Yet another week where nothing interesting happened to the list. How can you tell? Only one movie dropped out of this list this week. One. One measly movie. And there is only one brand new film in this list. One. How the hell am I supposed to crank out a detailed and funny box office report when nothing happened?! Answer me that!And it’s not even like there’s any movement for the existing films, either! The top 2 are the same, and everything below number 3 moves down one position! That’s it. I’m not kidding! It’s the worst possible report for me to write at the worst possible time, because I have exams and would like something to do that takes my mind off of them. But instead, when I keep getting lists that are as boring and monotonous as this, it just isn’t possible.
I thought that the Summer blockbuster season was supposed to have started, gorram it! We’ve just had Fast Five and Thor! We’re supposed to be getting buried in big budget blockbuster after big budget blockbuster! Not be sat around, twiddling our thumbs waiting for the next big film to drag it’s sleepy carcass bleary eyed and out of bed, stumbling in, hung over, still drunk, putting in a half decent performance for one weekend before frittering off into the oblivion! Wow, that metaphor went deep. At least Pirates 4 came out today and should tear up next week’s list.
In the mean time, here’s your Holding Pattern List. Take it or leave it.
UK Box Office Results: 13th – 15th May
£1,360,418 / £11,824,445
A higher power must be trying to stop me from seeing this. First of all, my parents were too busy to take me opening weekend. Then my local VUE pulled all, and I do mean ALL, 2D showings of it. THEN, after deciding to bite the bullet and see it in THREEEEEEE DEEEEEEE, Home Bargains, the store that operates underneath my VUE, catches fire (which makes sense if you’ve ever been to one) and the entire surrounding area has to be evacuated, just as I turn up for my showing! I have been promised by my dad that I can see it this weekend (in 2D, no less!) and come hell or high water, I am going to make damn sure that I do!
2] Fast Five
£1,155,540 / £16,340,867
We are currently up to $450 million worldwide, at the moment. I’m fairly certain that we’re gonna see some sequels in the future. For a sequel title, may I suggest: Slow Six? Huh? Huh? ... ... Yeah, I’ll get my coat.
3] Attack The Block
£1,133,859 / NEW
One of my friends saw this over the weekend and stated that he was, quote, “thoroughly disappointed” and that, quote, “it wasn’t funny.” Is he an idiot? Or spot on the money? I plan to pick it up on DVD so I kind of need to know. Anyways, good show from the quirky British horror/sci-fi/comedy!
£963,963 / £5,520,636
I’ve been getting mixed messages about this film from folks at school. Some say it’s ridiculously scary and very good but goes off the rails in a bad way in the third act. Others say that it’s just hilariously pants from start to finish. Critics believe that it’s very scary but the third act is rubbish. I have no intention of seeing this movie because I detest horror films. See! If I could’ve written like that in my RE exam, I wouldn’t be sat here sh*tting bricks about how badly I may have done!
£821,081 / £2,553,101
It’s nice to see the quality film switch places with the crappy film, isn’t it! (referring to film underneath)
6] Water For Elephants
£695,631 / £2,594,104
I’m saving all of my good Robert Pattinson jokes for Breaking Dawn in the winter. So this’ll just have to fester without comment each week it remains on the chart. Yippee! Oh, and by good Robert Pattinson jokes, I mean, no real jokes at all.
£592,142 / £11,723,578
8] Something Borrowed
£489,848 / £1,596,082
Does anybody else agree that making jokes about extremely average rom-coms is like trying to mine jokes out of a tragic miscarriage? It’s unbelievably hard, nobody’s going to laugh and everyone will think that you are a cretin for doing so in the first place.
£202,483 / £844,103
How much did this cost to make again? (checks online) Ohhh! Riiight! Erm... yeah. It’s totally going to make its budget back!
£151,755 / £3,299,388
Whatever you think of my “half assed” column, we can all agree that it was way funnier than this film, can’t we?
Dropped Out: Hop, That’s it.
That's this week's list! Comment below, follow me and join me here every Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!
jackanderson’s got the look.