jackanderson (Level 26)

 I have used this poster on my blog way, waaay, too much.

So the MTV Movie Awards are tonight and, as per usual, predicting these things is a waste of good bile and witty wordplay (arsehole speak for “puns”) since the latest Twilight is up for 6 out of the 11 categories and has multiple nominations in many of them. Nevertheless, I shall race through each category predicting who screaming teenage girls will pick to win (hint: It’s probably got Twilight in the title!), who should win if I was the only voice that mattered (hint: I’m sadly not!) and any other notings there are to be made aware of. The game’s afoot, Watson!

Best Movie

Who Should Win: This is actually a very very good list. All but two of these movies were on my Best of 2010 list and one of them is currently sitting pretty at my number 1 for 2011. After sitting here and deliberating for literally 30 seconds, I’d like Inception to win. For the simple reason that it needs to win SOME KIND of Best Film of the Year award!

Who Will Win: Here’s a fact for you to digest: Every single year that it has been eligible, Twilight has won all three major awards (Best Film, Best Male Performance and Best Female Performance). Wanna take a guess how this’ll turn out?

Other Things To Note: WHERE THE HELL IS SCOTT PILGRIM?!! Seriously, they even showed a sneak peek of the film at last year’s awards! You’d think that this’d be right up their street! Also, in all honesty, I would’ve replaced Harry Potter with Kick-Ass, simply because it’s a better film. I’m glad the Boy Wizard is getting the recognition, though. So, yeah. Remove Twilight and replace it with Scott Pilgrim and I would’ve been more than satisfied.

Best Male Performance

Who Should Win: Colin Firth (and The King’s Speech in general) is nowhere in sight so this means that Jesse Eisenberg can FINALLY get recognition for his fantastic turn as Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. He completely shed off his Michael Cera-lite image with that performance and deserves to be truly recognised for it.

 An award nominated movie.  Only in 21st Century America, folks!

Who Will Win: After consulting the girliest man that I know, I... I mean... he have come to the conclusion that Taylor Lautner will win for Twilight. But if it’s not him, it’ll be Robert Pattinson for, depressingly, the third year in a row.

Other Things To Note: Colin Firth not being nominated is both a shame and completely understandable. Even with that ridiculous PG-13 cut, American teenagers don’t want to watch a drama about the British monarchy. So it makes sense that they wouldn’t want to watch Colin Firth give the performance of the year. Unless the film has an explosion, he says a cheesy line and then gets his shirt off. Then they’ll stand up and take notice!

Best Female Performance

Who Should Win: Natalie Portman. For Black Swan. Duh!

Who Will Win: Kristen Stewart. For Twilight. Duh!

Other Things To Note: Jennifer Aniston has been nominated for Just Go With It. Why? Also, no Chloe Moretz for anything? Shameful! Regardless, Natalie Portman really should win for Black Swan. In a movie swamped with fantastic things, she truly was the most fantastic thing in it and deserves recognition! Well, technically, she's already won Oscars and Baftas for her performance, but we all know that the MTV Movie Awards are the only awards that truly matter! Right?

Best Breakout Star

Who Should Win: Ooh, tough call! Should I go with Andrew Garfield? Or maybe Hailee Steinfeld? Is my Chloe Moretz bias kicking in? Or do I go for Olivia Wilde, the one piece of Hollywood eye candy I can actually fall for? I'm OK with any of this lot.

Who Will Win: Xavier Samuel. Why? Because he's in Twilight which automatically means he's won.

Other Things To Note: Best Breakout Star? Why is there the Best in the title? Breakout Star is fine on its own.

 EVIL BEAR!  EVIL!

Best Villain

Who Should Win: Ned Beatty for Toy Story 3. Lots-O'-Huggin' Bear was an absolutely fantastic and tragic villain and Ned Beatty's simultaneously reassuring and menacing voice work for the character is one of the main reasons for that. Plus, Lotso set up the most depressing and sad section in quite possibly any children's animation of the last 20 odd years. That alone is enough to make him win, in my opinion!

Who Will Win: I'm gonna say Tom Felton for Harry Potter 7 Part 1. Which is kind of undeserved seeing as he is in that film for about... oooh... 195 seconds and does bugger all in terms of evilness. I'm not saying that Draco Malfoy is a bad villain, I'm just saying that they've picked the wrong movie to honour him for it.

Other Things To Note: Leighton Meester is up for The Roommate. The Roommate is now an award-nominated movie, that is not a Razzie. Moving on.

 Expect to see this completely shut out again.

Best Comedic Performance

Who Should Win: Emma Stone for Easy A, a film I still need to get around to seeing. But I'm still choosing her for two reasons. 1] It's the only film on this list that actually is/ actually looks funny. 2] I'd like to stay on Rorie's good side.

Who Will Win: This is very, very tough to call. But I'm going to guess Zach Galifianakis for Due Date, mainly because everybody I know likes him and finds him funny. I'm not too fussed about this seeing as I like the guy, but Due Date and The Hangover: Part II were not very good films and it would be nice to see the guy star in something where his talents aren't wasted.

