Now, I know that you all rely on my reports for your up-to-the-minute, factually correct accuracy when it comes to UK Box Office totals, but there is a problem. I rely on the UK Film Council’s reports for my up-to-the-minute, factually correct accuracy when it comes to UK Box Office totals. And this week, they haven’t posted anything. In fact, I’ve even given them an extra day to post something, anything, for me to copy paste from, but they’ve left me twisting in the wind; effectively telling me to “eat sh*t”.
So, I’ve had to rely on The Guardian’s not-as-fact-stacked report and, as such, I’ll be unable to tell you precisely how much Battleship trounced the rest of the Box Office by. Or just how much better Headhunters is doing. Or, even, how many pennies The Woman In Black made. Instead, I have to deal with (hisses) stuffy, genuine, critical analysis and (doubles over in pain) not-totally-accurate grosses! I can only offer you my sincerest apologies.
Right, time killing complete, let’s get into it.
So, newsflash: people saw Battleship. Like, a lot of people. Like, £3.6 million amount of people. It pretty much crushed the rest of the box office even when you take the previews out of its totals, still managing to beat Titanic by a good £400,000. In fact, people seemed to love their seafaring vessels last weekend, as Titanic 3D only shed £1 million and only dropped one place to number 2. Whether this is a good thing or not is entirely subjective.
So, people did see The Cabin In The Woods, enough people saw it to give it a third place opening with £1.6 million in ticket sales. Of course, not enough people saw it for my liking and I shall not rest until everybody in the country has seen The Cabi... “The Avengers is out next week?” Oh, well this can rot in hell for all I care, then.
Meanwhile; The Hunger Games keeps making a decent amount of money, The Pirates! is still making money, and people are still seeing The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel for some reason. Headhunters failed to break into the Top 10 but only slipped 14% from last week with £218,000 from 101 screens. And we must say goodbye to The Cold Light Of Day. No, really, say goodbye, I doubt anyone is going to ever mention it again after this.
[Snarky Full List Pun]
£2,253,348 / £3,763,348 / NEW
I cannot believe I live in a world where a Robot Chicken sketch became reality. Do you think that some film studio/Hasbro head was watching that “Board Game Movies” sketch and thought, “This is good idea! Make this!” Probably not, to be honest. If they did, then the finished product of Battleship might have been in the slightest bit good.
£1,809,737 / £8,005,203
I said all I needed to say in my last report. So, for the next however many weeks this stays on the chart, I will be using the exact same stock phrase over and over and over again. Specifically, said phrase is...
F*ck this movie.
|3. The Cabin in the Woods|
£1,601,161 / NEW
Saw this and reviewed it on Saturday and it... was... AWESOME! I loved every single second of it and have been thinking about it ever since I saw it. I wrote three whole pages for my review, but I feel like I could write 15 more about the film in great detail and in general! I loved this movie and severely regret both not giving in 5 stars and my inability to be able to see it again whilst it’s in cinemas. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, DO SO! I COMMAND THEE!!
|4. The Hunger Games|
£1,494,174 / £19,419,136
Nearly bought the book of this from Tesco the other day (what with it being £7 if I bought it with Headhunters, which I also skipped out on) but skipped out in favour of actually getting to eat at college that week. I’m fairly certain that I made the right choice, but I need reassurance. Which is better, Screened Pups? The Hunger Games book, or eating enough food to continue living? I’d love to hear your helpful thoughts on my very important dilemma in the comments below.
|5. The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists|
£1,477,517 / £12,840,803
Aardman. They’re popular and stuff.
|6. Mirror, Mirror|
£913,134 / £5,194,454
So, which is more likely to be better? This or Snow White & The Huntsman? I believe that they both look equally terrible, but, to be honest, I think this whole, “Take a fairy tale and spruce it up for modern times” sub-genre is one that needs to be killed with fire immediately. I am already sick of it.
|7. 21 Jump Street|
£528,122 / £8,751,816
“F*CK YEAH, MOTHERF*CKER!!”
You people really should have watched 21 Jump Street.
|8. Wrath of the Titans|
£495,768 / £7,197,617
You know what else I’d like to see killed with fire? Sam Worthington. But, unfortunately, we can’t always get what we want.
|9. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel|
£273,338 / £18,518,872
Farewell, charming British actors/actresses being charmingly, casually racist in this nice looking movie of niceness! You will be missed! Sort of. For about five minutes. After that, we’ll have all moved onto Salmon Fishing In The Yemen. Such is the cruel and fickle life of being a “nice” movie.
|10. StreetDance 2|
£220,087 / £2,872,153
So, this completely failed to set anything on fire. A] Good. Films should be films, not arsonists. B] This is bad news for that Step Up 4 movie they’re about to release. C] Someone break the news of this film’s failure to. He’ll be devastated.
Callum Petch has got a love that keeps him waiting.
UK peoples! Watch “Community” every Tuesday at 10:30PM on Sony TV! That’s an order!
And now, for perv- I mean, "perfectly nice people" likewho seem to care more about this than the actual reports, here is a pretty lady.
I'm not doing that again, by the way.