In a mega monumentally mind blowing result that nobody could have foreseen, Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides literally murdered the competition with over £11 and a half million. That’s the biggest opening of the entire year so far! Admittedly, however, when you factor out the Wednesday and Thursday takings it drops to a much less impressive £8.5 million opening. Unfortunately, that’s still probably more than enough for Disney to get that great big rubber “Approved” stamp on sequels to the godforsaken franchise until Johnny Depp finally drops dead. You can tell I love this series, can’t you?
Thanks to Pirates, literally nothing else earned any takings of any worth. On the openings front (a.k.a. The Movies That Were Stupid Enough To Go Against Disney): Blitz came in ninth with just over a £250,000. Shame, I like me a bit of Aidan Gillen and I love me some Jason Statham. Win Win came in tenth with about £150,000. Shame, I love me some Jeffrey Tambor. Julia’s Eyes, the highly raved about Spanish horror, made nearly £50,000, good enough for fourteenth place. Not much of a shame seeing as, any other week, this’d be nowhere near the top 15. And Fire In Babylon, the documentary about the cricket team of the 70’s and 80’s made £107,312 on 8 screens and with a whopping £13,414 per screen average. See! Facts!
As for a brief movers and shakers round-up, Rango had a sudden resurgence of enough for fifteenth place. That’s probably due to VUE using it as their latest Kids AM flick. Fast Five overtook Thor in the chart for the first time. Insidious continues to hang around and annoy me. And Something Borrowed, that rom-com you sort of can hazily remember being advertised on TV or in women’s magazines but not really, dropped out of our list and our hearts and our memories. Good.
Ya har, me hearties! Let’s have a butchers at the full list! Wait, I think I’ve got my mock accents mixed up somewhere.
Box Office Results: 20th – 22nd May
£8,569,294 / £11,634,860 / NEW
My UK Film Council list doesn’t tell me how much of this money is from 3D screenings, but know this: When I went to go and see Thor, there was a queue from the ticket desk stretching out of the door for people to see Pirates in a 2D showing that was on five minutes before Thor. So, that’s a great big nail in the coffin to 3D, then! Come on, Seltzer and Friedberg! Make your sh*tty parody movie quickly so that you can finally kill it off for good!
2] Fast Five
£587,617 / £17,399,224
Fast cars go vrooooom vroooooom!!
£528,701 / £12,869,718
So I FINALLY got to see this at the weekend and it was ace. And that post credits reveal! HOLY SH*T! My dad was forced to wait through the credits so that me and my brother could find out what the big reveal was, and I was the only one who knew it! So I had to explain to them on the way home what it was. My dad couldn’t believe we’d made him sit through the credits for something that he had no clue about, even if it did feature his favourite actor ever. So, I guess this makes me the biggest nerd in the family. Yay?
£451,139 / £6,386,799
The next horror movie I’m seeing is the Joss Whedon penned The Cabin In The Woods for two reasons. 1] It’s a horror comedy, so, you know, baby steps for getting over my phobia. 2] It’s written by Joss Whedon and, you know, JOSS WHEDON!
£355,232 / £1,925,419
A 69% drop from last week; monster drop. A shame really. I guess the Great British public thought they were getting a full blown comedy instead of an action sci-fi flick with light horror elements and some jokes and, in response to their hopes and dreams being shattered, blew it off instead. They obviously don’t have taste.
£286,997 / £3,182,700
You know what those people would love, though? Sharktopus! I mean, it’s a shark/octopus hybrid! That kills people! Did you watch it on Sunday on SyFy? I didn’t, because I don’t have taste, but I bet that it was just AWESOME!
£284,085 / £12,064,570
I! HAVE HAD! ENOUGH! OF YOU!!
£266,345 / £3,202,936
I’m certainly not going to be making any tasteless animal cruelty jokes! No siree bob! No dead elephant jokes! Nowhere no how!
£266,148 / NEW
Anybody been watching Game Of Thrones? Am I the only one who thinks that Aidan Gillen and Peter Dinklage are stealing that show from under the noses of everyone else? If Peter Dinklage, at least, doesn’t get an Emmy nod for Best Supporting Actor, I’ll declare them to have absolutely no taste in anything. Though, to be fair, seeing as this is the Emmys, that really isn’t saying much.
10] Win Win
£155,463 / NEW
That's this week's list! Comment below, follow me and join me here every Wednesday for the latest Box Office Report!
jackanderson’s talking the talk cos he knows he’s slick.