Preface: Sorry about the lack of images, but the current blog creation system is being a pain in the arse.
OK, so I was proven completely wrong this week. You see, last week, I was worried about how much Yogi Bear was going to cut into Tangled’s totals, whilst simultaneously writing off Gnomeo & Juliet’s chances of even dinting the upper echelons of the list. And then, this week, it’s Gnomeo & Juliet that cleans house with a total of nearly £3 million! Seriously? H…? W…? Words fail me.
In other, continually shocking, news; this weekend was a record breaker, with 8 films managing to break the £1 million barrier for weekend gross! This is absolutely incredible! More feigned excitement! Another exclamatory sentence! What does this mean to the list? Well, it means that single movie totals are down as the indecisive pillocks flip flopped between movies with very little regard for quality. (Indecisive pillocks, here’s some advice: Pick the films that are either made by Disney, are a western, about ballet or about boxing!)
This means that the army of new releases (and dear lord, do I mean army) dominate the chart to various degrees, with the OK looking Never Let Me Go bringing up the rear as one of two films not to break the £1 million barrier. But in the “Hahahaha!” school of news, James Cameron Presents: Sanctum (if the UK Film Council says that it is called that, it must be true!) dropped to the bottom of the list, made sod all money and will almost certainly drop off next week! Ha! Also in “Hahahaha!” news, Gulliver’s Travels finally, mercifully, dropped out of the list. Unfortunately, the damn film still made a profit (mostly thanks to us Brits); so expect “Gulliver’s Travels 2: Look! Jack Black’s Now Tiny! That’s HILLARIOUS!” to clog up your cinema like a cancer come Christmas of 2012!
If ya smell… what the full list… is cooking! Yeah, I’m sorry. I just really wanted to say that FINALLY… THE ROCK… HAS COME BACK… TO RAW!
Box Office Results: 11th February – 13th February
1] Gnomeo & Juliet (3D)
£2,945,627 / NEW
You know that faith in humanity that I gained when The Fighter beat James Cameron Presents: Sanctum last week? Yeah. That’s gone again. I’m back to being a cynical, heartless bastard of an amateur amateur film critic. Yay!
£1,986,871 / £33,740,153
I promise (promise!) that I will get that blog about why this doesn’t deserve Best Picture up either Thursday or Friday. It’s been a hectic, confusing and irritating week with technology for me (not least due to my loss of my Mass Effect 2 data! Nearly 20 hours of my life, gone!) so do bear with. Come the next two days, I’ll explain why I’ve done an about face with this movie.
£1,969,148 / £13,434,176
So it really was the Disney knock-off that shunted this down after all. I need to get better at this crystal ball business. Again, probably won’t see it in cinemas, but I will see it eventually. If it’s as good as everyone says it is, then expect it in my end of year lists. And not just because of Zachery Levi!
4] True Grit
£1,823,254 / NEW
Thursday is the day. That’s the day that I will trek to my local VUE cinemas and see the Coen Brothers doing a western with Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon. It has to be the day. No, really, it has to be. After Thursday, my local VUE is only showing it at 9:15PM. You’d think that there’s something big coming out Friday or something.
5] Yogi Bear
£1,820,405 / NEW
You know that faith in humanity I lost due to Gnomeo & Juliet being number one about 5 minutes ago? Yeah. It’s totally been restored thanks to this news. Well done everybody! Now let’s try and dispose of this tripe as quickly as humanly possible.
£1,628,265 / NEW
I like to think of this as the public’s retribution for Grown Ups being such a piece of complete and total shite. Thanks, public! Now, please, don’t let Justin Beiber get to number one next week! I’m actually on my knees, physically begging to you right now! Don’t let it happen!
7] Black Swan
£1,069,931 / £12,779,283
I am saddened by this movie’s drop down the list. What? Not all of my commentary can be winners!
8] The Fighter
£1,002,454 / £4,078,696
As a treat for you, the cinema going public; every week that you keep The Fighter in the list, I will gift you a new version of Christian Bale singing the Powerpuff Girls theme tune! Because, if Chris Moyles has taught me anything, it’s that if something is funny the first time, it’ll still be hilarious the 902nd time! This week: the remix ! Next week: the auto-tuned version!
£625,496 / NEW
I am sort of saddened by its disappointing performance, but I’m still not sure what to think about it. Specifically, the trailer for this made it look like arse. But the cast are superb and it’s written by Alex Garland. So, who knows if it’s any good? Not most of the British public, that’s who!
£361,832 / £1,667,443
This diving disaster movie has sunk to new depths. BOOM! ZING MOTHERF*CKERS!! I’M OUT! (drops mic, feedback, angry booing)