The Obama Administrashionally.] Yeah, I meant to say that. I got good news for you environmentalists out there. The Obama Administration recently set aside more than 180 million acres of land for polar bears. Isn't that nice. That's nice. When she heard about it, Sarah Palin said, "Todd, get my gun." [Audience groans.] Aww, it got sad at the end.
• This is weird. A senator from Oklahoma will not participate in his state's holiday parade until they put Christ in the event title. Until they do that, he won't participate. So everybody get ready for this year's Christ It's Cold Out Here.
• Two Oklahoma women were arrested for shoplifting over $2,000 worth of merchandise by hiding it... Why are you cheering that? Yay! Theft! My fans are thieves and hair fetishists. [Mimes someone sniffing hair.] What's your name, sir? I'm using you so much in the monologue. I need to know your name. Jesse. Cool to meet you. [Audience applauds.] We did not have time for that applause. I was trying to have a normal moment with Jesse and you turned it into a show business thing. Don't you happen when that happens to us, Jesse?
• Anyway, where was I? So, anyway, these Oklahoma women were arrested. [Audience laughs again.] It gets better. For shoplifting over $2,000 in merchandise by hiding it in their body fat. Yeah. The police recovered the goods by telling the women, "We can do this the easy way or the disgusting way." [Conan mimes lifting a fold of fat and merchandise falling out. Audience groans.] What? What? Oh, you're better than me suddenly, huh? I don't steal. [Andy: We have a lot of deaf viewers. You are merely doing a service for them.] I don't think you're helping, Andy.
• Playboy Magazine recently -- [Audience cheers.] Yay.  I got your attention now. WikiLeaks? Playboy! [Audience cheers.] Playboy has released a special hard drive that contains every issue of Playboy ever published. That's right. Now finally, a way we can get naked ladies on a computer. We did it! Yay!
• How many jokes am i doing tonight? Three more? Why? It's been going great. I'm really happy. But it's been going like [Conan mimes cue cards flipping.] Clunk. Clunk. I didn't have a beard when I came out here. Oh, come on. Let's do it why not?
• Hey, you hear this? I got a fun fact for you. Bingo was created on this day in 1929. Yeah. Coincidentally, everyone who plays Bingo was also created on this day.
• What? Do you have a filing system? [Conan takes the cue cards for the previous joke.] I just took a chance and I'm going to give this to Jesse. [Conan hands the cue cards over to the hat sniffing audience member.]
• Geez, another one. Hey, in a recent interview, Justin Bieber -- [Audience boos.] Don't boo Justin Bieber. He's like a 14 year old boy. What? He's 16. I said how old is he and this girl right here goes, "He's 16!" My point is he's a nice kid. I mean come on. That's my impression of Justin Bieber. [Conan drapes his fingers over his eyes like bangs and tries to blow them off his face.] Anywho. Incidentally, Justin Bieber, who shall not be booed in my  audience, said that despite having millions of dollars, he plans to go to college in a few years. That's nice. Bieber says he plans to study somewhere between men and women's studies. That's it. I'm stopping. I'm out of here.
• Did you see this? Susan Boyle was on The View. [Andy: Yeah. I saw it.] I'm not asking you to offer testimony in a case. [Andy: Yes, your honor, I did see that.] Well, Susan Boyle was on The View, and she had a little mishap. Well a lot of people found it awkward. Take a look. [Clip of Susan Boyle singing "O Holy Night." Halfway through, her voice gets deeper. She apologizes for the "bloody trainwreck."]
• [Conan checks watch] Well, of course it's December 1, and the second, you know what's interesting, the second that Thanksgiving is over Christmas ads start. And well, Coca-Cola just released their new Coke ad. It's very big budget. These guys have a lot of coin. And they went for it. I don't know if you've see it yet. But I don't think this ad is going to win any new customer. Here take a look at it. [A Coca-Cola ad plays where Santa Claus tilts  a cityscape snow globe. Clips from the film 2012 cut with Santa's tilting showing a city being destroyed by his play. "Shake Up the Happiness" plays.] What kind of slogan is that? [Andy: Well, it's true.]
• Anyway, let's talk about something near and dear to us on the show. Because we're a family here. We have a writer here on the show. Very talented guy. You've probably seen him before. We've featured him before. Deon Cole. And what I am going to tell you is an absolutely true story. Like all our staff members, Deon parks in the Warner Brothers Employee parking lot. You see it a lot. It's across the street. That's where you're supposed to park. Apparently, Deon's been parking in a spot marked B. Willis. And the spot as always empty, and it's not his spot. But it's closer to the ramp. So he parked there because he thought it was Bruce Willis' parking space. He thought Bruce Willis is never going to park here and walk over to the lot, so he's been parking there. It turns out it doesn't belong to Bruce Willis. It's another B. Willis. [Conan holds up a letter.] He's been parking there for a while. Deon as a consequence just got this letter saying that his parking privileges, once again this is true, have been suspended here at Warner Brothers until February 27. [Conan shows the letter to the camera.] Three months, they suspended his parking here for three months. There's nowhere else to park on this lot. He's got nowhere to go. He made a simple mistake. He tries to steal a famous actor's parking space. I would have done it, too. So, I feel for the guy. I took matters into my own hands. So, tonight, I'm going to let Deon park in the studio tonight for the show. Do we have Deon now? Is he coming in? Alan, let Deon in? [A Chevrolet drives onto the set. It pulls up to a marker labeled Deon Cole.  Deon Cole steps out of his car.] Deon, how are you? [Deon: Great, thanks, man. Thanks for letting me park here, man. I just can't believe they took my parking privileges until February. Warner Brothers could have warned a brother.] You can park here tonight. Take it easy. [Deon hands Andy his keys. Andy places the keys in a Valet lockbox.]