Again, real sorry this was late, guys! Have to tell you why some time!
So, you were probably too busy playing Skyrim over the past weekend to realise that in the realm of cinema releases sh*t got real. There was a fierce battle going on between Immortals and Arthur Christmas for number 1. One; an action movie with blood, guts and (I presume) t*ts. The other; a family movie with Christmas, love and Aardman Animations. One cute and adorable and lovable and snuggable. The other the equivalent of a Slipknot fan. One skips in daisy fields and pets adorable bunnies. The other kills babies and molests old women.
In the end… Immortals won. By £54,000. £54,000. So, in summary, FUCK ALL Y’ALL!!
Meanwhile, let’s talk The Rum Diary. No, it was never going to do well. Yes, sixth place and £600,000 is not particularly brilliant by any means. But I think we’re missing the real story here. People actually chose to see a movie based on a Hunter S. Thompson work at all. We, folks, are truly living in an age of progress! The kind of progress where a gay relationship drama can be released and people don’t scream how it will “END YOUR CHILD’S INNOCENCE!” Weekend opened up on 8 more screens last weekend and had a 16% increase in money earnings. At the rate we’re going, expect it to be the Indie hit of the year. If you’re into that sort of thing.
Elsewhere, Nicholas Cage’s string of complete and utter bombs appears to have been broken. Sure, Trespass came in twelfth. However, from 91 screens it earned £247,957 with a per screen average of £2,725. So, I’d call that a small success for a movie that looks about as interesting as an old man streaker at a football game. opened on 81 screens and made £156,931. And the comically late The Awakening (newsflash: October was two weeks ago!) made £271,000 on 139 screens.
So, next week expect minimal changes to this chart. Why? Well, cause Twilight scared everyone away except another new Nicholas Cage movie and something called “Snowtown”. Without even doing any research, I can guarantee you it’ll have nothing to do with snow in a town. In fact, hold on, let me go check…
(TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.)
Yep! Right as always!
Stalling for time complete. Initialising full list.
£2,166,432 / NEW
Look, I don’t think Immortals looks as bad as I’m making it out to be. It actually looks alright. It’s just that Aardman released a new movie this week and I wanted it to be number 1 because it’s Aardman. And with Twilight approaching fast on the horizon, it’s now never gonna get to number 1. I just… gorram it, British public!
|2. Arthur Christmas|
£2,112,516 / NEW
I take it you’ve all seen the trailer for The Pirates! Band Of Misfits by now, right? If not, here’s the Screened link. Now, can we all please remember to actually go and watch that one? Pretty please?
|3. The Adventures of Tintin|
£1,540,539 / £12,706,352
AssInAss made the bold declaration that TinTin features better set pieces than Uncharted 3, last week. Anybody want to shout his opinion down as wrong and call him a f*g whilst we’re at it? This is The Internet after all! How dare you have an opinion that goes against what The Internet believes! How very dare you!
|4. In Time|
£915,584 / £3,600,963
Justin; could I ask a really big favour of you? Could you maybe head back and record some music again? You are a really damn good actor and all (anybody who believes otherwise is either in complete denial or only saw him in Shrek The Third); but pop music needs you back, man! Can you at least give us at least one hit on par with Rock Your Body, Senorita and Sexyback to tide us over for a bit? I’m sick of Maroon 5, Jessie J, Rihanna and Katy Perry being classed as the best we can deal with nowadays! They’re all sh*t!
|5. Tower Heist|
£825,783 / £2,945,046
So people don’t like seizure jokes. Who knew?
|6. The Rum Diary|
£608,055 / NEW
This is only a failure if you honestly deluded yourself into thinking this was going to make several million and that everyone would love it. So, Box Office Analysts calm the hell down and realise that this is actually not too bad an opening for a film like this, mmmkay?
|7. Johnny English Reborn|
£506,200 / £19,762,186
Yep. Still here alright.
|8. The Help|
£378,521 / £3,044,252
White Guilt is being shoved out of Scunthorpe cinemas this week. Clearly we Brits don’t give a sh*t. Good! Maybe we can, at some point, quite possibly get a movie with a black person in the lead role with the film being about him and only him and not, repeat, not be about racism? And, whilst I have the chance to slide this in, To Kill A Mockingbird is also, technically, about a kind white family helping a black man stand up to racism. It’s just as pandering as The Blind Side and The Help. Stop holding it in such high esteem!
|9. Paranormal Activity 3|
£339,245 / £10,392,440
Don’t look at me like that! If I didn’t make that joke at some stage whilst this movie was out, a kitten would have been murdered! Do you hate kittens? Do you?! You judgemental monster!
|10. The Ides of March|
£284,076 / £2,226,381
I’m still saddened by the complete financial and release failure of this movie despite its constant attempts to hang on. Just… gorram it all! Gorram it all to hell!
jackanderson walked on ice, it never fell.