jackanderson (Level 26)

Welcome back to The Month In Movies UK!   This is the feature where I run down the month’s releases and we all gawp at movies that are coming out with both cautious excitement and unregulated disdain.   As per usual, I’m selecting based on the Coming Soon section of IMDb.

August is the point where those on Summer holidays realise that they’ve been off for way too long and that there’s only so many times they can waltz around Primark before they’re bored stiff.   The point where we realise a bit far too late that Mr. Sunshine will not be visiting our little island this season (because we used up our year’s allotted amount of sunshine in April).   And movie executives realise that they have very little else to release now that the Summer hols are actually in effect because they blew the big ones in July.   When kids are still at school.   Nevertheless, there are some movies coming out, including my most anticipated film of the Summer, so it’s still worth writing this feature.   Here we go!

Note: This is not a list of films that I will be reviewing. It is not a complete list of films coming out this month.   The opinions expressed within this list are based on information and trailers for the films coming out this month.   I have not seen any of these films (and probably won’t see a lot of them).   All release dates subject to change.

The Month In Movies UK: August 2011

 Gee, I wonder what this is meant to be reminding me of?

Super 8 (5th August)

Director: JJ Abrams

Starring: Joel Courtney, Elle Fanning, Kyle Chandler

Talk about belatedly arriving in the UK!   Two whole months after its release in the US; Super 8 finally makes its way to these shores and, honestly, I’m not that pumped.   Maybe I’m still let down about Cloverfield (it was good, should’ve been way better).   Maybe it’s because I’ve never seen ET (to the recollection of my extremely fuzzy memory).   Maybe I just simply don’t care.   Whatever the case, I know a lot of you are extremely pumped for it so, hey, by all accounts, go and see it.   I’m not the last word on movies in the UK, you know!   That’s Mark Kermode!

Mr. Popper’s Penguins (5th August)

Director: Mark Walters

Starring: Jim Carrey, Some of the worst CGI penguins I’ve ever seen, Some adorable real penguins!

20th Century Fox, riddle me this.   Why would you release this movie… in the middle of frickin’ Summer?!   Christ, even Happy Feet 2 is postponing itself until Christmas to be frickin’ seasonal!   Anywhen, this is garbage.   Skip it.   But you didn’t need me to tell you that. 

 Somebody please explain to me why this is actually allowed to exist!

Starring: Emma Stone, Bryce Dallas Howard, Viola Davis

I’m a mixture of both intrigued and worried about this movie.   On the one hand, Emma Stone has shown herself to be a damn fine actress with the charisma and ability to carry a movie by herself.   On the other, it’s a "race-relations" drama which in my past experience at least (To Kill A Mockingbird, The Blind Side) basically boiled down to the film bellowing, “RACISM IS BAAAAAAD, MMMKAY?” into my ear holes for two miserable hours.   But my advisory “Approach With Caution” stamp is reserved because one of the producers is Chris Columbus; a man responsible for a string of utterly dreadful movies as long my arm and twice as long as something else.   So, approach with caution.

The Smurfs (10th August)

Director: A man who can’t help but make terrible movies

Starring: Decent actors and actresses who needed a quick pay cheque with no questions asked, Katy Perry, George Lopez

There are two things worse than this film merely existing.   1] Smurfs Dance Party.   2] This is the first in a f*cking trilogy!   (has mental breakdown)

 If you're sickened by this, I have 2 silver linings.  1] The fad'll die out in about a year (2 tops).  2] Nobody involved (except Jane Lynch) is going to have a career coming out of this!

 Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (12th August)

Director: Rupert Wyatt

Starring: James Franco, Andy Serkis, Tom Felton

Hope you’ve disconnected yourself from all forms of media for the last several months!   That’s literally the only way you’ll be able to go into this film without knowing exactly how it goes and exactly how it ends!   Marketing mistakes aside, it actually looks like a really good film.   My first “Yeah, give it a shot” of the month!   Huzzah!   Hopefully that modest $90 million budget means we’re guaranteed sequels that don’t ruin the ending in their trailers, right?

Cowboys & Aliens (17th August)

Director: Jon Favreau

Starring: Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Olivia Wilde

Now I’m worried about this film.   Specifically, I’ve heard American reviewers claim that it’s “average” and, way more damningly, “not fun”.   How can you not make cowboys fighting aliens fun?   Argh!   I’m worried now!   American Screened community (and – to a far lesser, scummier extent – pirates of the Screened community), is it at least fun?   I’m prepared to give it a shot if it’s at least fun.   I need to know!   Get in touch! 

Don't forget: Sh*t like this allows Rodriguez to make more Machete's and Planet Terror's.  Plus, it'll be watchable.  Unlike The Smurfs.  

