|Undoubtedly the worst film I’ve ever seen|
One of the worst things you can possibly see on a movie poster today is “A film by Uwe Boll.” The now infamous German schlockmeister became well known in film circles during the mid 2000’s for his relentlessly awful film adaptations of the video games House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne. While those films were serious and action-oriented adaptations, Boll’s 2007 film Postal represented his first foray into comedy. With a tagline like “Some comedies go too far…others start there”, what could possibly go wrong?
The film, like the video game series, follows a day in the life of a man simply known as Postal Dude, who lives in the town of Paradise, Arizona with his unfaithful and morbidly obese wife. Nothing ever seems to work out for Postal Dude though, and soon a terrible job interview and a simple trip to the welfare office lands him in the middle of a shootout and other such wacky antics. The film doesn’t attempt a plot for the first half so much as it tries to loosely string together various gags. Eventually, the film attempts to consolidate the unrelated threads of Postal Dude and his exploitative cult leader uncle, Uncle Dave, and an Al Qaeda terrorist plot via a heist of a shipment of the wildly popular Krotchy dolls (two guesses as to what they are shaped like).
By far the worst part of this film is what seems to pass for humor in the mind of Boll. The film opens with not one, but two 9/11 jokes. If that doesn’t cause you to douse the DVD in gasoline, set it ablaze, and linger to unceremoniously piss on the ashes, don’t worry, because the humor somehow manages to get even worse throughout the runtime of the film. Uwe Boll himself actually makes a cameo appearance in the middle of the film as the proprietor of the German-themed shopping center Little Germany (I’ll bet you fifty Reichsmarks you know where that joke will end up!) to declare in front of a large audience that his films are funded with Nazi gold and children make him horny. Boll then proceeds to pay voice of the Krotchy doll Verne Troyer (since token series little person Gary Coleman had the wisdom to pass this one up) his appearance fee in the gold teeth of Holocaust victims. I’ll let that one sink in a bit.
When the film isn’t being actively offensive with its humor, it aims for the lowest and laziest jokes it can find. With such gems as: George W. Bush is kind of a moron, Cops exploiting paralyzed homeless people, the reluctance of terrorists to do suicide missions, Asians can’t drive, Christians are mindless sheep, and the infamous rolling the obese wife in flour to find the wet spot (I get it Boll, we’ve all seen The Last Boy Scout).
None of the cast is spared any humiliation in this film either. Star Zack Ward is perhaps the least affected, having to only dry hump a man in a powerchair whilst trying to climb a fence. Baffling cameo player J.K. Simmons is blown up by a suicide bomber, Verne Troyer is raped by monkeys, and even David Huddleston, a man who once acted opposite John Wayne, is reduced in his elderly state to talking about what a “good fuck” Postal Dude’s fat wife is. But the most heartbreaking exploitation in the film has to be that of former Kid in the Hall Dave Foley. Foley is subjected to (literal) toilet humor, full frontal nudity, and gay jokes.
If I haven’t made it abundantly clear, Postal is a dire, unfunny, and frequently offensive waste of time. It’s not even ironically enjoyable. Unless you are someone with an extreme fetish for 9/11 humor or gratuitous middle-school-like uses of the word “fuck”, avoid this film at all costs. If you don’t, Uwe Boll wins, and I will not live in a world where Uwe Boll wins.
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