jackanderson (Level 26)

Sometimes, stiffs in suits do not make a very good job of handing out awards.   Take last year’s Oscars.   Who on earth thought that The Hurt Locker was a better film than District 9 or Up?   Why did In The Loop not win best adapted screenplay?   STOP GIVING AVATAR ANY AWARDS AT ALL!

But, then again, the public aren’t really the best judge of character either.   For example, year’s National Television Awards.   Is Gavin & Stacey really a better comedy than The Inbetweeners or even Benidorm, for that matter?   Why is an award category called Best Factual Programme dominated by non-factual shows and won by Loose Women?   BEST NEWCOMER SHOULD NOT JUST INVOLVE SOAP STARS!

With that in mind, the 2011 People’s Choice Awards took place a short while back and the results are… less than impressive.   But this time we have the public to thank for them.   So let’s run down the winners and nominees in the movie categories and discredit all of their opinions, shall we?

Note: When I say “you” I refer to the people who voted.   Not any of you wonderful folk with taste.

Favourite Movie

Now an award winning movie(!)

Twilight: Eclipse.   It went to Twilight: Eclipse.   It went to Twilight over Inception.   It went to Twilight over Toy Story 3.   Nothing else really needs to be said, does it?   If that doesn’t fill you with uncontrollable rage, please forcibly extract yourself from the gene pool immediately.   Minus 4,000,000,000 points to the public!

Favourite Action Movie

In a category of two really strong nominees, one really average nominee and two inexcusably shit nominees (guess which is which!); Iron Man 2 eventually came out on top.   Very good choice as evidenced by the fact that it’s listed on my 2010 films of the year.   However, Kick-Ass was also nominated.   And if my Top 10 list is correct (and it always is), Kick-Ass is the better movie and the more deserving winner.   Nevertheless, things are only gonna get worse, aren’t they?   So I’m going to let this slide.   Plus 25 points to the public!

Favourite Comedy Movie

One decent nominee, one good looking nominee (I sadly missed out on Easy A on account of it not being shown in the majority of our cinemas) and then a barrel of shite.   Out of Date Night, Easy A, Sex and The City 2 and Valentine’s Day; the award for “Favourite Comedy Movie” went to Grown Ups.   ...   ...   ...   ...   Sigh.   Minus 600 points to the public!

Favourite Drama Movie

Stop!   Cease and desist!   Enough!   You have two of the best films of 2010 on your list, begging to be given awards, and what do you do?   You have to go and give it to Twilight, don’t you?   Don’t you?   DON’T YOU?   You cruel, tasteless, moronic bastards!   Minus another 4,000,000,000 points to the public!

Favourite Family Movie

This award quite rightly went to Toy Story 3, but don’t think that this excuses you for not giving it Favourite Movie!   Because it doesn’t!   Plus 3,000 points to the public, regardless!

Favourite Horror Movie

I have made it abundantly clear during my time talking about movies that I don’t care for horror movies.   This is due to the fact that being scared is one of the many things in life I hate happening to me (and, yes, I am perfectly aware that I’m going to see Black Swan, but that’s a “psychological thriller”.   So there!).   With that being said, someone explain to me how the Nightmare On Elm Street remake deserved to win over Let Me In, the far better looking and far scarier looking film?   Maybe it’s just my Chloe Moretz bias kicking in, but nothing excuses this.   Minus 3,900 points to the public!

Also an award winning movie(!)

Favourite Movie Actor

Two nominees for Twilight here.   Neither won.   I’m tempted to give the public points based soley on that.   But then it turns out Johnny Depp won for his turns in two of the most boring and soul-destroying films of last year and I’m reminded how much I hate people again. With that being said, TWILIGHT DIDN’T WIN ANYTHING and I like to take the little victories when I can.   So I’ll be kind and award minus 20 points to the public!

Favourite Movie Actress

An award given to Kristen Stewart for the actually pretty good The Runaways and the actually really shit Twilight.   Proof, if any were needed, that hormonal teenage boys vote with their wangs and not with their brains.   On the other hand, The Runaways was actually pretty good.   Plus/Minus 0 points to the public!

Favourite Action Star

You know, whilst The Karate Kid was extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely boring and extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemly unnecessary, the eventual winner deserves some praise for being Jackie Chan.   What’s that?   He was also nominated for The Spy Next Door?   Minus 30 points to the public!   The Spy Next Door sucked!

Favourite Comedic Star

I would like to remind you that this is an actual award ceremony of actual worth.   Instead of actual talent winning (namely, Steve Carell, Tina Fey and Will Ferrell) this went to Adam Sandler for Grown Ups.   I refuse to give him the satisfaction by making fun of it.   Minus 6,000 points to the public!

Favourite On-Screen Team

Once again, this is an actual award ceremony of actual worth.   You may think that it went to Inception or Date Night or Iron Man 2 or even The Karate Kid for having actors and actresses with actual acting ability.   You may have forgotten that Twilight came out last year.   You draw your own conclusions.   Minus 1,000,000 points to the public!

Favourite Movie Star Under 25

Again, actual awards.   Actual worth.   In what is effectively a “who do teenage girls find the hottest?” award, it went to Zac Efron for, and I quote, “Disney Channel Star”.   They've obviously forgot that The Death And Life Of Charlie St. Cloud came out last year.   I don't blame them.   I'd be worried if I knew Rorie right now.   Emma Stone wasn't nominated and he's gonna be pissed!   The score counter fails to recognise this as an actual award!

Conclusion

So then, the final score is...   Oh...   It turns out we didn't put enough digits on the counter and it self destructed under the weight of the negatives.   But I like to think that we've learnt something from this little exercise in spoil sporting.   We've learnt that the public are morons who wouldn't know quality if it hit them in the face.   We've learnt that your movie is guaranteed awards if it has an actor who is allergic to shirts.   And we've learnt that the People's Choice Awards are a pile of shite.

But I have an idea to ensure that films like Twilight and Grown Ups can never be considered Award Winning films and so that people don't have to be subjected to it ever again.   Hold the awards, but do them in secret.   Never reveal the winners, only the nominees.    Then we can draw our own conclusions and, in our own perfect world, the deserving winners will finally win.

So what do you think of the People’s Choice awards?   Shit?   Shitter?   Really shitter?   Sign off in the comments below and follow me for more blogs with just as much biting sarcasm, slightly less relevance and timing and rubbish self promotion!