jackanderson (Level 26)

Hello! Welcome to the first Month In Movies UK of 2012! This, for those of you unaware (welcome!), is the feature where we run down the month’s upcoming releases and figure out which are going to be worth spending money on. The movies are selected based on the Film Distributors Association’s release schedule.

February, as it turns out, is packed to the brim with movies to be seeing. Including a film with a golden premise, the return of the Muppets, Jason Reitman’s latest, Daniel Radcliffe’s first film role outside of Harry Potter, Adam Sandler’s latest cinematic excrement & one of the worst rated Best Picture nominees ever. So, let’s stop wasting time and get into it!

Note: This is not a list of films that I will be reviewing. It is not a complete list of films coming out this month. The opinions expressed within this list are based on information and trailers for the films coming out this month. I have not seen any of these films (and probably won’t see a lot of them). All release dates subject to change.

The Month In Movies UK: February 2012

Please, PLEASE don't suck! Please?

Chronicle (1st February)

Director: Josh Trank

Starring: Michael B. Jordan, Dane DeHaan, Alex Russell

You have seen the trailer for this, right? If not, go watch the trailer right now. I’ll wait. Finished? Looks and sounds fantastic, doesn’t it? You’re excited, aren’t you? So am I! But I have this horrible feeling that they are going to screw it up. I don’t know how, I don’t know precisely why, I just have this feeling… The finished product can’t possibly be anywhere near as good as it looks… Can it?

Carnage (3rd February)

Director: Roman Polanski

Starring: Kate Winslet, Christoph Waltz, John C. Reilly

(Insert Roman Polanski joke here) Irregardless, this seems quite decent. If nothing else, it’s raised my interest in the play. And I never go to plays!

Jack & Jill (3rd February)

Director: Dennis Dugan

Starring: Adam Sandler, Katie “Box Office Poison” Holmes, Al Pacino’s Self Respect

No.

All Star posters only work for when the cast is made up of all stars. Clue's in the title.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (3rd February)

Director: Brad Peyton

Starring: The Rock, Josh Hutchinson, Michael Caine

Green Screen: The Movie! To be fair, this doesn’t look totally horrible. But do not, under any circumstances, take that as a recommendation, you understand? I do not want another Puss In Boots situation, you hear me? You avoid this if possible!

Man On A Ledge (3rd February)

Director: Asgar Leth

Starring: Sam Worthington, Elizabeth Banks, Jamie Bell

Mediocrity: The Movie! Also, I’d love to hear your theories as to how they came up with the title for this thing. My current guess is that the naming staff just decided to Catchphrase it. “Say what you see” and all that.

Martha Marcy May Marlene (3rd February)

Director: Sean Durkin

Starring: Elizabeth Olsen

The talented Olsen sister gets a movie to call her own in this psychological thriller that has been taking the indie world by storm. It’s getting a very limited release and if you can’t wait for The Woman In Black (out next week), you should probably check this one out.

Controversial opinion I want to throw out there: I believe that Episode II is the worst Star Wars movie. Discuss.

Young Adult (3rd February)

Director: Jason Reitman

Starring: Charlize Theron, Patton Oswalt, Patrick Wilson

Patton Oswalt is the man. Charlize Theron can be a damn good actress when given the material (The Devil’s Advocate, Monster, and Arrested Development). Jason Reitman is an astoundingly good director. Reitman and Diablo Cody’s last collaboration was fantastic (though I prefer Up In The Air)… Remind me again why you’re not going to see this?

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D (9th February)

Director: George Lucas

Starring: George Lucas laughing in your pathetic, mindless faces

Because MONEY.

Big Miracle (10th February)

Director: Ken Kwapis

Starring: Drew Barrymore, Kristen Bell, Ted Danson

Because Dolphin Tale made so much money(!) Also, Ted Danson being in this movie gives me a chance to chastise you, week in, week out for not having watched Bored To Death enough! For shame, world! For shame.

Fun fact: For every parent who takes their child to see Big Miracle instead of this, I will club a whale to death!

The Muppets (10th February)

Director: James Bobin

Starring: The Muppets, Amy Adams, Jason Segel

‘Nuff said.

The Vow (10th February)

Director: Michael Sucsy

Starring: Channing Tatum, Rachel McAdams

The movie looks like garbage, but I’d like to pose a question to those of you who have medical knowledge out there. Watch the trailer for this (I know, it’s really hard but just do it anyway). Now, can you really get amnesia from being in a car that suffered a tiny bump like that? That was, what? 20 MPH? And I think a] she had her seatbelt on and b] the truck shouldn’t have been driving anyway seeing as it was a red light and all. Seriously, get back to me on that.

