Bad news from the zones, tumbleweeds! This week's UK Box Office Report is nothing but absolute shite. Reigning champion Paul was knocked off by goddamn Gnomeo & Juliet of all movies, Yogi Bear actually went UP the list and Big Mommas continues to exist. It's one of those weeks.
In the town of new releases, I Am Number Four did best (or worst if wanted to use that godawful pun) coming in third for the weekend with over £1.6 million and baiting me just like Alex by refusing to come in Fourth! How f*cking hard can it possibly be?! No Strings Attached only came in eighth with just under a million and hopefully this is evidence that the general public have stopped giving two shits about Ashton Kutcher. (Or, as he shall now be known, Razzie Award Winner Ashton Kutcher!) The Rite, thankfully, completely failed to even enter the list petering out at an abysmal 12. And somebody must’ve really been waiting for that East Is East sequel because West Is West sneaked onto the list in number 10 with just over 3/4 of a million quid. So, that’s a thing.
But now we must return to the sad news. To put it simply, Drive Angry has bombed. Hard. It barely earned over £650,000 and that, don’t forget kiddies, is with inflated 3D ticket prices. It debuted in 11th and, to be honest, bad reviews probably sank it without a trace. And, yes, I am aware that Robbie Collin of the News Of The World gave it a positive review but since when has his opinion meant anything other jack shit? Yes, I am so depressed by this week’s list that I’m resorting to trash talking other professional film reviewers. Let’s get this over with.
Look alive, sunshine. Here comes the full list and if you continue reading I promise to stop crowbarring in My Chemical Romance references.
UK Box Office Results: 25 February – 27 February
£2,502,806 / £12,901,447
Half term’s a money maker it seems. Look, I can’t take it anymore. I need answers. Screened community, have any of you seen this movie and, if so, what’s it like? Is it as crap as the trailer makes out? Is it just a bunch of garden based jokes stapled to a Shakespeare adaptation? Is it worse than the trailer? Is The Tempest finally (allegedly) hitting UK shores this week going to cut into it? I need answers, dammit! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!
£2,073,462 / £10,110,433
Loads of my friends have seen this and our hive mind consensus is that, yes, it’s a very funny movie but, no, it’s not as good as Shaun Of The Dead or Hot Fuzz. Which reminds me, where the hell is that third Blood & Ice Cream movie? It’s been about, what, five years since Hot Fuzz? I’m fairly certain we’re due another genre mocking British monolith. So; Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg & Nick Frost, make with the movie already!
£1,628,523 / NEW
I hate the mere idea of this movie. And it’s utter refusal to place fourth means that it’s lost another potential viewer. Admittedly, I was never going anyway but here’s my counter argument: Shut up!
4] Yogi Bear
£1,465,863 / £7,635,574
Oh dear Christ. We’re going to get a sequel now, aren’t we?
£1,352,104 / £19,130,723
What can I say? Half term’s a money maker! Although its continued lower placement than Yogi Bear and Gnomeo & Juli-I’mreallygettingsickoftypingthismotherf*ckinmovie’snamenow aggravates me to no end.
£1,207,963 / £39,850,419
Sorry, is this a dream? Are we Brits finally sick of seeing this movie 900 times and we’re deciding to finally see something else instead? Where’s my damn totem!?
£993,485 / £4,080,907
Instead of providing you with pithy commentary about this movie each week it festers on this list, I’m just going to link you to whatever song I’m listening to at the time of writing this article. Hopefully, if I ignore this film enough, it’ll go away. This week: Womack & Womack – Teardrops .
£978,974 / NEW
Several good things can be gleamed from this. 1] Nobody likes Ashton Kutcher anymore. 2] It didn’t cost Natalie Portman her thoroughly deserved Oscar, like us sceptics believed. 3] It means that I can trot out my “Natalie Portman’s pregnant! OMGFG1!1!1!” joke again! 4] You all are aware that Natalie Portman is pre- (gunshot, body lies twitching on the ground).
9] True Grit
£862,260 / £6,426,424
Wasn’t it depressing to see True Grit completely and utterly shut out at this year’s Oscars, despite being nominated for 10 awards? Hopefully, hopefully, I may be seeing this on Saturday. But it is the last showing ever in a 50 mile radius of me, so if I don’t, it’s DVD waiting time for me!
10] West Is West
£758,226 / NEW
Your desktop does not need adjusting. More people wanted to see the East Is East sequel than Justin Bieber. This is, officially, the greatest day of my movie critic career!
Dropped Out: Just Go With It, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (yesssssssss!!), Black Swan
That's this week's list. Comment below, follow me and join me here every Wednesday for the latest UK Box Office Report!
jackanderson needs a saga. What's the saga? It's Songs For The Deaf. You can't even hear it!