jackanderson (Level 26)

Welcome back to The Month In Movies UK!   This is the feature where I run down the month’s releases and let you know what summer blockbusters look awesome and which are Transformers: Dark Of The Moon.   As always, I’m selecting movies based on the Coming Soon section of IMDb.

June means the actual start of Summer, and this month has the movies to reflect it.   Not all of them are good, in fact some of them are complete and utter pieces of complete sh*te, but there are still enough films coming out that you’ll be interested in at least something.   Plus, we finally have a new animated kid’s film to shove Rio off of the UK Top 10!   Good times!   On with the run down, then!

Note: This is not a list of films that I will be reviewing. It is not a complete list of films coming out this month.   The opinions expressed within this list are based on information and trailers for the films coming out this month.   I have not seen any of these films (and probably won’t see a lot of them).   All release dates subject to change.

The Month In Movies UK: June 2011

Once again, IT'S OUT NOW!

X-Men: First Class (1 June)

Director: Matthew Vaughn

Starring: Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Kevin Bacon

It’s out right now!   What the hell are you still doing sat there reading this?   Go and see it!   Yes, now!   Not in 5 minutes!

Prom (3 June)

Director: Joe Nussbaum

Starring: Aimee Teegarden, Yin Chang, Nicholas Braun

This is the movie that Disney are putting up against X-Men?   This!?   Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Senna (3 June)

Director: Asif Kapadia

This is the documentary about legendary F1 driver Ayrton Senna that has been doing the rounds on the festival circuit for a while now.   It’s got fantastic reviews and looks brilliant.   If it’s showing anywhere near you, make sure you go out of your way to see it.

If how 2011 has gone so far is any indication, that tagline is debateable.

Kung Fu Panda 2 (10 June)

Director: Jennifer Yuh Nelson

Starring: Jack Black, Gary Oldman, Dustin Hoffman (voices)

If nothing else, at least this should spell the end for Rio’s time in the UK Box Office chart.   The first Kung Fu Panda was one of the first films that I did not at least like, with my 13 year old self declaring it “average”, and the last straw for me when it came to Dreamworks films (I despised Shrek The Third even as a 12 year old).   So, yeah, not my most anticipated film.   Probably best to take your kids to see X-Men instead.

Mother’s Day (10 June)

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman

Starring: Rebecca De Mornay, Jaime King, Deborah Ann Woll

I’m confused.   The Wikipedia summary for this film actually makes so little sense, it’s incomprehensible.   Or maybe it makes sense and I’m just far too tired and wasted to care.   I had a party last night.   I didn’t get drunk (Straight Edge!), but I had to deal with drunkards.   Forgive me if I’m not jolly.   What...?   Oh, the movie!   Yeah, it’s a remake, apparently alright.   You should see it or whatever.

Honey 2 (10 June)

Director: Bille Woodruff

Starring: Katerina Graham, Randy Wayne, Melissa Molinaro

I saw an advert for this on TV about 3 nights ago and said to myself, “Isn’t this a sequel to a movie that came out, like, 4 years ago?”   So I check up just now, for research, and found that I was wrong.   This is a sequel to a film that came out 8 years ago!   And it’s not even in 3D!   Why does this movie exist?!   Why?!

The canted frame.  The most overused shot type in the history of movie posters?

Green Lantern (17 June)

Director: Martin Campbell

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard

This doesn’t look for me.   The first trailer which was attached to Harry Potter 7 Part 1 was a disaster and, while things have improved immeasurably since then, it just hasn’t gotten me as excited as a trailer for Captain America or X-Men or even a screen shot for The Dark Knight Rises.   I’m, personally, just going to save my money for Captain America next month.   Hope you all don’t mind.

The Beaver (17 June)

Director: Jodie Foster

Starring: Mel Gibson, Jodie Foster

There are movies with mixed reviews and then there are The Beaver’s mixed reviews.   I’ve read people that have said it’s excellent, to those who say that it’s average to those who’ve said that it’s a steaming pile of crap.   All have praised Mel Gibson, though.   If you fancy giving it a shot, let me know if it’s any good!

Bad Teacher (24 June)

Director: Jake Kasdan

Starring: Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel

The trailer for this was attached before The Hangover: Part II and somehow managed to be even less funny than that piece of tripe.   The whole joke seems to be “What if Gwyneth Paltrow’s character from Glee was a permanently drunk bitch?” and it just is plain not funny.   Please, pretty please, skip this!   Look, Bridesmaids is out at the same time!   Go watch that instead!

Christ!  The poster is a mess!  Imagine how the frickin' movie will be?!

Bridesmaids (24 June)

Director: Paul Feig

Starring: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne

See!   Evidence!   Go watch!

Akira: Re-Release (24 June)

Director: Katsuhiro Otomo

Starring: I’m not sure if we’re getting the dubbed or subtitled versions, so I’ll leave this blank

Re-acquaint yourself with an anime landmark before Warner Bros. try their damndest to actually rape your memories of it with a certifiable guarantee that the LIVE-ACTION REMAKE will be absolutely, unequivocally, unquestionably, undoubtedly a 100% grade F- barrel of absolute sh*t!   Warner Bros., can I ask you a question?   Why, in the face of such fan outcry (who, no matter how hard you try, will never be satisfied with you because you are doing a LIVE ACTION REMAKE) and race allegations and creative differences, are you STILL trying your absolute hardest to get this thing made?   It will be a failure no matter what you do!   Just take it out around the back of the shed and plug two between its eyes, please!

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (31 June)

Director: Michael Bay

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, A Pair Of Walking Tits, Some Of The Ugliest Robots In The History Of Cinema, Explosions!

This is the only serious contender to Harry Potter 7 Part 2’s guaranteed throne of Biggest Money-Maker Of The Year.   The trailers suck.   The franchise sucks.   The director sucks.   Is it OK for me to assume that this film will suck, too?   Let’s make some other assumptions!   Rose Huntington Whiteley will be an even worse actress than Megan Fox.   The robots will be ignored for 3/4 of the film so that we can see Shia LaStupidnickname try to awkwardly romance the pair of walking tits.   And the robot fights will be unintelligible barf worthy messes where the camera focuses on the US Military for the majority of it.   It’s fun to be a cynical b*stard!

That’s June in movies!   Which do you fancy seeing?   If you answered Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, please forward your address so that I can burn your house down with a lemon-powered Combustible Engine.   Let me know what you’re seeing and if I’ve missed anything in the comments below!   For more free services to UK film fans from me, why not follow?

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