The Woman In Black (10th February)

Director: James Watkins

Starring: Daniel Radcliffe

I have it on good authority from several of my friends (what with me hating horror movies and all) that this looks fantastic. If nothing else, it’s by Hammer Horror and (and, again, I’m taking this assumption from the Internet because I hate horror movies) no one does horror as well as Hammer. By the way, to any potential jokers out there, shouting “10 points to Gryffindor” every time that Daniel Radcliffe does something awesome is only funny once per theatre on opening night. After that, stop it.

This is one of the absolute worst posters I've ever seen. Isn't it just f*cking creepy as f*ck?

Extremely Loud And Incredible Close (17th February)

Director: Stephen Daldry

Starring: Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Thomas Horn

Stephen Daldry, where’s that talent you displayed in Billy Elliot gone? Seriously, I’m curious. I think this was only nominated for Best Picture, by the by, in order to continue the tradition of Daldry having all of his films be nominated for Best Picture. At least, I hope it is, anyway. I have this horrible feeling that it will win Best Picture. So, why don’t we all see it so that we have a genuine reason to complain when it does?

A Dangerous Method (17th February)

Director: David Cronenberg

Starring: Keira Knightly, Michael Fassbender, Viggo Mortenson

This gets a release in London a week before but goes nationwide on the 17th. I’m amazed that this hasn’t gotten more buzz to be honest. I mean: Cronenberg! Fassbender! Mortenson! Knightly! Historical biopic! Freud & Jung! Why are people not hype for this one? Help me out, Americans!

Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance (17th February)

Director: Neveldine/Taylor

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Idris Elba, Ciaran Hinds

Look, I get why everybody is so down on the prospect of this movie. The original really was pretty “meh”. But this is by the guys who gave us Crank and Crank: High Voltage, the best action film of the last decade! There’s Idris motherflippin’ Elba! And the trailers seem to indicate that it won’t take itself too seriously. The only things worrying me are 3D (non-issue, won’t see it in that anyway), the fact that their last film was Gamer (wasn’t particularly good, was hopefully a one-off) and the fact that this is only rated 12A (genuinely worried about that last one). Regardless, this seems like great fun! I’m there even if you pups aren’t.

Even the poster is generic as all hell!

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (24th February)

Director: John Madden

Starring: Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Bill Nighy, Dev Patel

Glad to see Dev Patel wasn’t typecast as “The Indian Kid” after Skins and Slumdog Millionaire(!) Anyways, this looks genuinely pretty funny and heart-warming and sweet and nice. My Nan is desperate to see this after the trailer that played before The Iron Lady and if she’s game I may as well tag along. It’ll be worth it to see Maggie Smith acting casually racist and to see Tom Wilkinson talk about killing people with sex. Because I’m just too damn easy to please.

One For The Money (24th February)

Director: Julie Anne Robinson

Starring: Katherine Heigl, Jason O’Mara

I haven’t seen a Katherine Heigl movie since Knocked Up but I am clued in on all this Internet hate for her. So, I guess she was only funny in Knocked Up? As for the film; this actually looks quite good. Like somebody made The Bounty Hunter into a decent movie. If you’re dragged to see this, for some bizarre reason, know that it doesn’t seem awful.

Rampart (24th February)

Director: Oren Moverman

Starring: Woody Harrelson, Sigourney Weaver, Steve Buscemi

OK, this looks absolutely fantastic. Essentially, it’s a drama based around one crooked cop finally getting caught dirty and the sh*tstorm that surrounds that. But I’m really underselling it. Watch the trailer on YouTube and hope that you’re one of the lucky cities who gets this movie on its screens.

Safe House (24th February)

Director: Daniel Espinosa

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Denzel Washington, Brendan Gleeson

Honestly? This looks generic as hell. The trailer did not get me excited at all, save for Denzel appearing to just make the whole movie his b*tch and the sweet usage of Jay Z & Kanye West’s “No Church In The Wild” on the soundtrack. In fact, why don’t we all just listen to that song again and forget about this movie? Yeah. That’s best.

And there we have February! What are you most looking forward to seeing, seeing as we’re all spoilt for choice this month? How much would you need to be paid to go watch Jack & Jill? As always, file your thoughts away in the comments below and I may just (read: will) reply! For more UK centric movie features, why not follow me?

jackanderson calls that jungle fever.