jackanderson (Level 26)

"RECORDUS BREAKUS!!"

If you thought that Harry Potter wasn’t going to make loads of money and slaughter to death any and all comers and make the chart and all records for all time it’s little bitch… well, you may want to reconsider how you’re reading this because you are completely without a brain. Very unsurprisingly, the last Potter movie (unless Warner Bros. has anything to say about it) came in first. Less surprisingly, it broke the opening weekend record (held previously by Potter 7 Part 1, natch). More surprising are the numbers associated with this. Potter 7 Part 2 took in (deep breath)… £23,753,171. Which is more than £8 million more than the best non-Potter opening weekend (Quantum Of Solace, seeing as you just about blanked that disaster out from your minds). That’s… wow… err… yeah.

But for those of you thinking that other movies would be crushed during this Potterocalypse (hells yeah, I’m bringing it back!), don’t despair! Other movies made money, too! Not all of them good and not all of them much, but money nonetheless. Transformers hung on to the number two spot, though it’s only made £200,000 more in the three weeks it’s been out than Harry Potter did in 3 days which I find particularly hilarious. Bridesmaids holds steady in third. Tree Of Life makes a shocking, but pleasant, second appearance on this list. And Green Lantern completes its sorry existence by dropping off completely.

As for the other openers who didn’t chart (the sacrificial lambs, as we call them); Deiva Thirumagal did the best of the lot with £25,158 on 10 screens (work out that per screen average, I dare you!) further cementing Indian movies as a permanent fixture on this report and forcing me to work for the funny. Cell 211 is next with about £12,000 excluding the £5,000 odd from previews. Bobby Fischer Against The World made £16,000 and then we have Hobo With A Shotgun which made just under £8,000. No, really. 2 times as many people wanted to watch a documentary about a chess player than a film about a Hobo With A Shotgun. I… Wha… I don’t understand you people!

I’m not paid the hour, so let’s make a full list. I’m not kidding. I’m really not paid by the hour. If someone could pay me though, that’d be great! Cut me a cheque! Actually, better make it cash.

UK Box Office Results: 15th - 17th July 2011

	1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II £23,753,171 / NEW You people do know there are Third World countries that actually need that money, right? All joking aside, no report that I can find tells me of how much was from 3D. I’m hoping the answer is not much. Do we think this’ll hang around at the top next week, then? We have Cars 2 and Horrible Bosses approaching on the horizon. Any other film and I’d say we have a battle royale on our hands. As it stands, I only see fresh meat. I’m seeing this today with friends and a review should be up by now here to tell you if it’s any good. You thought I was writing this and the review at the same time? Joke’s on you, sucker! Ha ha for a pre-written report on a late Tuesday night!
	2. Transformers: Dark of the Moon £1,990,508 / £23,954,570 Stop panicking! It’s ok! People still wanted to see giant shtty robots punch the sht out of each other whilst Michael Bay jerks off to the US military for 2 and a half hours; even though Harry Potter is out! Crisis averted! Everybody come out of your fallout bunkers!
	3. Bridesmaids £1,576,780 / £15,858,973 With Horrible Bosses arriving next week, I fully expect this to sink like a stone come the report next week. Ah, well. It’s had one hell of a run! It’s been out for a month and stood strong in the face of extreme competition. I’d be happy, if it wasn’t for the fact that I fully expect a crappy sequel in 2 years thanks to numbers like this.
	4. Kung Fu Panda 2: The Kaboom of Doom £779,183 / £15,115,981 Don’t worry, Panda That Is Overweight But Does Kung Fu And Is Voiced By Jack Black! Cars 2 is here next week to put you out of your misery. Now, would you kindly not make that third movie? Please? And, hell, whilst you’re listening to me, would you kindly also just shut down DreamWorks Animation as well? Save me the trouble of doing it myself.
	5. The Guard £368,148 / £1,181,408 Keep in mind, this is currently only for Ireland. I wonder, is it going to rip the chart a new arsehole when it’s released on this side of the Irish Sea? See, I knew the name of the body of water that separates Ireland from Scotland, England and Wales! It’s this sort of research that makes this report the 27th most interesting thing you read on a Wednesday!
	6. The Tree of Life £267,866 / £923,161 I fully expect this film to have dropped off by the end of the month. There are FIVE freakin’ big mammoth blockbusters on their way to extinct this small, independent drama and they will succeed even if it’s the last thing they do! If this actually sticks around post-Captain America/Zookeeper/Horrid Henry, then I think my head will actually physically explode. I’ll post the resulting footage on YouTube. Assuming I’m still capable of doing that.
	7. Zindagi Na Milege Dobara £254,329 / NEW What the hell is this movie? Somebody find out for me! And whilst you’re at it, could you find me a f*ck I could give? That’d be great!
	8. Bad Teacher £203,911 / £7,373,475 So, [INSERT FILM HERE]? What about it, eh? [INSERT JOKE ABOUT MAIN CHARACTER BEING INVOLVED IN LEWD SEXUAL ACT HERE] How about that sh*t? [INSERT JOKE ABOUT QUESTIONABLE QUALITY OF FILM HERE] Yeah! [INSERT SELF DEPRECATING COMMENT HERE]
	9. The Hangover Part II £101,839 / £32,643,624 Thank God that Horrible Bosses will kick this off the chart next week! Not only am I completely sick to death of this movie, it’s crimping on the Part II of Potter’s Part II. For, in the immortal words of Christopher Lambert in Highlander, “THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!”
	10. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides £58,931 / £32,762,926 Wait, really? This actually has rejoined us on the list? This isn’t a joke? Why?! Who is possibly still watching this movie? Just wait for the f*cking DVD! Jesus gorram Christ! What is the matter with people?