Other Things To Note: I'm going to spare you all my “Why are Adam Sandler and Ashton Kutcher still allowed to star in movies rant” and call it a category.

Best Scared-As-S**t Performance

Who Should Win: Ellen Page for Inception. Cos' it's the principle of the thing.

Who Will Win: How the f*ck should I know!?

Other Things To Note: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CATEGORY?! WHAT DOES IT EVEN MEAN!? I've sat here trying to figure that out. If this is meant to be a Best Horror Performance (you know, like Best Comedy Performance), then why is Inception and Buried here? How do you give a “scared-as-s**t” performance? What's the difference between other actors/actresses scared performances and these ones, hmm? Seriously, WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?!

 MAAAAAAAAAAAAKE OUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!

Best Kiss

Who Should Win: This is a joke, right? You're actually asking for my opinion on a “Best Kiss” category? Really? Thought not.

Who Will Win: a] Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson because “OH MY GAWD! THEY HAVE, LIKE, SOOOOOOO MUCH CHEMESTRY!!” b] Kristen Stewart & Taylor Lautner because “OH MY GAWD! TAYLOR IS, LIKE, SOOOOOO HAWT!!!” So, basically, Twilight. And if you read those two quotes with a stereotypical teenage girl voice in your head without my prompt, well done!

Other Things To Note: No, I'm not going to put Natalie Portman & Mila Kunis for Black Swan as my personal choice because, believe or not, “OH MY GAWD! THOSE TWO FIT GIRLS ARE TOETALLY MAKING OUT!!” doesn't do it for me. In fact, I found it a rather uncomfortable moment in the movie. It was important to the plot though, which is nice for a change. So, yeah, the lesbian kiss didn't give me a boner or make me mark out. If this makes me gay, then whatever, I don't give a sh*t.

 If I was 2 years younger, I'd be allowed to fancy her.  As it is, I can only admire her.  *sniff*

Best Fight

Who Should Win: Let me put it this way; if the Hallway Fight from Inception doesn't win... I shall write a very angry comment expressing my disapproval of humanity!

Who Will Win: See how Twilight has been nominated? See the trend of Twilight in previous years awards? Now add 2 and 2 together and what do you get?

Other Things To Note: Allow me to re-iterate what a million critics and bloggers have already said; that hallway fight in Inception was f*cking amazing!

Best Jaw-Dropping Moment

Who Should Win: I would say 127 Hours, but I don't think the sequence they are referring to is the actual amputation scene. I think it's the moment his arm becomes trapped. And that is not the most jaw-dropping moment of the movie. With Black Swan, however, I think they're referring to everything past that final time Natalie Portman visits Winona Ryder in hospital up until the night of the performance of the ballet. THAT was one of the most intense film experiences I've ever had and it completely deserves this award.

Who Will Win: Justin Bieber fever hasn't died in America yet, has it? In which case “Who knew getting a Bieber lap dance would only cost as much as a movie ticket” will probably win. Sigh. There was a time that teenage girls had taste! Thanks to them, The Beatles were frigging massive!

Other Things To Note: I didn't mention Inception, because that moment (the café destruction) is without a doubt nowhere near the best of the movie. And with Jackass 3's entry (The Poo Cocktail Supreme), you get the gist as soon as they introduce it. It's still disgusting, but not as out of the left field as Black Swan. Lastly, no Scott Pilgrim? Well, I suppose you can't nominate an entire movie!

 Why do people keep forgetting that this movie came out last year?

Biggest Badass Star

Who Should Win: Did you know that Chloe Moretz did the majority of her own stunts for Kick-Ass? Just thought that you'd be interested.

Who Will Win: I dunno. Is Alex Pettyfer a big thing in America right now? If so, it'll be him. Oh, and America, you can keep him!

Other Things To Note: Just leave the title as “Biggest Badass”! The “Star” section is irrelevant! Stop adding unnecessary words into your award titles!

Best Line From A Movie

Who Should Win: “...A million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? A billion dollars” is the best line all year. “You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling” may have gone viral, but that Social Network quote is far superior.

Who Will Win: I'm gonna hazard a guess at the Inception one, but, honestly, this is a pretty open category. Good!

Other Things To Note: Several, actually. 1] “Best Line From A Movie” at a Movie Awards. What else could it possibly be? Stop wasting vital words! 2] I know that I sound like a broken record but seriously, no Scott Pilgrim? At all? I can rattle off a hundred and twenty-four quotes from that movie at the drop of a hat that deserve to win! “I'm in lesbians with you,” for example. And that's one of the not as good ones! 3] “I wanna get chocolate wasted!” WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

Well, that's my predictions done. I know that second guessing the teenage girl is a very difficult, almost impossible task, but just remember, we were all teenage girls once! Well... half of us were, anyway. I'll post my thoughts on the results on Thursday (cos E3 takes up my Monday and Tuesday and it's Box Office Report on Wednesday).

jackanderson asks is it over now? Do you know how? Pick up the pieces and go home.