The Guard (19th August)

Director: John Michael McDonagh

Starring: Brendan Gleeson, Don Cheadle

This is that film that has been burning up the UK Box Office report for the last 3 weeks despite only being released in Ireland.   Or, at least, you would know, if you f*cking well read my gorram report!   But guilt tripping is for another time.   This has been getting extreme amounts of positive buzz from the press, festival crowds and the general public; so it’s probably one to go see.

Spy Kids: All The Time In The World (19th August)

Director: Robert Rodriguez

Starring: Jessica Alba, Joel McHale, Antonio Banderas

7 years after the last gimmick based Spy Kids movie, Robert Rodriguez interrupts his awesome retro-styled movies streak (I’m gonna go ahead and pretend that Shorts didn’t happen, ok?) to bring us another one, whether we like it or not.   But wait!   Here’s the selling point!   Just like he was several years ahead of the curve with 3D, Robert Rodriguez has only gone and found the next big innovation in movies!   4D a.k.a.   Aromascope!   Though it’s really a homage to John Walters’ 1981 comedy Polyester.   So it’s probably a joke.   In any case, this damn gimmick better work better than when they tried it with Rugrats Gone Wild!   That sh*t just smelt of cardboard!   I should know!   I smelt some strong f*cking cardboard when I chose to see that film.   …   I’ve wasted far too much time on this.   Let’s talk about something else. 

 Please.  Do.  Not.  Suck.

Glee: The 3D Concert Movie (19th August)

Director: Kevin Tancharoen

Starring: A bunch of impossibly pretty 20-odd year olds who are meant to convince you that they’re just like the nerdy outcasts in high school who watch this drivel but they’ve probably never been outcast a single day of the f*cking existence, the un-paralleled awesomeness of Jane f*cking Lynch

Kevin Tancharoen, of the mostly awesome Mortal Kombat: Legacy, sadly has to return to the day job to release the newest attempt for 20 Century Fox and Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan to take all the money.   Confession time, folks: I watch Glee.   For a time, I used to love Glee (and by “for a time”, I mean “the first 13 episodes of Season 1”).   Then, I merely liked it (the back end of Season 1).   And now I despise it (a.k.a. The majority of Season 2).   It started off as this brilliant, ironic satire of terrible High School Musicals.   But when it became popular because the idiots liked it for being a terrible High School Musical; the people involved obviously went “F*ck it!” and just wrote a terrible High School Musical.   I’ll chat about Glee in a blog post later on, but take solace in the fact that once I finish subjecting myself to Season 2 (I’m 2 from the end) I’m finished with this show for good.

 It's always a good sign when you've heard nothing about a movie less than a month before release, right?

The Inbetweeners Movie (19th August)

Director: Ben Palmer

Starring: Simon Bird, James Buckley, Joe Thomas, Blake Harrison

THIS is my most anticipated movie of the Summer.   I loved The Inbetweeners, even the third series (shut up, it was great!) and the prospect of this just being “The TV series but as a film” fills me with Gleek-like levels of excitement and anticipation.   Opening weekend, here I come!   Assuming that the BBFC don’t stamp it with an 18 (the film is still unrated, which is worrying me as the days go on) and piss all over my dreams.

Conan The Barbarian (26th August)

Director: Marcus Nispel

Starring: Jason Momoa, Rachel Nichols, Stephen Lang

Here’s something weird; I haven’t heard a single bit about this movie.   I knew it was being made, but I didn’t know anything else.   It’s just sort of crept up on me.   I haven’t read any news.   I haven’t seen a trailer at cinemas or online (though I imagine the net has one somewhere, I’m in no position to watch it right now).   Those, I believe, are bad signs.   Also, three words: Post-production 3D.   It could probably be very good, though.   Remember, I haven’t heard a peep out of it, so I’m probably not the best judge here.

EDIT: Just watched the Red Band trailer and good Christ, does this look generic as hell!   It looks like your standard fantasy film with more blood.   That does not look like a good sign.

This is now about as Final as Final Fantasy.

Final Destination 5 (26th August)

Director: Steven Quale

Starring: Who cares if they can act?   You’re obviously here to watch them die in gruesome ways, aren’t you?

I’ll let the official Screened description fill you in on this.   “The franchise returns, despite the previous film being hailed as the last chapter. This is due to the fact that the previous film made more money than any instalment before, with this new instalment being released in 3D.”   Please, people, don’t make this a success!   If you do, they’re going to make two more!   Back to back!

And so rounds out a rather middling August in movies.   What are you interested in?   What have I missed off?   Has my extreme cynicism diluted your potential enthusiasm?   Sound off in the comments below.   For slightly more upbeat and ever so slightly less cynical UK movie blogs, follow me!

jackanderson’s sitting on the left side, you’ll be sitting on the right side.